I married my husband of 8years in an arranged marriage. Before getting married, I was in a long term on and off relationship with another guy. It ended rather badly because of various reasons(compatibility, dowry, general lack of respect, emotional, verbal abuse). I loved him with all my heart and had lived with him for a bit and we would talk about marriage all the time, so when I finally broke up with him, it was devastating. I felt as if pieces of me were chipped away permanently. I was an introvert, so I completely closed off. To be honest, back then my parents kept insisting on marriage as a way to forget him but I didn’t want to get married at all. When I finally agreed, it was because it felt like the only way I would NOT go back to that abusive relationship. In India, we females are also made to worry a lot about our age and how we will always be alone if we don’t marry. I made a silent promise to myself that I don’t necessarily need love. I can fill my life with other kinds of love and happiness.
Anyway, I married and moved abroad. It felt good for a time. I have a 4 year old child now and my husband is a kind, responsible man. He has given me everything a wife could ask for. He is supportive of my dreams. He is a good dad. I have also tried my best to be a good mom and a wife. But I have been failing recently. The first symptoms showed right after I had our son. I started feeling empty inside, as if someone had scooped up everything and thrown it out. I thought maybe it was post partum depression. At first, I didn’t tell my husband but I hated to be physically touched. After a while, when I could no longer take it, I told him and since then he keeps telling me that it will go away one day. He tries a lot to understand and is careful with me in bed. We don’t have sex apart from once maybe every 2-3 months and the rest of the time we are just being intimate. I don’t feel anything though even during the “intimate” part let alone the sex part. My husband was suffering through his own anxiety and depression in the past few years and we prioritised his therapy(we couldn’t both afford it), so I haven’t been to therapy. To be a mother and wife is not easy in any culture, let alone a working mother. In my case, I am from India, so I have my unique challenges that I carry alongside all of the above.
Lately, I have been feeling anger, anxiety and resentment towards my husband a lot. I feel like I am taking all of the mental and most of the physical load in the family. My husband is bad when it comes to anything romantic. It has been almost 8 years and he still doesn’t do anything romantic for me. I have never gotten flowers or gifts. I don’t blame him at all for the marriage, he is responsible there and he is a good husband. But he could never be a good lover. He never stood up for me. He never protected me. I could never fall in love with him.
My husband doesn’t know about the other guy. It was my decision. Anyone I met for a marriage proposal, they would eventually try to see if I had a ex boyfriend or not. If I said yes, they would ask me all the details and then make some excuse to blow me off. It was very painful. First experiencing a break up and then having to go over it again and again. Finally being looked at like I am damaged goods. So, when I met my husband, I just omitted that part of my life.
over the years, I thought of telling him sometimes but my husband is the same. He has often told me that it would not have worked out between us if he found out I was with someone else before.
If not for my beautiful child, sometimes i think my biggest mistake was to get married.
I don’t want to stay married anymore, my husband, he is not a bad guy. Everyone has flaws. I have many flaws too. It’s just that in my mind I have been trying to make this marriage work for too long and I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t have anyone else in my life right now, I just feel so suffocated and lonely. And it scares me so much to think that this is all that’s my life going to be.. feeling like this everyday.