Husband wants to leave me and I’m devastated

[ThatCoralBiscuit]

Our marriage has not been great for a while. He prefers to sleep on the sofa and will watch porn than being with me. We have three children aged 19, 17 and 16. The middle child is seriously disabled, mute and does not do anything for herself. She is diagnosed as autistic.
if I try to initiate doing something together, he gets aggressive and shouts he wants to be left alone. He prefers to watch films on his iPad than be with me.
i found a text message to my older daughter with him telling her that I am bad at cooking and cleaning and after Christmas we will separate properly. I felt terrible that he is texting this to our daughter.
i don’t want to separate but I just want things back the way they used to be. I don’t know what I’ve done to make him hate me. I’ve been with him since I was 19, I am now 45 and worried for the future. I am crying every day as I’m surrounded by couples and happy families.
i don’t want to have a pretend Christmas knowing he is going to dump me the week after.
i don’t know what to do - I’m completely lost and friends and family are sick of me talking about it.
he will not agree to counselling. I have tried.

Honestly, why be in an unhappy marriage? There is not one positive thing you have said about your marriage and I'm surprised you've not left already, although i suspect if it weren't for the kids and your likely comfortable life you probably would have done already,

You deserve much much better than this.

Honestly I think 99% of the time when a man says 'I don't love you anymore, I want to leave'.

What they actually mean is: 'life with children is hard. I am expected to put the needs of my children ahead of my own and I don't like it. It was more fun before when it was all about my needs'

I'm sorry you are facing such a ropey Christmas but if you look at the posts from women who have been through the divorce - the resounding theme is that better times lay ahead.

First of all forget the “happy families”. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. I have seen many seemingly “happy families” where, when one lifts the curtain, might be really negatively surprised.
Second, this is an abusive relationship that offers you absolutely nothing. Luckily your kids are grown ups. You are still very young at 45, time for a restart. I was 45 when I split and feels like I got a huge burden off my shoulders.
Claim your life back and get rid of the unwanted burden. He brings you down.
Co-parent, especially the middle one has special needs so there needs to be special arrangements, and move on.

Oh this is terrible I really feel for you. Your husband sadly is a grade A arsehole. Talking to his teenage daughter about your relationship. What was she meant to do with the information that he wants to leave you, it put her in a really shitty relationship. There's so much about your post that I'm disgusted at. He doesn't like your cooking and cleaning, perhaps he should get off the sofa and pitch in . I really can't see why you'd want to stay with such a despicable human being. You can't see it now but he's doing tithe biggest favour in leaving. His behaviour to you over the years has eroded your self worth so you can't see his abuse. You've been given the heads up he's leaving on the new year so start getting your ducks in a row. Pick up the phone make an appointment to see a solicitor to discuss what steps you need to make next. Get docs together bank account statements. Id. If you don't have your own bank account open one. Start putting money aside. I've used Mumsnet when my family and friends have heard it all and I don't want to burden them so post away. Tell a good friend your splitting up you'll need the support. Best of all hold your head up high and show your kids that they don't have to put up with abuse. They can leave and they can thrive. One step at a time, I promise he won't ever change and your about to start a new chapter where your free of abuse.

Tell him to leave now. It might make your Christmas better.

Why did he text that to your daughter? Were they talking about a bad atmosphere in the house or something?

I would let him know you’ve seen it before Christmas if you can’t face putting on the show. Go into the holidays knowing what the new year will bring.

@SwishMyCape i just wanted to say thank you for post. It really spoke to me.

@ThatCoralBiscuit - I am in similar shoes to you at 43. No Happy Holidays going on here - facing a divorce in the new year. Handhold. PM me anytime.

See a solicitor and get ahead of this! Start copying bank statements and any other records you can find of financial affairs.

Oh Christ sake Mrs this sounds miserable. Start to have a cold hard look at this misery guys and raise your standards of what you want from life. You should be tossing him to the side! Start to pour all that love into yourself and I guarantee by next Christmas your life will be 100x better. What a waste of time he sounds, you deserve way better or to be happy and content on your own. Which I recommend highly!

I think I’d rather he went today tbh. He’s clearly no respect for you let alone love and what an utter twat to be texting your daughter about matters he won’t talk about with you.
Get your ducks in a row and let him go. See how he manages on his own then.

