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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I making this into a bigger issue than what it is?

8 replies

Worrywart1 · 18/12/2024 10:51

Boyfriend of 2 and a half years.
Recently there have been some white lies and ommissions by bf and I am not sure whether to be worried. I overthink and worry easily. I introduced him to a hobby of mine, reviewing restaurants and being a food critic sort of thing and he is now into this too. A few weeks ago he booked to review a seafood place whilst I was at work. I actually don't really like that food place so wasn't bothered. However, he didn't actually tell me he was doing this. We were texting all through the day and I remember texting him on my lunch break, saying I was having an early lunch etc and he replied saying he was getting some lunch too and asked what I was having. Naturally, to continue the convo I asked the same back. He ignored the question, which I thought was odd but presumed he had misread the message or just left that bit off by accident. I brought it up with him when I saw him the next day and he said he hadn't noticed. So I asked in person 'well what did you have for lunch? Was it something nice and interesting?' He said no and just moved the conversation on. He didn't know I knew he had been so was hiding it from me. He hadn't lied but was purposely ignoring my question about it and was not telling me.
Then the same thing happened this week. He had the day off work and I asked what his plans were. He told me where he was going to do some Christmas shopping etc and to pick up some click and collect stuff. He was going to review a local artisan bakery and a seafood place that day but left this out of the conversation when I asked what his plans were. He then text me when he was in the bakery to tell me he was there as there was a funny conversation he had overheard whilst sat in there he wanted to message me about. If he hadn't have heard this I don't think he would have told me at all. He knew he was planning on going there when I first asked about his plans but didn't tell me. Later on i asked what he was up to and he said not much, nothing exciting. Even though I knew that at this point he would have been at the seafood place in the next town over. It is not close and would be a bit of a drive, so not something that is easily forgettable. I asked if he was just having a quiet night at home and he said he had been to the shop to pick up an extra last minute gift but that was it. Still no mention of the restaurant visit. Again I am not bothered that he has done these things but I am bothered by the lies and the fact he doesn't tell me.
We have had a conversation in the past about what he tells me. I over share and he is very private but we have discussed this before and he knows that I am just interested in his day. I don't want to keep tabs on him or want to know his every move, I don't need a minute by minute break down of his day or when he goes to the toilet etc but he knows its important for me to hear about his day. To me those instances are not little nothings, it's the same as his other mundane life admin and jobs he's told me about like present shopping.
He said last week, he wants to move in together and improve communication and be a partnership. He actions aren't showing me this though. We have talked about the future and it seems like we're on the same page with what he says but I'm not sure.
My worry is that he is trying to get away with this so he can get away with bigger things. How do i know he went to these places on his own? I just have to trust him but that is hard when he is not being honest with me.
I fear I will sound controlling when writing this, but I don't know what there is to gain by not telling me or talking around it and not being totally honest.

OP posts:
Dontletmedown · 18/12/2024 11:36

He is not an honest and open person.
A liar isn't selective: they will lie about anything if it suits them.
I would not trust him and I think if you continue the relationship you will always be doubting what he tells you.

peachystormy · 18/12/2024 11:39

something very odd about him acting like this OP. I would be very wary if I were you

litepop · 18/12/2024 11:48

I had the exact same thing with a (now ex) bf.
Examples were he would leave mine, stop off at a shopping centre on the way home and not mention it. But he'd be texting while he was there and leading me to believe we was at home.
Once his dog had been ill and I asked if he seemed better and he said that he was looking at him and he looked like he was sad and feeling sorry for himself. Turned out he was in a supermarket at the time.

The reason it turned into a massive argument wasn't because he'd gone to the shops without telling me, it was the behaviour that made it look like he was hiding something that put me on edge.
I didn't accuse him of anything and genuinely don't believe he was cheating etc but I really couldn't see the point in the 'lie'.

His response was that he didn't realise I needed to know his every move. Followed by days of him updating me one everything he done.
My response was that I didn't need constant updates and he could go to a shop without feeling the need to mention it. To me that's completely different from deliberately hiding the fact he went.

He either really didn't understand the difference or was doing his best to make me look crazy. Either way he's an ex now (for many other reasons) but i never did get to the bottom of this.

However, in your case if it's limited to food critiquing I wonder if he's conscious of looking like he "stole" your hobby and doesn't want to look like he's copying you?

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 11:55

There is something really off about this man. Don't even think about moving in with him. If you do carry on seeing him, I wouldn't tell him anything about what you're doing. That's no way to live though so ultimately I would just get rid of him.

