Christmas issue with mum

[Bella872]

Hello

any advice greatly received as I’m feeling pretty sad and low re a recent grumble between my mum, sister and me.

i have a 2 year old and a high needs 9 month old that feeds every three hours still. We live two hours from my mum and sister and the rest of the family.

I feel uneasy going back to the family home as I am not comfortable with my stepfather due to childhood issues. my youngest daughter has not left the area that we live in and has recently got out of hospital from a 5 day rsv stay. (Mum never came down to help with the toddler then)

my sister and mum are / were due to come down on Sunday and I suggested going to a local wildlife park / hot chocolates etc as it’s nice for the toddler to be able to run around and be safe etc, but my wants to go to a upmarket (and expensive) garden center nearby.

I said well why don’t you come for breakfast and then we go to the wildlife park and then when the toddler goes back to the house for her nap with her dad we can go to the garden center with the baby (begrudgingly as she won’t nap properly in her pushchair) but I’m trying to tick all the boxes…

cue my mum and sister saying the following things to me…

”we are travelling all this way to go to a wildlife park”
”what if we get cold”
”why do we always have to follow your timings”

when I mentioned it was a safe place for the toddler to roam and be free, my mum half joked about her own safety? I gently said, mum these comments aren’t helpful,, when we are all trying to create a lovely family day and catch up. Even if you are trying to make a joke.’

they basically goaded me over phone and I tried to remain as calm as possible and bright / breezy but when my sister finally said, “well I don’t know why we bother, nothing we do is ever right” . So I told them to bugger off and hung up. I feel like they bully and gang up on me and often my sister lets slip something mums said and vice versa. I dont relay it back and to confirm I have some long term CBT training happening due to my anxiety.

now they haven’t answered my calls since and they are due to come on Sunday. What do I do? They are waiting for me to say, well don’t come then… and then they can say it as my decision. to be honest I don’t want them to come and ruin our Sunday with their demands. equally I don’t want my daughters not to have a relationship with them, etc or at least be an option that I tried to create this family link?

I get that I shouldnt have snapped and that was wrong.

what should I do?

why do you allow this? Drop the rope. Do not respond to texts and cut them both off. Dont put up with the shitty behaviour. Youll feel so much better once you set yourself free!

Well you have dictated to them that it's going to be a wildlife park so I don't think they are being unreasonable.
Its December and bloody freezing so I get where they are coming from.

don’t want them to come and ruin our Sunday with their demands

Umm you are being quite inflexible, a trip to a posh GC is fine, toddler can look at the lights, pets if they have them and then cafe to warm up.
You are moaning about their behaviour but you dictated what was happening,say they bully you when they prefer to do something else and then told them to bugger off and hung up!
It sounds like control issues on both sides tbh

I can see both sides tbh.

You want an easy life for your 2yo

They don't want to go round the park

Neither is wrong. But stroppiness on both sides not helping.

It sounds like you overreacted to your mum's joke but I feel like this is more down to a long-standing feeling like you're not getting the support you expected you would since having kids. I've been there, it's tough to adjust expectations. Acceptance is key.

If you don't want to see them, leave it.

If you do, I'd message them apologising for snapping and saying you'd love to see them on Sunday. Don't mention plans at this stage.

Maybe they just don't want to go to a wildlife park?

I am guessing that there's more to this though

Perhaps come up with some other completely different alternatives and say okay lets find something we all want to do and make a list.

I think a whole bunch of adults trudging round a cold damp wildlife park to placate a two year old sounds depressing, and I wouldn't be desperate to do it either.

My kids loved a garden centre at Christmas when they were wee! Loads of Christmassy things to look at then a trip to the cafe.

If you've got a group of adults, the kid needs to fit in with the activity, you don't plan a kid activity and expect all adults to be good with wandering about a park on a December afternoon.

I can see both sides too. They sound difficult. But if I was having visitors coming to my house, I wouldn't be organising an activity that was mostly for my kids. Chances are high it'll be raining anyway, what is your alternative plan?

I get your point but I also get theirs. Its december and freezing, hardly ideal for a walk round a wildlife park, nobody is going to enjoy that. I have always tried to make my baby fit in with my routine. Obviously we do lots of baby classes and soft play etc but I do also expect to be able to go shopping and have food with the baby. It's not fair for one child to dictate for multiple adults.