Doesn't sound like he is worth clinging onto. Do you critique his cooking ability? Does he cook at all? What's your relationship like with your elder DD? Is he texting her like this as he is closer to her?
How far back would you need to wind the clock back to when you were both happy in the relationship? If it is many years, rather than a while, that's unrealistic and you are both different people than you were back then.
You will start to feel better when you start letting go, rather than clinging on.Look at your home situation, start thinking about doing it alone and what that would look like. Get your ducks in a row as it looks like he might have been. Gather evidence of his earnings and any savings he may have stashed as its all at least half yours.
Being on your own, is less lonely than being with someone who doesn't care and won't engage, the worst time is now.
Inside you will feel turmoil, but when he decides to talk, agree with him, you are done too, so off you f**k. Make sure he leaves, and you stay put.

He sounds like an absolute piece of shit and while this is hard now, you are well rid of him. You haven’t done anything wrong to deserve being treated like this. Don’t bother with wasting headspace wondering how you can make him into a decent man, you can’t.

He prefers to sleep on the sofa and will watch porn than being with me.

And what effect is this having on your self esteem? I think you need to ask yourself why you want to stay with someone like this. It must chip away at you on a daily basis. You're better off single.

I think having a child with additional needs can put a real strain on relationships and many don’t survive. Maybe splitting is for the best as long as he agrees to split childcare.

Fuck me, you think the mother of a seriously disabled child who can do nothing for herself has a comfortable life? You lack both empathy and intelligence. Or possibly reading skills.

Comfortable life? Do you realise how difficult this woman’s life might be with a severely disabled child? And that this might me the reason she can’t split? It’s not that easy for everyone. Show some empathy.

I’m surprised you don’t seem to have any insight into your husband’s feelings or behaviors. Has he been telling you what the issues are? Have you listened? I doubt he hates you simply because of your cleaning

He will not tell me what the issues are. I have asked him. He says he wants to be alone and is sick of being told what to do. I have merely asked if we can go back to planning stuff, shopping together and finding time for us despite having a daughter who severely restricts our relationship to the extent we absolutely cannot go to a cafe, restaurant or watch TV in the house without her reacting badly.
my husband eats one meal a day and phones my eldest daughter daily. If I try to phone him, he screams at me. I don’t know what I have done wrong as I just want company. I do not have a comfortable life by any shape or means. My disabled daughter means it is very very difficult for me to live life normally. I have a full time job and means to support myself. My job comes with accommodation, so it is possible for me to live apart. The only person who knows how to look after my daughter is him though. I am frightened to be lonely in the future as nobody will take on the burden of her but I am very lonely at the moment, as I am trying to get back to something that is so clearly not there.
we have come away at the moment to a lodge holiday that we booked last year. He is here cooking gingerbread with my daughter and taking my son to the gym and doing his best to exclude me . It’s all so messed up.

What's your normal living arrangement, OP? Are you usually all in the same house or do you live away for your job? Sorry you're going through this, it sounds difficult and complicated

He an absolute arsehole. I suggest you dump him. Go and live in the accommodation provided by your work. Start building a life for yourself. Split childcare 50/50 with him and on the days you don’t have your daughter, start socialising. Go out with friends for coffee/lunch/girls night. Go on a few dates if you fancy and live a little. Don’t get into another relationship. Just enjoy your life. Get him to fuck. He is a literal wanker.

You say you want things back - but really you know it’s not happening. Being together - will carry on being grim for you.
He’s decided to go - so as hard as it seems right now, don’t mourn the past, try to sort out sensible arrangements with him for living and care for your daughter. Don’t sit back and let it all just happen to you, don’t wish for something that’s dead already. You and your kids have got a lot of living to do, it won’t be with him. And while it won’t seem like it now, soon enough you’ll be glad this weight has been taken off your shoulders. Its time to be a tough bitch

OP he sounds awful and I think you should get organised and plan for separation.

That aside, he is never going to respect you if he can treat you like shit and your response is begging for him to be like you used to be, or to go counselling, or to tell him what you’ve done wrong. He will just enjoy the spectacle of you being broken and be even more foul.

Set yourself a date after which you will drag yourself up, stand tall, be confident, be decisive, stop doing things for him, and stop tolerating his BS. There’s a better life waiting for you.

💐

Get in first and tell him you're done. Start planning for a new life.

Sit down with him and ask him to explain what your lives are going to look like if you separate. What is your daughter's future? Will she need residential care?

This.

Let him leave. Don't grovel.