Partner will never do anything at home and I have to pick up after him all the time.

[Neverhavethetime]

Me and my partner have been getting into so many arguments lately about him doing nothing in the house. Yes he works full time and I only work one evening for 5 hours due to his weird work times. We have 2 kids, one who is primary age and one who is 2. We have no help for childcare and can’t afford nursery currently. I’m absolutely ok keeping the house, it’s not a problem.

My problem is that he never ever puts anything away after himself. So all day long I’m picking up after 2 kids and him. Then when he can’t find what he’s looking for it’s my fault for moving or throwing it away. I’ve said to him numerous times if you put your stuff away, empty your pockets or your work bags and not just dump everything where you leave it then it wouldn’t be a problem. His response is always I don’t have the time, which is rubbish. I’m sick of him dumping stuff on shelves and then piling more and more on top and never doing anything with it. There’s out of date food he’s not eaten at work and just crap on top of crap. He can’t ever find anything.

I know it’s probably a generalisation but I’ve come across many men who basically think we are extensions of their mother. I’m not here to mother him and it’s putting me right off him. I think there’s only so many times I can say to him if he wants to know where something is then put it away. I can’t stand this anymore.

What would he do if he lived alone?

Can you take the kids away for a week somewhere, go to stay with family?

He might then realise all you do in terms of laundry, cooking, tidying and cleaning!

He lived in a mess so assume this again.

Get a big cardboard box

Shove crap in there?

He only recognises what he does I think. There is no value in what I do. That is how it feels.

Just buy a big tub and dump all his stuff in there.

I'd get a big black sack and shove all his stuff that he leaves laying around in there. Then we asks where something is, he'll know. How's sound insufferable.

1. Tell him that it's making him extremely unattractive to you, that it makes you feel like his mum and you don't know if you will ever fancy him again if it continues.
2. Ask him if he thinks he is setting a good example for his kids
3. Whenever you find him sat down doing fuck all, or fiddling around with hobbies, you can go 'great - you've got time to do some tidying/cleaning, xx needs doing' if he complains he needs downtime, point out how many hours you spend cleaning, doing childcare, working vs him.
4. Honestly, start making plans to leave him, because actions speak louder than words and he might claim he loves you, but we don't expect people we love to be our domestic slaves, or do things that deliberately make our partners life harder. Please don't teach your children that this is normal. You and they deserve better.

And to anyone who might come along and say 'are you seriously suggesting OP leave the father of her kids over a bit of mess' yes I bloody am - his attitude towards it is the issue. This is not how you treat people if you are a good person.

Honestly I’d just stop doing it. You do not have to run around picking his shit up.

I’m on maternity leave currently so do more of the house stuff but I’m not his mum. I’m more than happy to do the washing that’s in the basket, the dishes that are in the sink etc but I’m not wandering around the house playing guessing games with where things should be.

Previously living in a mess should have been your first clue.

Hamper at the side of his bed, shove all his crap in there to sort.

Or separate houses. These men never change.

That's what I used to do. Put my ex Hs stuff left lying around in a plastic tub and put it in the shed at the bottom of our 100 foot garden
When he asked I'd say you know where it is 😂

What is getting to me the most is that when he can’t find stuff or I move stuff it’s my fault. He won’t admit he should have done something and it going is a consequence of him dumping, it’s just my fault. I don’t want it all left around in view, plus the kids just take it anyway so it’s needs to be put away.

We have a saying in our house, don't put it down put it away, which sort of goes alongside a '1 touch' rule.

So you don't pick something up, move it slightly closer to where it is supposed to be and then put it down to deal with it later.

It largely (though not all the time) keeps the house free of clutter.

I don't like that people have immediately gendered the issue, there are just as many slobs that are women. He's messy because he's a lazy dick, not because he's male.

It’s the lack of accountability which is bothering me. He is like this with many things. Something will happen and he can’t see his role. For example he says I’m never in the mood for sex, but then why would I be having to go around picking up his stuff, wiping his hair off the sink daily where he shaves and leaves it.

He’s a selfish prick and he will never change. He sees you as beneath him. You’re meant to keep the house, do the childcare and make yourself available for him sexually. That’s how he sees you. You’re not an equal, you’re not even a real person. You’re his personal maid, nanny and fuck doll. Now, shut up and stop nagging him.

What is getting to me the most is that when he can’t find stuff or I move stuff it’s my fault.
Then put it all in a box next to his side of the bed. Bonus points for putting it where he has to move it before he can get into bed every night. Do not deviate from this plan even if you both consider it rubbish like an empty crisp packet or can of beer. If after a year (or less) you are still doing this then it's time for you to make a choice. Either accept you are living with a dirty, disgusting, lazy and selfish arse or you make plans to live in another house. After having to live with someone similar for forty years I will tell you something for free. It will eventually break you mentally, emotionally and physically if you try to live with it.

I don’t think he’d care if I didn’t do the house, I don’t think he cares about the mess. But I care and that should be enough for him to do something if like you say he cared about me. Which I’m not so sure he does tbh.

Maybe not but my comment still stands in every other regard. It sounds as if he is not only happy to do f all and let you run yourself ragged to keep the house clean and tidy but he also pesters you for sex and give you a hard time if you don’t want it. That’s not a man who respects you. Of course you don’t want to have sex with a lazy, dirty slob who makes everything your fault and leaves you to do all the housework and childcare. You’re not his bang maid. F that guy. Have more respect for yourself than to put up with his bullshit. Also, what is this dynamic teaching your children? That men are lazy and women are bang maids?

And you thought this was the ideal person to move in with and have kids?

He obviously does care because he is moaning he can't find his stuff. He wouldn't do it himself but he cares that you aren't looking after his shit for him. I second the hamper on his side of the bed and dump it all in there.