I dont really understand why a wildlife park is not as safe as a GC. Surely between 3 or 4 adults you can keep a toddler safe in a GC? Also the GC surely cant be as expensive as tickets for so many people for a wildlife park?

I wouldn’t want to spend a freezing day in Dec at a wildlife park. The garden centre sounds a lovely idea and will entertain the kids. You have a partner who is around so let him take care of the kids if they’re playing up.

from personal experience, it is very irritating trying to make plans with people who think every second should revolve around the children. They need to learn to not be having fun all the time and to be doing normal every day activities without misbehaving or moaning.

So the adults are expected to do an activity to placate a 2 year old!!!! Wildlife park in December, no thanks unless it’s like Longleat and you can be in a nice warm car.

I'm guessing Cotswold Wildlife park abs Burford Garden Centre?

If I'm right I'd chose the wildlife park over the garden Centre with a toddler any day. The park is lovely and did have warm indoor places as well as space to run arrive. Lots of people take their children there in winter.

The garden centre would be a nightmare at this time of year, heaving with people and full of hazards for a child!

Your mum and sister sound daft.

Why would you want your children to have any sort of a relationship with such people. If they are too difficult/batshit etc for you to deal with, it is the same deal for them too. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents and your parents do not fit the bill.

Drop the rope and put far more mental distance between you and they.

I think a whole bunch of adults trudging round a cold damp wildlife park to placate a two year old sounds depressing, and I wouldn't be desperate to do it either.

I do agree with this tbh. If they're travelling to see you I don't think the wildlife park thing is great. I see you're centring your 2yo to try and make it as easy as possible for you, but it's not much fun for anyone else.

Can't you go for a nice pub lunch?

I feel uneasy going back to the family home as I am not comfortable with my stepfather due to childhood issues

None of this is about wildlife parks or garden centers though is it? What did your mother turn a blind eye to growing up that has left you unable to return to the home you grew up in?

None of this is about wildlife parks or garden centers though is it? What did your mother turn a blind eye to growing up that has left you unable to return to the home you grew up in?
Agree
Op do you think you are cŕeating this dynamic to protect yourself and your child?
I mean it kindly btw, it's likely a subconscious act
You make an unreasonable demand, they push back, you push them away?

I wouldn’t see them, they don’t seem to care that your children and you are happy and comfortable, only about what they want to do. Family days need to fit around the children’s needs.

No, family days should be a compromise on what everyone wants.

TBH I don't think my parents would go to a wildlife park in December. A garden centre would be mine and there prefered option. Lots of lights, christmas decorations, you can have food there and they also cater for kids. I can see why it appeals to them.

It does sound like you are centring the whole day on something that makes you feel safe and not something that makes everyone happy. Rather than saying no to the garden centre how about asking your sister to keep up with your toddler so you can deal with the baby or let your mum hold her when she doesn't need feeding. My 5mth old niece gets passed around to us all when her mum is trying to clean or cook, we are happy to have the baby cuddles.

I used to get the yearly pass to the cotswold wildlife park with my daughter, I used to take her other to the garden center and the park often. I can see why its unappealing to people without small children TBH, 17yrs on I wouldn't choose to go in December.

It is probably too cold for a trip to a wildlife park, but your mum doesn't seem at all bothered about her grandchildren, so I wouldn't bother arranging anything with her in future.

I don't think my mum would want to drive 2 hours to trudge round a wildlife park in the cold, and I wouldn't ask her to do it if it was a place I lived close to that the toddler could go to any time.

I wouldn’t want to drive two hours to go to a wildlife park and I have young DC. You seem quite fixed and anxious with your plans, the issue with that is you can’t expect everyone else to just follow suit. Had you already told them you couldn’t travel to them because of your DC’s needs?

Personally, I love a garden centre at Christmas.

I've been to a wildlife park in December. It was perishing and we saw hardly any animals simply because it was too cold for them to venture out.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less in December, to be honest.

I think there’s good advice upthread as I can see both sides too, but I just wanted to mention that you said you have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and your youngest has recently had a hospital stay. That’s a lot to cope with. I’m sure it’s been very stressful and worrying. I hope things get sorted out with your family and that it all settles down before Christmas. Sometimes it is very hard looking after young children and trying to fit other things in.