Couples who tear pieces out of each other in public: why?

[CharlotteRumpling]

I am just back from a visit to my oldest friend in another country. She has been married about 5 years to what seems a decent man.

Luckily I refused her offer to stay with her, and found a hotel because I thought I might be imposing. I say luckily because my friend and her husband bickered constantly. We had one drive and a dinner together where they just kept tearing pieces out of each other. "You are spoilt", "You never support me", "You hate my mum"... etc etc. It was very uncomfortable for me. They don't have DC.

DH and I fight like any married couple but never in front of friends or anyone else. I had to make an excuse the next day not to see her with her husband, and I just saw her alone. Thank goodness I got a separate hotel.

Anyway, just venting because it was very unpleasant to see, and now I don't
want to meet them as a couple anymore.

That's awful, and how uncomfortable for you! I can't speak for all couples, but the ones like that who come to mind basically had such simmering resentment towards each other that it couldn't be contained and would spill over into all their interactions regardless of who was about. It's not normal to need to bring your partner down in front of other people like that though, and the fact they are both doing sounds like they are in competition rather than a team. At least it isn't just one as that would suggest abuse, but it sounds dreadfully unhealthy nonethelss. Would you feel comfortable to chat to your friend about it and seeing if she's happy?

There are couples who enjoy drama - fighting in front of others ensures all attention is on them. What happens when you try to change the subject?

Yes, I should have explained further. I did speak to my friend separately afterwards, and she said they are having a hard time, because of various stresses. So yes, I am concerned about her. I don't think he is abusive. I think they are both not very nice to each other.

I have emailed her and asked her to call me if she ever wants to talk, and suggested counselling.

Hopefully she'll take you up on that offer to talk at some point and you can help her make sense of how unhealthy it is.