How do you know when it's time to end it?

[Marshmallowone]

Hi

How do people know when it's time to end it or just a rough patch? I think I know it's the end of the road but I'm scared in case I'm making a massive mistake that can't be reversed. What if its my pre-menopausal brain/symptoms making me feel like this?

And how do you prepare to protect yourself from the breakdown of a long term relationship? House and kids involved but no marriage.

I think that's very personal.
I've ended 2 long-term relationships, both no kids however, and I've always felt it in my bones. There was always a moment when I suddenly realised that I was done, and nothing in the world could have convinced me to stay after that.
However, both of those times came after years of being miserable in these relationships, years of doubting whether or not to leave and knowing that leaving was the better option. The second relationship was even abusive. I wish I had managed to leave a lot sooner.

I suppose you could ask yourself these questions:

1. If you were told you'd have to spend 48 hours in a small space alone with your partner, how would you feel about that?
2. If someone told you that you and your partner are very alike, would you feel complimented or offended?
3. Does the prospect of your child ending up married to someone like your partner make you happy or sad for them?

If all of those answers are negative, then it doesn't mean you have to break up right this instant. But you know deep down that you will not find happiness in this relationship. Not now, and probably not ever. So what's the point in postponing the inevitable?

To asnwer your last question, nothing can prevent you from the impact of a relationship breakdown. You have to go through it. The pain will be there. Then it gets better. Avoiding the short-term pain only leads to more pain down the road.

@Girlmom35 🌟 Wise words..
It's a shame many of us can relate
New here @Marshmallowone re-read your Q/post.

I guess it depends on circumstances.
Are you both able to still communicate?
Do you have a safe support network/ roof over your heads, finances etc?

When you know, you feel it. Come on..
Hope you find your independence self again. 💐

What is it that makes you feel this way? Is it a difficult relationship? Are your values different? Or is it just something you feel?

When you raise same issues over and over again and are not heard

When imagining growing old with the person fills you with dread

When you feel like part of your life is a lie, e.g. what’s displayed to the outside world doesn’t marry up with how things really are

When trust and emotional safety is gone

and many more things

Honestly - when you are at the point of asking this question. Then you know it’s time (or should do)

I think you know when you are consistently same increasingly fantasizing about splitting up. It’s so hard

Good answer!

I was asking myself a very similar question about 20 months ago, and read some old MN threads which recommended the book too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. This really helped focus on what was good and not so good about my relationship. But it is a really difficult decision, especially if you have children.

2 and 3 filled me with horror.

I already know it’s not working though. Just can’t face leaving.

@Marshmallowone you need to just get to that tipping point. No advice will help you here. I have friends in unhappy relationships yet the prospect of going out dating again is really daunting so they just stick it out, regardless of how unbearable it all is. I guess im saying you'll get to that point then the time will be right.

It's that last straw. The step too far.

I've never doubted my decisions afterwards. I've only ever felt overwhelming relief. Perhaps I should leave sooner.

And you don't have to go out dating again. Being single is a perfectly reasonable choice.