Is this normal?

[123bumblebee]

Sorry if this is a ramble, I’m exhausted right now. wondering if this is normal in a relationship ship?

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married now for 4, have a challenging DD who is about to turn 3. She can be gorgeous and so sweet but she is also very intelligent (she speaks better than some teenagers I know), seems wiser than her years but also has huge temper tantrums, doesn’t listen (to the point where I’ve wondered about getting her a hearing test but if I open a pack of crisps in another room she comes running), doesn’t sleep (never has), hasn’t slept through the night for 12 months now (and before that it was sporadic at best) and everything is a bloody battle. I hate going out with her, though I do, because everything results in a meltdown from her.

I work 2x 13 hour shifts per week (I’m a GP) but the nature of my work means I always have extra work to do, so practically I end up working 30+ hrs per week then extra CPD, odd out of hours shifts etc on top. DH works 9-6 (45 min commute each way) but in a very chill, full hour uninterrupted lunch break, sitting around not able to do things sometimes as waiting for others job. He doesn’t have to do anything or even think about work when he is home. He is the breadwinner but only due to the amount of days he does.

I take her to nursery on my way both work days and one extra day. He leaves work 45 mins early 1 day per week to pick her up and picks her up late from my parents the other day. 2 days a week I have her at home and the days are frankly exhausting but I do get her out and about and socialise her with little friends.

I get up with her in the night as she only wants me and end up falling asleep in her bed. When she wakes up in the morning DH will take her either in our bedroom to watch tv or downstairs and give her a drink and a snack. He doesn’t change her nappy, he doesn’t give her a full breakfast, he doesn’t dress her. I do this 5 days per week including when on my work days and I leave earlier from the house than he does.

I plan her little trips that we do at the weekend, I take her to the cinema, book her tickets for toddler shows, I will take her out and about. He doesn’t. On the odd occasion that he is taking her out (I will have to suggest to him something to do) I have to basically push them out of the door, and they are usually running late.

Im doing all of the Christmas planning. I don’t think he’s even thought about presents for her. I keep having to push him to get something for his young nephews who are coming to us for Xmas.

Ive just done a huge mega Xmas shop, but I also still have work I need to do that will take me a few hours (I have been up until 1am working this week on my work days to get everything done) at least. I’m just fucking exhausted. I feel like a single mum (sorry I know it’s not the same but even with another adult around I get no help whatsoever).

is this what I should expect of a relationship when one works longer hours than the other?

I just feel that my life has been turned upside down and other than leaving work a bit early one day a week, and 2 evenings doing bedtime because I’m at work, his hasn’t changed at all.

I also do all of the sorting of her clothes, packing her nursery bags, making sure there is food in the house for her, meal planning, shopping (he cooks).

Sorry that this is your experience- it is not normal but it has become your normal

What tolerate is what you validate - so time for a sit down and a chat with your H.

Some of it I’d think is acceptable, some isn’t. For me that looks like:

Not acceptable- he should be capable of making her some breakfast, changer nappy and get her dressed. Those really are the absolute basics he should be doing and there’s no excuse for him not doing that.

Acceptable- you doing the food/meal plans & clothes etc, if you are only working 2 days a week you have more time so it makes sense that you’d do this, and arguably same for the trips etc although he could be helping to look for the weekends.

I don’t think it’s really a breadwinner thing, it’s a “who has the time” thing, at least in my house. I’m on maternity leave currently so I do the bulk of the food shopping/cooking and sorting clothes & activities. I have more hours free to do those things right now than my husband does. When we were both working we split them equally as each had the same amount of time.

You need to look at how much leisure time you both have.

He clearly has far more.

Yes he needs to start pulling his weight and start parenting your DD.

It’s all well and good moaning about it to strangers on the internet but have you ever had this conversation with him?

make it clear that you want him to do more.

next time you know he’ll be getting up with her in the morning tell him you will want her changed, dressed and fed by him.

Next time he asks what’s for dinner, tell him he’s in charge that night.

the only way you’re going to get change is if you vocalise what you want.

She is so challenging that time at home with her is not time where I can get anything done. I can cook a basic meal, sometimes, while she destroys my house causing more chaos that I have to tidy up later.

I never thought I’d say this but I enjoy my days at work far more than being with her. I can get time to catch my breath and can go to the toilet without being screamed at. I suspect she’s ND but also showing a lot of normal toddler behaviours so I’m just watching and waiting for now.

also, honestly if I had the option to work 9-5 five days a week and contribute to more to the mental load I’d opt for that. It sounds bloody lovely.

Vocalise this to your partner.

TLDR

1. Use the attached checklist to readjust joint responsibilities. 2. Use joint income to buy yourself a break.

First things first. You are so tired you can't think straight. Get that sorted. The relationship between the three of you is unbalanced.

Download and print out 2 copies of this Checklist for Gender Equality.https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjXuc_d57aKAxXpXEEAHcRmHV0QFnoECBsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw1wOeFj-NLhmuy0xcYJjBr4

It is Scandinavian. It is very thorough. I am recommending it because you have slipped into being an archaic kind of wife. You need to change that.

I hope your DH can see how stressed you are. Tell/ask him to read the checklist and to discuss it with you. As a couple, you need to sort out your responsibilities so that you can bring up a happy child. From your post, your daughter does not seem to feel that way.

Children of your daughter's age can be very difficult; that is the next thing that needs acknowledging. Most problems can be solved by throwing a bit of money at them. What would hiring a nanny for a week feel like? And/or a cleaner? An extra day in nursery? WOMEN DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL.

Don't say you can't afford it. You can't afford to continue like this. (When I see my GP, I want her to focus on my problems, not have half her brain fretting about her own.)

I may return with suggestions of other ideas that may help. I can remember feeling more or less as you do.

Meanwhile, I send you all best wishes. You will get through this.

No it's not normal. Him not changing her nappy in the morning or giving her breakfast is borderline neglectful.
I think you need a proper talk with him over Christmas, he either pulls his socks up or he can leave. Things would actually be easier for you if you were a single mum because you'd get some time to yourself while she is with him.

I know not everyone is like this, but I enjoyed going back to work full time. I wonder if you could do more days at work (but fewer hours per day, if that's possible)? It might help get your sanity back and create more parity between you and your husband.

I’m absolutely shocked he will get up with her but not instantly change her nighttime nappy or give her breakfast. That is cruel