Worried about the future as a single Mum

[crystalball2025]

So my partner and I have had another argument that has triggered me to end it. I literally cannot do it anymore! I work full time and have a good job, I juggle work, childcare, everything! Even down to managing the bills and everything that needs doing in the house. My partner is younger than me (8 years) and as we've continued through our relationship and since having a child, he just seems so immature and I've just had enough.

I feel sick as this has happened just before Xmas which I was looking forward to and hoping it would all be ok, but sadly not.

I'm just so worried about the impact this will have on my son. I've only spent one night away from him and the thought of splitting weekends and holidays fills me with dread!

I'm also worried financially - my parents said they will be guarantors as I can't lose my house and think I'll need them as my credit isn't great (only the past year) as mortgage has gone up, nursery fees, catching up after a year and a half of mat leave.

I suppose I just need my hand held and some advice for anyone who's been through this.

I promise I have tried to avoid this.

Love, you've been a single mum a lot longer than you've realised.
You don't need to worry about being a single mum. You've got this. You're doing it already.
You have an immature partner who doesn't do his fair share. You are doing it all: working, childcare, finances, household. What's the difference going to be now? I can tell you: at least when you're actually single, you don't have to deal with the frustration and disappointment of living with a man-child. You no longer have to waste energy trying to teach him to function as a basic human being.

You will be fine. You're strong. You're resilient. You're brave. You are a very powerful woman, a good mother to your son.
Take things one step at a time. I promise there are better things waiting for you at the end of this tunnel.

@Girlmom35

Thank you so much for these kind words. It's so true, but I think I'm worrying so much about not being able to buy him out of home. I can afford to, but on paper I probably won't be able to. I can't lose my security that's all I have and it scares me to death.

It's also the share of custody! He's my baby and the thought of not being with him some weekends kills me. He's never been apart from me at night apart from once and I worry about the impact it's going to have on him. I've protected him for so long and given him everything he needs and wants, but how can I do that like I have if I am a part time parent.

Honesty, you need tonstop being soppy about only being a part time parent etc.
.this man has done zero parenting based on your post, leaves you to handle it all so the chances of him wanting regular contact isnunliekyl.

However, you need to get ducks in a row. Propose something that is fair but manageable especially as you need to build up to longer times away from you as his primary carer.

Propose a couple of evening ls a week and dog bedtime at yours. Start with half days for a few weeks. Then full days. Then work up to 1 overnight and so on.

You chikdbis still very young and should it go to court as long as you have been reasonable and shown that you are wanting to build up contact slowly tonprotect your child no one will have many issues with it.

But you need to drop the drippy part time parent bullshit (sorry I know that is harsh but you kinda need a reality check). You are not now. Nor will you ever be a part time parent. You will just have shared custody.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan

I appreciate this thank you.

I must add he will definitely be wanting to see him a lot. He's a good dad when it comes to his relationship with our son and my son adores him. They do have a lot of fun together and a lovely bond.

I know I can do it, but it's the fear of losing my home and everything else to come.

A home is just some bricks.
Remember that.

You can build a home anywhere you have to. You're probably very attached to the house as it's been a constant reliable thing in your life, when your partner has been anything but those things.
But don't be blinded by it. If not this house, then there will be another one.

The time and weekends away will be hard at first. You'll get used to it eventually. Get a good mediator if you can. You say your ex is a good dad. Do you mean a fun dad who's nice to your son because he gets to do all the fun things and leaves the nurturing and parenting to you? Or is he an actually good dad who takes on all of the responsabilities of a father? Because a lot will depend on which of these he is.
A truly good dad can perfectly take care of his son on his own. No need to protect your child from that. On the contrary, your son would benefit from having that dad around.

Being a single mum is great, you know everything is on you so don't feel resentful.

Sharing time with your child is horrible at first but honestly if you can maximise that time it can be the best of both worlds.

You can have time to relax, pursue things you enjoy, do adult things which wellbeing wise is great for you and balances out always being 'on' the rest of the time. Also do all the batch cooking and chores so that time with your DC is quality instead of having to juggle it.

Tips:
Have a transition activity when ever DC comes back, going from knee parent to another and different rules is tricky and can come out as poor behaviour. I used to run DD a bubble bath regardless of time of day when she returned, it helped reset her, then a baby / child massage to rebuild the bond and cosy clothes on and a warm drink a couple of biscuits and a story. That helps reset and rebond.

Keep the medicine cabinet stocked for you and DC and longlife milk in storage and bread in the freezer. If you can have a stock of food incase you can't get out due to illness for a week although with Deliveroo this is less of an issue.

Contact
Little and often, courts were happy for DD not to do overnights until she was 4 but this might be different if your ex is used to having her alone.
We built up slowly and then ex did twice a week 08:30 till 6pm, or after nursery until 6 pm.
Then Wednesday till 6pm and it was meant to be EOW 08:30- Sat to 6pm Sun but DD never liked sleeping over so he'd bring her back and pick her up in the morning.

He may well go for 50:50 and that will be hard but again it allows you to recharge and means you can prioritise your career and work on the non DC time so that is stronger, you can focus on health and wellbeing and your hobbies in the evening

Mothers/Fathers day and birthdays with relevant parent

Christmas and her birthday alternated, Christmas eve noon- boxing day noon, this was so she could spend uninterrupted time with both families, and was no bother as I don't work over Christmas so just made 27th Christmas eve and 28th Christmas day starting her advent calendar to coincide with that.

