Struggling with overbearing mother

[Rosiebun]

i just want to start by saying I know there are many people who sadly no longer have their mum or don’t have a relationship, so I am grateful that my mum is in my life but I am really struggling with her at the moment.
We’ve always clashed while I was growing up, she seems to be quite anxious and overbearing and I’ve found that to be quite annoying at times, and I’ve found as I’ve got older her anxiety has rubbed off on me and I’ve become quite a worrier myself.
I’m recently pregnant with my first child, and obviously my mum is over the moon and very excited, which obviously I am happy that she is so excited but already there are things that are grating on me. She’s coming across a little possessive, saying things like “MY grandchild” and essentially saying she wants to be very hands on and involved, she’s joked to the point where I’ll be sick of her. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad she wants to be involved but I feel like it’s a little too much, we’ve already had two arguments, one about her not kissing the baby, when I asked her not to and to respect my boundaries, her response was “well you don’t know what I’ll do when you’re not there”, and the second one was about not wanting visitors in the hospital after the baby is born or really the first couple of days/first week while we adjust to our new life as a family.
I feel awful saying all this as I know it’s coming from a place of love and excitement, it’s just too much. When I’ve tried to bring things up she either gets offended or just brushes it off and says it’s my hormones. She makes out like I’m an awful person when I inevitably snap at her because she’s irritated me. I don’t really know what I’m looking for other than some advice on how to handle this situation and to feel slightly less alone/ like I’m not a terrible person!!

I would be saying the boundaries now - you won’t be kissing baby because I don’t want them to get sick. And then if she says “you won’t know” you have to go back and say “ i will and then you will have blown your chance to be grandma, won’t you?” You need to nip this in the bud now, and make her understand you are in charge of your own child and anything you don’t want or like will not be happening. It’ll save many an argument later on.

It sounds INFURIATING
Is she just overwhelmed & not thinking properly?
Can you distance yourself a little, be firm but as calm as you can. V difficult I understand and she is out of order😡

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
I can't say it enough.
Your mum is not entitled to your baby.
She doesn't have to understand, like or agree with your rules. She does have to follow them. It's that, or she just won't be allowed near the baby, or at least not unsupervised. Be very firm and hold true to your values.

But I do want to add, maybe you should take a moment to reflect on your own anxiety. I have the same tendencies, so this comes from a judgement-free place and a lot of understanding. But when you're very anxious and want everything regarding your baby to be done right (meaning your way) - even when you have seemingly very good reasons for this - you are shutting people out. And you're becoming a mum, but your mum is also becoming a grandmother, your siblings are becoming aunts or uncles. All of these people are waiting to develop a relationship with your child, and would like to do so in an authentic way. People can't develop bonds when they have to follow a strict set of rules and guidelines.
So it's also important to really think about which restrictions you're setting, and why. And weigh them out versus also limiting the bonding between your child and your childs family. Some rules are set in stone and you shouldn't back down on them. But others may not have to be so strict.
I'm on the other end right now, after having been quite strict myself at times. Maybe it's Karma. Either way it has opened my eyes. My brother has a one year old and I feel like I'm hardly allowed to look at her without breaking a rule. I'm not allowed to hold her, feed her, change her, cook for her, be present while she has a bath, not allowed to give gifts for her birthday (they don't want her to value things over people or quality time together), not allowed to play with her as it disrupts her free play and sets the expectation to constantly be played with. And honestly, she may be my niece but I feel zero connection with her. She feels like a strangers child. And even though I respect all of my brothers rules, it often makes me incredibly sad.
So just think it over. Feel your values, what you believe in, what you stand for. But maybe leave fear and anxiety out of this, because those make people rigid.

I do think impending motherhood is a very anxiety inducing time so, and I mean this very kindly, it may be making you over zealous in putting in boundaries. There’s no doubt that there is often good reasons for rules but I would also say your mum sounds very (over?) excited and that this may fade a little. You also don’t want to burn bridges and have your baby have no relationship with your mum. Ultimately, in your situation you may feel without control but in reality you will be making all the decisions here so there’s no need to feel over anxious and go nuclear on stopping her interference. You can always gently say no and step it up if she isn’t having it. It’s not an all or nothing situation. You can quietly insist without everyone getting pissed off.
@Girlmom35 is quite correct in what she says about her relationship with her niece. It’s been ruined by all the ridiculous boundaries that were put in place. That would be a shame if you do something similar.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I do appreciate that part of it could be my own anxieties, especially around being a new mum but it is difficult to feel like your own mum isn’t respecting your boundaries. I will bear in mind though that it’s probably me feeling anxious too and hopefully I can try and speak to her about it in a calm way, without her getting offended or me upsetting her