Bettyboo111 · 18/12/2024 12:50

Worrywart1 · 18/12/2024 10:51

Boyfriend of 2 and a half years.
Recently there have been some white lies and ommissions by bf and I am not sure whether to be worried. I overthink and worry easily. I introduced him to a hobby of mine, reviewing restaurants and being a food critic sort of thing and he is now into this too. A few weeks ago he booked to review a seafood place whilst I was at work. I actually don't really like that food place so wasn't bothered. However, he didn't actually tell me he was doing this. We were texting all through the day and I remember texting him on my lunch break, saying I was having an early lunch etc and he replied saying he was getting some lunch too and asked what I was having. Naturally, to continue the convo I asked the same back. He ignored the question, which I thought was odd but presumed he had misread the message or just left that bit off by accident. I brought it up with him when I saw him the next day and he said he hadn't noticed. So I asked in person 'well what did you have for lunch? Was it something nice and interesting?' He said no and just moved the conversation on. He didn't know I knew he had been so was hiding it from me. He hadn't lied but was purposely ignoring my question about it and was not telling me.
Then the same thing happened this week. He had the day off work and I asked what his plans were. He told me where he was going to do some Christmas shopping etc and to pick up some click and collect stuff. He was going to review a local artisan bakery and a seafood place that day but left this out of the conversation when I asked what his plans were. He then text me when he was in the bakery to tell me he was there as there was a funny conversation he had overheard whilst sat in there he wanted to message me about. If he hadn't have heard this I don't think he would have told me at all. He knew he was planning on going there when I first asked about his plans but didn't tell me. Later on i asked what he was up to and he said not much, nothing exciting. Even though I knew that at this point he would have been at the seafood place in the next town over. It is not close and would be a bit of a drive, so not something that is easily forgettable. I asked if he was just having a quiet night at home and he said he had been to the shop to pick up an extra last minute gift but that was it. Still no mention of the restaurant visit. Again I am not bothered that he has done these things but I am bothered by the lies and the fact he doesn't tell me.
We have had a conversation in the past about what he tells me. I over share and he is very private but we have discussed this before and he knows that I am just interested in his day. I don't want to keep tabs on him or want to know his every move, I don't need a minute by minute break down of his day or when he goes to the toilet etc but he knows its important for me to hear about his day. To me those instances are not little nothings, it's the same as his other mundane life admin and jobs he's told me about like present shopping.
He said last week, he wants to move in together and improve communication and be a partnership. He actions aren't showing me this though. We have talked about the future and it seems like we're on the same page with what he says but I'm not sure.
My worry is that he is trying to get away with this so he can get away with bigger things. How do i know he went to these places on his own? I just have to trust him but that is hard when he is not being honest with me.
I fear I will sound controlling when writing this, but I don't know what there is to gain by not telling me or talking around it and not being totally honest.

He's either omitting because he's dating someone else and using the seafood places as a meeting point or a ruse. In which case its a dump and your suspicions are correct.

Or you have different communication styles. I find a detailed description of every day of one's life annoying. It is all a bit suffocating. Pre mobile phones couples just said goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening. I'm quite needy and more communicative. DP is very rigid and not as open on the day-to-day chatter. We've had to adapt.

Worrywart1 · 18/12/2024 14:53

I know we do have different communication styles but we have addressed this before. He knows how I feel and what I need. We have both tried to adapt to an approach that suits us both but he clearly is still not doing this on his part. I don't mind if he forgets or something but it was preplanned and booked so not something that was a little thing in his day and even if he doesn't think to mention it, I'm texting him asking what he is doing whilst there and he still deflects. That's the issue for me, rather than him going about his life and not mentioning something as like you have pointed out it may be a non event in his eyes.

I am more wary of him now. It's hard for me as in past relationships lies have been an issue and he knows this. It is a trigger for me and my past trauma. That's also why it hurts more, he knows how I feel about that.
Thanks for the supportive advice. I kept quiet the first time. He knew something was off as I wasn't myself for a couple of days and said I felt sick. But I tried to put it behind me. Now it's happened again after a matter of weeks, I'm not sure whether to bring it up. He'll want to know how I know which I don't want to tell him. I haven't looked through his phone or anything but I feel the issue will be deflected back to that.

OP posts:
YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 18/12/2024 14:57

How do you know where he is all the time?

AtomicBlondeRose · 18/12/2024 15:06

I knew someone who would lie like the man mentioned above - like would send me a photo ostensibly from his day but sometimes he'd send the same picture more than once! It wasn't like I really even cared or checked up on where he was - just random conversation and no need to lie. He was also stupidly vague about where he worked and what he did too. Turned out he had a perfectly good job in a mundane sort of area so again no need to lie. Some people are just private to the point of being pathological.

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