Only ever send old or cheap clothes you are happy to not be returned - it causes an awful lot of agro when the nice clothes don't get given back so just stick up on Supermarket or Primark basics.

Expect ex to provide everything when DC goes to his, don't start sending stuff especially things like prams you'll be upset if they get damaged.

Go through CMS for money, putting that middle person in place is really useful for disrupting the bad feeling. We do the middle option which has a small one off admin fee, they review his wages every year and send him a payment schedule to set up a standing order.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan has got it right I think - how you start off is not forever.
If you can afford the house - using your parents if needs be - you'll be fine. Actually if you need to downsize - you'll still be fine. Deep breath time - the tough bits are deciding to split, and going through with it. The logistics bits can be stressful, but actually it's all manageable, right now your big barrier is you not believing you can do it. I think you can

You will be fine. I was left with a disabled 2 year old in my early 40's. My ex husband has disappeared. I can tell you now that despite my fears at the time, I've been ok. My son has thrived because we don't have the cheating, gaslighting, narc negative influence in our lives.

You're already a single parent and the peace you will have without the awful relationship will be worth its weight in gold.

The best thing I ever did was to split from my DD's dad. She has had the best life so far, 2 birthdays, 2 Christmas's, 2 holidays a year etc. I know if we'd have stayed together we would have ended up hating each other and it would have had a negative affect on DD. I did struggle at times with only one wage coming into the house but I did manage and so will you. It can be hard but very much worth it than staying with a looser.

Thank you all.

The thing with the house, it's that it's a flat and we were looking to move, so downsizing wouldn't be an option for me. I'd have to get my parents to help perhaps be guarantors.

I think that's my main concern! How would I start over again - renting? I'm not young, so I have to cling on to this. I've been married before (10 years) he left me for another woman as I wanted to wait to have children and in the end he got fed up of waiting and left. So I've lost a lot before and it's all I have.

Ok so just get your parents to help, you said you can afford it and the flat is important to you - so keep it, don’t even think about renting.
You’re just seeing barriers, but there’s ways round them all.
Right now your brain is going to be a bit fuddled (is that even a word??) so take your time, sense check with friends and family.
It doesn’t make you weaker to ask for help - just shows you know when you need it, there’s times we all do.

just because you’re an old woman, doesn’t mean you have to be a defeatist miserable old woman!

These are very normal fears. You’ll be okay. I sobbed so much at first when my dc were away from me at weekends but I got used to it and then I began to enjoy it. I promise, things will settle down.

Also, OP accept as much help (financially and otherwise) as you can from your parents.

I'm really appreciative of all of your advice and kind words.

I've been powering through all day (to the point I went to get in my car and just threw up) I got home (he was always meant to be out tonight) and he's taken an overnight bag (due to where he's going) but I can't see anything else gone! I've asked him to leave and now I'm worrying when I get home tomorrow (I'm out with my LO and friends) that he's going to be here. I don't think I can handle that!!

So don’t go home alone. Take a friend. Just knowing there will be someone with you will help stop you worrying about it. Don’t try to do this all alone, ok? You did well to ask for support on here but someone to hold your hand IRL is what you need right now

@Bittenonce thank you - I'm not ready to involve any of my friends atm. Does that make sense? It just all feels so surreal. Why can't life be simple - I don't ask for much in life 😂

@crystalball2025 you'll know what’s best for you. I’d just counsel to keep friends and family close. And don’t feel the need to carry all the weight on your own

@HPandthelastwish I've just read through this properly - my gosh, thank you! X

@TheFormidableMrsC unbelievable! Makes me feel like if you could do it anyone can! Xx

@Bittenonce I told my SIL - she's been wonderful. I went out today and he sent me a message saying 'I think we need to talk about everything' and he will be home when I get back. I've walked through the door with LO and it's just been full on since then. I've put LO to bed and he's not attempted to speak. I'm too tired atm and have another busy day tomorrow.

I also got home and he's just slobbed all day and clearly hungover. Let's see if he attempts to tidy up tomorrow.

I didn't respond to his message. I was having a lovely time with little one and I wasn't going to let him encroach on that.

Will see what tomorrow brings!

I kind of feel at peace atm, but I know it won't stay that way.

@crystalball2025 must admit I feel happier knowing you’ve got your SIL in your corner. Also looks like you’re a stronger person than him. You can get through this ok: but now you’re starting to see that too 😃

@Bittenonce aww thank you!

Dreading a conversation with him, as he will probably put it all back on me because I've not responded, but whatever. I feel indifferent - like 'oh just do what you want already man' 😂

I left my DDs father 5 years ago now - it took me so long to leave because of reasons similar to yourself - finances, split weekends etc.

I never imagined it to be a possibility - but I thrived when I left him. Financially you will get help and support.

Being away from your child is difficult at first - however it’s also like having a new identity - time for you! lots of mine has been filled with studying (I had the confidence to pursue a PhD when I left him), seeing friends, getting all the boring mundane jobs out the way with - so when my DD home we can have quality time.

Honestly, from what you have said - this is the start of a completley new life for you! I wish you all the happiness in the world

Gosh, you have made it sound like a business and being a single parent isn't always 'great'.