Leave or stay

[Ifyoudontlikeitcookityourself]

My husband of nearly 25 yrs is a high functioning alcoholic and workaholic and takes cocaine . I have had post Natal depression with all 3 kids , suffered with PMDD and I just managed to survive. My Dad died earlier this year and I had to spend time away from home and business. I have never felt so free. I told my husband I had had enough. He immediately changed , stopped taking drugs and will do anything to keep me . I’m not in love with him, we get on. My mum wants me to stay and give him another chance .My close friends say go. I am torn. I will leave a financially privileged life, he will turn my kids against me. Youngest coming up 18 . Any advice would be very welcome

Surely your dc's are old enough to see what he's like?

Your dm is really out of order - she wants you to stay in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic/druggie? Does she know the truth?

It won’t last. He will be back on the drink and drugs as soon as he thinks you’ve decided to stay.

Do yourself a favour and end it. Your children are adults. If he tries to turn them against you, you tell them you left because he was a drunk coke head and you stopped loving him because of it. Then leave it at that.

I think you know the answer to his already...

Heart goes to you for carrying this.

I separated from my wife when my DDs were 23 and 20, when I was certain they both understood how abusive she was, and I knew that everyone would have a roof over their head. I think for them it was right, probably, but there isn't a day I don't regret my choice to stay. Trapped by her drinking. then her cancer (and drinking). then covid (and...). You get it, there was always something.

The possibilities DDs lost by waiting... My advice is, don't wait. Especially if

• some of your kids are boys, and now learning that this drunk thing you live with is their role model for staying with a woman
• you don't have a clear horizon (other than his bullshit promises). If you know you inherit something in a year, one of your children becomes old enough to testify, fair enough; an unending dark tunnel, no, reach for the dynamite

I'd say go, or if you delay, make plans. Look for how you could evidence his behaviour, who might testify, whether your kids understand they'll be up shit creek with him alone, because if all three of them say "we want to live with mum", he can pay lawyers till kingdom come you have a family.

The love is gone. Respect is (probably longtime) gone. The drinking will carry on - he’ll probably be able to stay off for short periods when he thinks you’re going to walk, but it will be back. Not sure why you think the kids will be turned against you? They’ll know what he’s like.
You said you suddenly felt free? Think you should go now - think of it as a trial separation - and if you find you miss him, that he’s changed and not dependent on what goes up his nose or down his throat to keep him going - then think about trying again. But see if you can get that freedom feeling back again.

if you’re youngest is coming up to 18 that means they’re nearly all adult.

if you stay, what will happen once they all leave home and it’s just you and him in an empty house?

life’s too short to be this miserable. You’ve said yourself that you don’t love him.

Do what YOU want to do. Not what your mother thinks.

Your friends are correct and your mother is wrong on so many levels. She is also not the one married to him. You know the truth re this man and you do not love him. I think your kids and you have been through more than enough already re your H/their father.

Thank you for all your helpful advice . I’ve been in this situation now for 5 months . I’ve been in spare room now for 3 weeks. Since this happened he has (so say) stopped the drugs, doesn’t see his bad friends snd no sll night drink sessions . He’s helpful , considerate, everything to keep me . It’s messing with my head. Why couldn’t he have done this, any of it during last 20 odd years . So life isn’t so bad at the moment but I just can’t forget the way I have been treated and I have no sexual feeling. I will be telling him this after Xmas

That’s what abusive men do. They say they’ll change and they do, for a little while. It’s so they can hoover you back in. It’s not real. The real man is the abusive one. You’re right to end the relationship. You should stick to your guns. He will never change.

You feel messed up because he’s changed for now. It likely won’t last and you’re thinking why he hasn’t changed before now.

He enjoys his lifestyle and money but that will change if you divorce him.

You will both lose out financially but think of all that you’ll gain if you leave him !
The kids probably already know what he’s like and are wondering why you can’t save them from him. As for your mum… well she’s not living with him, is she ?!

The ONLY reason to stay would be for the safety of a young child if he can't be safe to care for them alone,
If they're all adults not then flee

It’s messing with my head. Why couldn’t he have done this, any of it during last 20 odd years

see I’ve always thought this to be the biggest insult of all. …’look, I CAN behave if I have to, if it means I get what I want. But you aren’t worth my while doing it all the time‘

fucking tosser

id be fuming.

Please leave so that you provide a good example to your kids that they should never get involved or be like a man like this.

Your mom is horrible. Cut her off. Honestly. Which mum would urge her child to stay with an alcoholic who takes cocaine?

Leave while you still have the chance to lead a happy life. Money isn't worth the misery sometimes. Your dear mum is probably a bit of that older generation where you stayed married, no matter the circumstances. We are freer now.

I’m speaking from a bit of experience here…

It’s all very well feeling “free” when, whatever his faults, hes still in the background, like a subconscious security blanket. It’s a different kettle of fish when you’re thrust into the challenges of full time single life, the kids have taken sides (maybe), your routines are all changed and you’re lonely. Brace yourself for the realities!

However, unless he is prepared to put the work in and show you consistently that he is a changed man, maybe see if you can rescue something? Have counselling?

You need a plan:
In your shoes, whilst hes getting himself together I’d quietly be preparing for an exit. Talk to your children. What might they say? Let them have a voice.

But, the minute he regresses, (if he does) bang! Hit him PDQ with your departure. “All ducks in a row” as they say on MN!

@Ifyoudontlikeitcookityourself is you mum old school as why would you ask you to stay in an unhappy marriage with someone you don’t love and who won’t stay sober.

He may be trying for NOW. Don’t waste anymore years /time.

Why do you think he will turn the kids against you ?