My plans to leave are finally coming together, unexpectedly sad.

[ArtfulBear]

I'm miserable in my relationship. It is not healthy or functional. He periodically gives me the silent treatment, sometimes for two or three weeks at a time. We don't spend time together as a family.

I have a date to get the keys to a little place for me and DS after Christmas. This is good news. But I am sad and guilty. I'm so sick of my emotions right now!

There's excitement in planning an escape to independence, but once that is sorted, it's understandable you'd feel some sadness. It's morning the loss of the family you thought you'd get, but never did. It's all part of giving up on the hopes and plans you had. Well done for making the change, I'm sure you have explained many times to him about being unhappy, so he will of had plenty of opportunity to do something about it, but has chosen not to, his loss.

The silent treatment is just awful.

Congratulations on your new place! I hope that you and your little boy will be happy there. New beginning and no eggshells to be walking on!

Allow yourself to feel sad and guilty but then realise that you are moving on to a brighter future without someone who is emotionally abusing you by refusing to acknowledge or speak to you. You and your little boy deserve better. Quietly start putting together your plans for moving out and away from him. Not long now. When is moving day?

Two things can be true at the same time, it can be both what you really need and feel like a huge relief, and also sad because this isn't what you wanted, for any of you.

Good on you, you won't know yourself, knowing that peace is on the other side of your own front door is unparalleled after living in a strained situation.

Some lovely words here, thank you. We'll be moving in about a month so I'm going to try and be kind to myself and remember that feelings will happen and they're okay.

I should also probably keep reminding myself of all the bad times too! This bit will be hard but in the other side is a home where I can find peace and fill it with love and kindness for my little boy.

Nearly there @ArtfulBear does he know you are leaving him?

Because you are coming to an ending. You are mourning.

I was in a very bad marriage, but felt ineffably sad as the divorce progressed. Because it was the death of a dream, the realisation that the life I had envisioned was not going to happen.

Once I got into my new house - hoooooo! I could paint rhe walls any colour I like, buy a new lamp without getting the third degree about how much money I was spending, eat what I wanted for dinner...

@TeaMistress I'm planning to tell him the week after Christmas. I feel guilty about not having told him, but we've had years of conversations where he's either refused to make changes or made promises he's broken. I was worried he'd either make the atmosphere if I told him or tell me to get out there and then, I'm which case I would have had to go to my parents and couldn't have got to my son to school.

I wouldn’t tell him until the day. And be very careful. Could you get your child to school and then tell stbx on the phone? Clear your stuff whilst he’s at work prior to telling him?

It’s a grieving process of what might have been. I found I had done all the grieving before I left and when the separation came the relief and freedom felt amazing. And understand if he’s not expecting it then his emotional reaction will be more raw as he hasn’t had the same time to process.

Be very careful OP and try to get the important bits out of the house ( important documents/ financial/ pensions / savings information etc / birth and marriage certificates) try to get these out without his knowledge if you can and start to put together a plan to smuggle your stuff out of the house. I honestly wouldn't tell him until the day you leave. Is there a window of opportunity whilst he will be out of the house?
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How do you think he'll react? Are you absolutely sure he won't hurt you?

Hello OP, be kind and gentle to yourself. Of course you are feeling sad. You married this guy hoping that you will grow old together, you loved him (and maybe still do), you have kids together. It is absolutely astonishing how entangled peoples loves become in marriage. When I was leaving my husband I could picture all those roots braking apart as I was yanking them from under me. 😔

I was also unhappy in my marriage and finally decided to break it up after more then twenty fives years. Unfortunately, it was a very bad timing. First Covid started and then series of very unfortunate, tragic things happened to us (to him) one after another. I felt however, I could not postpone it any longer and told him that i wanted to separate right in the middle of that, which was probably the hardest time in his (and our family's) life. This was most definitely the hardest thing I had done in my life. I felt guilty and sad. I kind of ached all over for a very long time. I felt it all so strongly in my whole body that I was certain I would get really sick and perhaps die. It lasted a long time and felt like it will never end, but it did. I would say that the first few weeks after he left were the worst, but gradually the pain and suffering lessened.

I started feeling better, and you will feel better too. I do suggest you try and do anything you can think of that may help. Eat better, go for walks, see friends; I started meditating, going to therapy, I even started reading a bible for the first time in my life. You need to allow yourself to feel all these emotions, to grieve, do not push them away, they are yours, but do not wallow in them. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep being true to yourself, keep doing things you enjoy, take care of yourself and your kids, keep looking forward, and in time, you will feel better. I promise. Hugs!