Babysitting from in laws

Timeforcake9 · 18/12/2024 11:12

It would be a no from me. Trust is the most important issue for me and I’d have none. Happy to see them together but I wouldn’t be leaving them.

crystalyzeg · 18/12/2024 11:20

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 11:05

I have a child who is 14 months old.
Since he was a newborn PILs have been requesting babysitting time.
I am very reluctant to ever give them alone time with them.
DH has told me stories of his childhood and on 3 occasions his dad lost his temper and was physically violent (hands round neck, punching hole in wall)
He was also allowed to watch 15s as a young child on at least 2 occasions he remembers- he had nightmares after.
DH says he wouldn’t be like that with him and thinks when he’s older it would be fine.
To me it’s not worth the risk and actually family visits are absolutely fine.
Im struggling to get my DH to see it though!
Any tips?
If people think I am overthinking it then let me know.
Thanks

I have watch my granddaughter for the last 7 years for free full time and usually she sleeps over at the least once a week. I let my daughter know I am going to have to start changing her. What do you think is reasonable. Also she is supposed to provide the food and doesn't and I end up having to buy it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2024 11:25

I would not allow his parents to have your child overnight given what your H has told you. He may well want to think that it will be ok now but there are no guarantees. I would assume his father has not at all changed.

NolongeraboutShaun · 18/12/2024 11:36

@crystalyzeg

You need to start your own thread as people will be responding to the OP (and you have put changing rather than charging which I assume is what you meant)

Emptyandsad · 18/12/2024 11:40

You can't leave your child with anyone whose judgment you don't trust. Because they will do what they think is right, not what you think is right.

They need to earn your trust in what ever way works for you - and maybe they can't do that, it might just be impossible

LetsNCagain · 18/12/2024 11:41

Why do they even want to be alone with him so badly? Why is supervised interaction not good enough...?

I think it's odd, almost sinister, when relatives have such a strong preference for unsupervised time with kids. What do they want to do with them that they can't do while you're pottering around in the house at the same time?

LetsNCagain · 18/12/2024 11:44

Why wouldn't they prefer you to be nearby to do the nappies and stuff? Weird

crystalyzeg · 18/12/2024 11:50

Sorry

Original poster

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 11:50

LetsNCagain · 18/12/2024 11:41

Why do they even want to be alone with him so badly? Why is supervised interaction not good enough...?

I think it's odd, almost sinister, when relatives have such a strong preference for unsupervised time with kids. What do they want to do with them that they can't do while you're pottering around in the house at the same time?

This also bothers me!!
They also pushed DH to agree behind my back when I’d already kindly said no
It has really given me the “ick” which is hard to get rid of.

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Jingleberryalltheway · 18/12/2024 11:51

No way would they have any unsupervised contact. Your DH will think the way he was parented is normal because it was his norm.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 18/12/2024 11:57

Are your boundaries screwed? Your dh told you that is dad is not safe person! Why the fuck would you be okay with them babysitting your child ?

Original poster

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 12:03

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 18/12/2024 11:57

Are your boundaries screwed? Your dh told you that is dad is not safe person! Why the fuck would you be okay with them babysitting your child ?

Not my dad and not me happy about it

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MochaLove · 18/12/2024 20:02

I can really relate to your post op. My baby is 12 months and my partner expects his parents to provide some childcare when I go back to work next month. Like yours, partners dad was abusive and used to punish with the belt, and got very angry according to my partner. He sees no issue with his parents babysitting because thinks his dad wouldn’t be like that now. He may well not be, but the thought of leaving my baby with people who thought it was acceptable to parent like that really upsets me. I don’t know what the answer is really, as know me saying no will cause world war 3! I don’t really have any advice but I don’t think you’re over reacting. X

Original poster

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 20:36

MochaLove · 18/12/2024 20:02

I can really relate to your post op. My baby is 12 months and my partner expects his parents to provide some childcare when I go back to work next month. Like yours, partners dad was abusive and used to punish with the belt, and got very angry according to my partner. He sees no issue with his parents babysitting because thinks his dad wouldn’t be like that now. He may well not be, but the thought of leaving my baby with people who thought it was acceptable to parent like that really upsets me. I don’t know what the answer is really, as know me saying no will cause world war 3! I don’t really have any advice but I don’t think you’re over reacting. X

This is exactly what DH says to me!
He just says that it’s a different relationship and he doesn’t think he would do it- but how can he know that!
Luckily DH isn’t pushing it at the moment, that must be really tricky for you x

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wafflesmgee · 18/12/2024 20:39

The safety of your child comes first. Always. Imagine the worst case scenario, that you went along with it and your baby got hurt. How would you live with yourself?

SweetBobby · 18/12/2024 20:43

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 11:50

This also bothers me!!
They also pushed DH to agree behind my back when I’d already kindly said no
It has really given me the “ick” which is hard to get rid of.

Show quote history

That's horrifying.

I'd tell them clearly that it's a no. Not now and not ever.

Tell your DH if he's so desperate to please them he can go and stay there the night. Maybe if he's lucky his dad will assault him again, just like old times.

Onlyvisiting · 18/12/2024 20:48

I'd say no unsupervised visits at keast until your DC is old enough to communicate with you well. And then I see no need for overnights, maybe the odd couple if hours visit if they are keen and you don't mind. But honestly, you FIL does not sound like someone I would ever trust does your DH not realise that that was abusive?

Original poster

BeTaupeBear · 18/12/2024 20:57

Onlyvisiting · 18/12/2024 20:48

I'd say no unsupervised visits at keast until your DC is old enough to communicate with you well. And then I see no need for overnights, maybe the odd couple if hours visit if they are keen and you don't mind. But honestly, you FIL does not sound like someone I would ever trust does your DH not realise that that was abusive?

He says he knows it was wrong but is just adamant he wouldn’t do it to our child as it’s a different relationship.
But I honestly don’t see how he can be 100% sure, which is what I need to leave my entire world in someone else’s care.

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