Hi all.
This may be a long one but I need some support with this. Me and my boyfriend have been together now 8 years, and he's always been great with a few hiccups.
Since we have been together he has always liked to drink alcohol, I can take it or leave it. However, over the last 3-4 years, he has been drinking much more and his personality changes after a certain amount. I know the stages he will go through and the outcome will be.
At first he is all "jokey" and in a good mood, then he turns the joke onto me and I can have a joke but he goes overboard and it's not funny then he says that I can't handle his humour and that I need to learn how to handle a joke. He then starts to become in a play fighting type mood which is cute and all, but not when he is drunk because he is 6 foot 3 and I am 5 foot 2, and he doesn't know how rough he can be, and even with me saying spot that's enough, he laughs and continues, saying he thought I was joking.
He also enjoys telling me the stuff he has done for me, and compares what he brings to the relationship verses what I bring. With him earning more than me, he says he enjoys treating me but I actually dread it knowing he will remind me what he did or bought for me in a few weeks time.
I've told him how he acts after a drink and he assures me he is going to change his drinking habits and he never does, or if he does its for a few weeks and an excuse, like an occasion or something will be the reason he has to drink. It even ruins our plans together because somewhere along the lines, the plan will change so we can go to a pub or something.
He's always again made "jokes" about me cheating and a few times earlier in the relationship wanted to go through my phone and I used to have a stronge mindset and said no because to me it's a sign of controlling behaviour, which I have had in previous relationships. I have never cheated and don't like the idea of it.
Last night we had an argument. His best friend has been travelling the world with his partner of 11 years and they split up (due to his best friend finding another girl and cheating on his partner) my partner told me they were talking last night and his friend asked if I let my partner go through my phone, my partner explained to me that he said I get funny about my phone and don't let him go through it. Which annoyed me as he has gone through it in the past and he knows my passwords. I said that I do not get funny about it but it's a lack of privacy and the disrespect of him feeling the need to go through my phone. I said you can go through my phone anytime I'm not bothered to which he replied "yeah I bet I can now" and "I don't want to see what's on there" my partner isn't stupid and he knows how to word things, so the way he worded that, to me, insinuated I had something to hide which annoyed me. When I stated it annoyed me, he said to me "why are you going on and making an issue" This annoyed me even more because he is good at getting me annoyed or upset then gaslighting me into believing he hasn't said anything wrong.
We are not engaged or anything but he went on to say that anyone he is going to marry he wants them to take a lie detector test because of his own insecurities from previous relationships and if that person loved him, they would do it.
Now, I'm going to add something I am very ashamed of. This is the only time I have lied to my partner. December 2022, I found out I was around 9 weeks pregnant. After doctors telling me I could struggle to convince previously, I didn't think I would be pregnant. Over the 2 months (when I was blindfully unaware I was pregnant) I lost around 4 stone because I was being sick everyday from eating or just drinking water. The doctors told me I have a medical condition that basically my body rejects pregnancy, and it I would have to be in hospital for the entire pregnancy. This scared me and as I have never been in this position, I was worried I'd damage the baby's health. As I was 9 weeks pregnant, I had little time to process the idea and we made a decision to abort. I've never wanted to do this, and once I did, it hit me hard and to a point I felt I deserved to die. I wanted to take my own life. My partner refused to talk about the situation making me feel alone. It was an at home abortion and I was alone during the process and hated everything about it. My partner said that he went through it all as well just as much as I did, which I understand he went through it mentally but physically it was a memory I will never forget and wanted to talk to my partner and be a team to overcome it but he didn't want too. I was so low, I turned to drugs. Never have done it before but for around 2 months I had cocaine, I wanted to OD. He found one bag and I panicked but told him everything. He states that I lied and used the abortion as an excuse to have drugs, which was not the case. He says this is the reason he doesn't trust me, and he is unsure if i have cheated in the past. I thought we moved on from this and I hated myself for doing what I did. But does this mean I deserve to be punished over and over? He has accused me of cheating before anything like this happened.