Hi all,
just looking for a an outsiders view, as I’m hurt and upset at something my partner has done . I’ve been with this wonderful kind guy for 2 years. We do not live together and don’t see other that often due to us both having sole custody of our children as we both have have ex partners that are addicts ( reason we met also ) and so we have suffered in them relationships and the troubles still rumble but together we support one another and have the best time when we are together .
A week ago , my partner was telling me that his ex inlaws wanted to see his children (supervising their mother). He refused them as she had been using that week and told me he wasn’t allowing it and that was his final say on the matter .
long story short he went silent on me the day of the should have been meeting ,he was vague on messages to me early in the day of his plans . I just felt something , felt he was covering from me so I put it to him on a message have you sent the kids for the visit ? ( need to add that this makes no difference to me in any way but he doesn’t need to hide it if he changed his mind I’m on his side after all ! ) , he knows he can be honest with me I say it so much and we are usually so open . Anyway He got defensive and then ignored me for the rest of the day wouldn’t reply to my call / msgs but didn’t even show to drinks with some of my friends he was going to meet for first time that night , I felt awful .
He then began messaging me whilst I was out saying he’s not in the wrong , he stated the kids didn’t go anywhere and he was stubborn because of what I’d asked and started saying he doesn’t like being called a liar and he’s not my ex , that I don’t have to play detective ?! but to the point where I thought I had it completely wrong and felt terrible so I apologised and just said my fault for assuming and I shouldn’t doubt him etc etc .
any way we made up , he knows my insecurities ( as I know about his too ) about communication due to the trauma of my past marriage and he was fine said I didn’t need to worry he’s not that that man etc etc .
the next day I ran into a friend who during chatting said they had seen my partners kids out with their grandparents and mother on that particular day in question . I just couldn’t understand why he had gone to great lengths to hide this from me I was taken back .
So I called him and asked him outright about that day , he denied again !! said I was wrong so did he feel he could be straight with me ? He said he felt he could tell me anything so I told him what I had heard from my friend and he point blank and still said it was untrue!! ,
i reiterated again - it doesn’t matter to me but it’s fine to change his mind they are his kids he doesn’t have to hide it just be open with me - he got angry and said ask his son who he would wake up ?! … they haven’t been anywhere that day in question . I said it’s ok no I’m asking you because this doesn’t add up , I’m not quizzing the kids!! - that’s not the type of person I am dragging kids into things?! ! .
He denied fully and it all went silent on call so I said I was going I was walls up by this point feeling like he was taking me as a fool .
Half an hour later I got a large message saying he was too proud to admit he backed down and sent the kids for the visit but that it was not lying it was pride as he had promised himself to stick to his guns -that he wasn’t a bad person and I didn’t need to be detective , he has barely any childcare and needed a break ( all which I understand ) after a few messages he apologised for lying .
But I feel so hurt , I said to him it’s not like I would of judged him I would of said becareful because I’m also aware what it’s like for supervised visits for my kids - judge the situation that’s it , but why lie and even turn some of it on me ??, I felt he punished me that day with the ignoring yet I was right all along!! and of course he then said he was going to tell Me face to face what had actually happened that day but my friend had dropped the news first to me ( 4 days in I need to add).
I feel really flat , I can’t bring myself to be “ normal “ with him . I love him lots but I feel like he’s just crumpled my trust somewhat .. am I overacting ?. I’ve told him this can’t happen again- trust is key for me after my past but I can’t get it out of my head what happens if this isn’t the only lie and it’s just the first one I’ve twigged . It’s the same stomach pit feeling when I came across lies in my marriage it was the beginning of the end - feel so disappointed and sad right now , not sure if I can trust him .
sorry for long post ..
Any views welcome x