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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moving on after long term relationship

4 replies

aunaturel78 · 19/12/2024 01:43

Probably been discussed many times but I'm just wondering why it's so difficult to move on from a relationship that was really toxic and how men find it so easy to flick a switch and move on.
I have recently found out that my ex has moved on and I don't know why it's almost like I'm back at the beginning of this journey.
We have been separated for 18 months so I know that's not like it's too soon. It's not jealousy as the thought of him touching me makes me cringe. It just seems so unjust that me can move on and I'm still healing from yrs of abuse (verbal, emotional, reactive, financial).. I have been through hell, although nobody can tell from the outside.
From my older post you can ser some context but I didn't mention the abuse in this post and think I've only started to process how bad it was.
I also wonder if at 47, I will ever know what is like to have someone's arms around me again. I have lots of healing to do as he almost destroyed me. I know my whole 23 yrs with him was fake and he was not the person I thought he was. From time to time I also feel like he tried to mess with my head e.g he recently went on a trip abroad and called me to say he knew I would have liked this city and we would have to come back....wtf, also brought a gift back and dropped it over when he collected our son. He bumped into my older son on a night out and wanted to tell him that Mum (moi) was his soul mate and always will be.
I know this man is an actual piece of shit loser, so why does hearing he has a new gf make me feel like this? I am doing so well overall but I guess, but have been under huge amounts of stress and this news has sent me back to survival mode. It's also so close to Christmas which is a
lonely when your family is broken 💔 .

Please don't come for me saying he has a right to move on after 18 months (not saying he doesn't). Just feels like he gets to still into the sunset with no consequences or responsibility.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 19/12/2024 05:57

The thing is, he will have consequences to deal with, they might just take some time. As people get older, it becomes harder and harder to hide who they are. The new girlfriend may be all starry-eyed now, but karma has a way of catching up with people.

I too have an abusive ex, and although he hasn't found a new partner as far as I know, he's living like a glamour bachelor. Gyming it up (he only has the kids every second weekend), flash car, fancy house, lots of new clothes, going out to gigs, travelling around. But I know that behind all the status-flaunting, his house is rented, his car is leased, his business is only being preserved by expenses fraud, he's got a spending addiction, a small dick and ED, and he can't handle being wrong.

It's not a recipe for long-term happiness. It might not catch up with him this year, or next year, or the year after. But the kids are starting to ask pointed questions about why Dad acts the way he does, eventually retirement will loom and he'll not have enough in the bank to see him through, and women in their late 40s or older are well and truly disillusioned enough not to put up with his bullshit for long.

I was 46 when I separated from my ex; this year, just before I turned 48, a lovely man started pursuing me and although I wasn't looking, it has turned into a great relationship. My friend's mum, a sweet and funny but certainly not glamorous lady, met a wonderful man (and a multi-millionaire!) in her 50s, post-divorce. Just keep your eyes focused on your own path and being your best self and leave your ex to his own karma.

Bittenonce · 19/12/2024 07:05

It might seem irrelevant right now, but I don’t think it’s a man / woman difference: It’s that the person who has abused / cheated / lied / hurt / whatever- always finds it easier to move on. The person on the other side of this doesn’t. It’s about the kind of person they are.
You know that whoever he’s with now - is welcome to him. You know he’s not a good person. On the other hand he’ll probably see himself as a good guy who is and deserves to be loved, so why wouldn’t you want to visit places together with him? His ego won’t allow him to think otherwise….
You feel that his life is better than yours? It’s not better, it’s just shallower with a shiny top on. Just try not to waste your head space on him, as @CheekyHobson rightly said, look after yourself, you’ll come out of this happier in the end.

aunaturel78 · 19/12/2024 07:29

Yes so true he dies not have much going for him, it was my energy that kept him going for years!

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 19/12/2024 07:43

aunaturel78 · 19/12/2024 07:29

Yes so true he dies not have much going for him, it was my energy that kept him going for years!

Now I like how you’re thinking! Just invest that energy in yourself and others who deserve it more 😁

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