Would you tell the new partner

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I am divorced from a man who was financially and emotionally abusive.
After the divorce a very old friend of his from university days approached me asking questions about how he was in the marriage. I was frank with them. Following this they told me that I wasn’t the first, he had emotionally and physically abused his ex wives (married twice before he met me). They told me that they had debated long and hard about whether to tell me about it before I married him.
My reply was that they should have told me, it may not have stopped the relationship immediately, he love bombed the hell out of me and I didn’t realise it’s a red flag, just thought he was so attentive. But in the long term it would have shortened the relationship as I would have seen the red flags sooner as the honeymoon ran out.

This old friend told me recently that they told his new partner about his past relationships. Since then my ex and his partner seem to have withdrawn from that social circle. Time will tell what she does with the information.

Im wondering what the consensus is on this, tell or leave them to it? Would you have appreciated it if you had been warned before getting too deep with a man who has an abusive history?

I doubt many would listen but I’d worry he will now isolate her. What I would do I don’t know.

She may not have told him what they said. I wouldn’t have. I have never met her and I never met any of his ex wives either (they were crazy, apparently 🙄). I know, so many red flags.

That's a tricky one. If you want to tell the new partner, you should only do it with detailed objective facts, possibly backed with evidence, rather than being vague.

The friend said that they saw the evidence of his physical abuse (he didn’t hit me) on his ex wives. One of them did confide in the friend about his behaviour.

IME telling a new partner is a pointless waste of time they never listen they think you have an axe to grind.

I told two well educated, intelligent and thoughtful women about someone I knew very well, not an ex. They both told me he would not do it to them and if he did they would fight him off. He did and they didn't.

I've had the same thoughts about my ex. He's manipulative, controlling and very clever, and I worry for his next girlfriend. I don't think she'd believe me if I warned her, and I'd just sound like a bitter ex. Possibly I'd give her my phone number and say "If you ever feel like you're losing your mind, it's not you". There were times he really made me question my own reality, and I think if his previous ex was there to tell me he was gaslighting me, it might've helped me get out sooner rather than trying to make sense of the mindfuckery he inflicted on me.

There were times he really made me question my own reality, and I think if his previous ex was there to tell me he was gaslighting me, it might've helped me get out sooner rather than trying to make sense of the mindfuckery he inflicted on me.

This is how I feel now, I do wish they told me.

Pointless. My ex was in court for abuse when he met his new lady. So if it’s not enough to knowingly be with a man who was in the end found guilty then I don’t see the point. She wanted to save him, be a better women then me. Good luck.

A friend of mine got involved with an abusive man. I didn't like him from the off, but couldn't pinpoint why, at the time. When it all came out about the abuse, and the penny dropped (thankfully it was within 2 years, although long enough), a close friend of hers then told her she'd heard rumours about him over the years!!! Honestly, I was furious with her friend, for not telling my friend right from the start. My friend successfully had the police arrest him, charged and prosecuted. Telling my friend may not have worked but it might have made her question those red flags much earlier.

Anybody who has not been in this situation always thinks they wouldn't put up with it. They'd walk away at the first hint of a problem. There's always a slightly smug perception today abused women are weak. The thing is, you don't walk away. It's far more complex than that. You think it must be you, you excuse it. It often starts very slowly, very subtly and the good times, the times when these men are charming (ok, I know it can be women as well) outweigh the negative bits and nobody is perfect, right? By the time you realise what is going on, you're so far into it that it's difficult to get out and you perhaps just want to help them with whatever problems they are having.

Whilst she might not listen to you now, if you do tell her, it might help her later. When the inevitable signs do start showing, it might help her to realise it's not her. So, yes I think I'd tell her provided it doesn't result in him being likely to get physically violent with you, or starting some kind of smear campaign against you.

I meet men through OLD so we naturally don't have any friends / acquaintances in common. I like to think I'm a good judge of character but I have become more and more untrusting over the years (that's what a decade of disappointment and painful break-ups can do to you).

I'm in the early stages of dating someone now and he seems decent. But in the back of my mind I know that if he is an abuser or even just a sub-optimal partner, I have no idea of knowing and that's quite unsettling.

Look I’ve been the woman who was warned in the beginning. I’m sorry to say, I told my partner and he assured me that it was just jealousy on her part because he’d moved on and was so happy with me. He’d ended the relationship with her, not the other way around either. I believed him.

The message she sent me was pretty vague to be honest but still a warning. I think if there was a bit more to the message rather than he was abusive such as details, I’d have listened. I didn’t know anything about Red flags at the time, I was being love bombed and he’d never said a crossed word to me, things were amazing.

I wish I’d have listened or asked for more information as she was right. It did reassure me years on that I wasn’t imagining it, but obviously it was too late.

I would say tell her, but back it up with some information really so she doesn’t overlook it.

Get on with your life op your free now.
Let the rest find out for there selfs.