MIL & Holidays & upfront conversations

[Dasher2412]

I have been on a few holidays with my IL’s previously and would do so again. It’s important for my DH and DS to do that with them and we will do more. We get on ok, lots of grinning and bearing it, but that’s life.

I have a place I would like to visit with my DH & DS. For various reasons this place is very important to me and would be a significant moment in my life to be there. I want to just share that with my DH & DS. It’s not a typical holiday destination.

My MIL wants to come. DH has said no to her. He backs me completely.
I need help, please. My MIL brings it up constantly to me. About how she wants to go there, how we should all go together, talks about them coming, talks about looking at hotels online. If there is anything even slightly related to this destination by a thread, then she’ll use it as an opportunity to start talking about coming.
My DH will continue to deal with the hard longer conversations, but I really need help in how I respond please to these constant smaller comments.
I just need a sentence that I can use when she keeps bringing it up? Something I can say to politely be clear. Any help? I just clam up and internally panic because I don’t know what to say when it’s already been made clear!

There will be other holidays mil, you know this one is just for us .. would you like a brew/wine/a visit to gp to check your memory

if she asks why dh has explained so I hope we don’t need to keep discussing… do you want a brew/wine a dil who goes no contact till said holiday is done….

@Dasher2412 I dont see why it is necessary to go on holiday with inlaws at all!!! or why it is important for your dh and ds to do that?????? just weird! why cant you just say no she is not going with you????

What @Lollypop701 has said.

MIL is a grown woman. She can make her own holiday plans to that specific destination with a friend or relative if she so wishes - her vacations are not your responsibility OP, so do not feel bad.

You're absolutely allowed to have a holiday with just your husband and child and no other extended family - again, do not feel bad.

I'd be doing a lot of wilful misunderstanding and mischievous 'Oh, if you're going to go, will be happy to give you recommendations of hotel/restaurant/trip we liked after we've been' ...

Why do you think it’s normal or right to have to grin and bear it? It’s really not necessary for children or adults to holiday with parents/grandparents, they won’t miss out not doing so. Well they have done so, so on that basis I’d stop it. With regard to this destination, I’d not tell them when you are going and go as soon as possible then next time she asks say oh did John not tell you we’ve been.

As much as we enjoy holidays with you mil sometimes we need and want to do things for ourselves just us. Please respect our wishes.

You tell your MiL she is free to travel to this location whenever she wants but on this occasion, it is a trip that you want for you, your DH and your child. That's it. No other family on this trip.

If she tries to join you, then you have to think of some boundaries that you can implement straight away on your return and stick to them like glue!

I have no great advice but didn’t want to read and run.
You are already doing a lot in terms of holidaying with your in-laws.
You have every right to share this one with your DH and DS.
Perhaps in future maybe don’t tell them so many of your plans? I know that puts pressure on you, but what MIL doesn’t know about she can’t press you over.
Happened to a friend of mine, special holiday at an all-inclusive with her DH and three teenagers.
MIL booked a flight, turned up at the resort and said she would ‘ bunk’ in with the kids as she wasn’t paying for a room. They explained to her she needed her room pass/ID to eat, go to the pool etc. she ended up staying in a nearby hotel (which they had to pay for!)
And I am possibly the same age as your MIL
and wouldn’t dream of behaving like this.
I don’t know her but she sounds like she’s trying to
stir up trouble, hoping her DS will cave.

"Ah yes Sally, that's a nice little hotel, would be good for you and Dennis to have a couple of nights away together. Leave us your key and we'll water the plants/let the cat out etc".

Or..

"It's a lovely town, we'll have to give you some recommendations for dinner/activities/fish & chips after we've been."

MiL, this is such an important place for me and I do think you could allow me this little bit of freedom to share it with DH. It would make me really sad if you ruin our lovely relationship over this.

Just book it and go. Why are you even discussing this stuff with her?

lots of grinning and bearing it, but that’s life.

It might be life but, for me, holidays are about escaping from the obligations and stress of normal life. I would never in a million years share my hard-earned annual leave with anyone that I felt like that about. I need that time to decompress, or I would go mad. I can’t understand why anyone would impose on other people in that way.

You've already explained politely and she's making you feel uncomfortable, she's not thinking of your feelings , when she brings it up again you can say you've already spoke about it at length and the answer is still no. I wouldn't even explain again I'd just not reply anymore to her constant need to discuss it

Why is it normal or right for you to have to grin and bear it (these holidays away with the in-laws). Your feelings matter too and its high time you stopped putting your own self last.

Your boundaries re your MIL have been and are way too low and she is not as nice as she appears to be. You've overshared and this has merely played into her hands. Put her on an information diet.

Let your DH continue to deal with her; he has your back. You are under no obligation to speak to her going forward. Book this trip to your happy place destination asap and tell her nothing more about it. Stop taking her calls, she has used you as a weaker link here.

But why do you feel that you just can't say this is a holiday for me and my family? What will she do? Why are you not confident to tell her?

I really need your friend to start a thread and tell us all the horrific details of this!

OP, we have the same issue and I haven't solved it yet. We have done it, we've gone on the holiday and dealt with the upset on our return but I wouldn't say it's easy all the time and the guilt tripping can get wearing after a while. Basically, we just book it and go without discussion.

At the merest hint of her saying something you need to shut it down.

"MIL, the answer is no. You keep mentioning it is not going to change our minds. Please stop."

If she continues then remove yourself from her presence if you can. Leave the room. Leave her house. Whatever it takes.

If there is so much of a whiff of any kind of an outing, a holiday, a trip ahead has a sixth sense.
The family have a beautiful holiday home in France. Friend’s parents are divorced, it’s the father’s home that’s been passed down which he kept in the divorce. He’s remarried. They arranged a holiday for him there for his retirement year, and my friend’s mother was absolutely fuming that she wasn’t invited.
Her parents are civil, the mother has her own partner, but she has FOMO on such a level that she doesn’t care who she offends!
Let’s just say, I get in better with her dad!

I just need a sentence that I can use when she keeps bringing it up? Something I can say to politely be clear

"We've already discussed this haven't we?" in a gentle tone

If she proceeds to "yes, buts" you move to ""We've already said no haven't we?" in the same tone

In the meantime just be glad DH is backing you here; so many don't and the consequences can be unpleasant

«Please stop bringing this up. We want to do this trip alone, so the answer is no».

This is perfect 👌🏻

If she's brought it up repeatedly I think you're well within your rights to be quite sharp about it.

"Do stop bringing it up Cynthia. We've said no and we're not going to change our minds. If you're going to keep on I'm going to end up getting very cross about it and nobody wants that. "

I have to agree that sometimes yu have to get quite firm. LIke you, broadly thing are fine with MIL but she can be a bit like this about presents for the DC in the past - eg she'll ask what I've got them for Christmas then announce SHE wants to make that HER present for them. She doesn't do it any more but I think that's because I did eventually say sharply, "MIL, No. That is a special present that I put a lot of thought and effort into so please stop asking."

Being firm doesn't necessarily mean being rude.

"I think we will cancel this holiday because we want to go just the three of us, but you won't let us. So now nobody is going." Then let her know the day before you leave that you're going. And NEVER tell her your plans again unless you are going to include her in them.