Broken

[allesttaw]

I hit the perimenopause severely about 4 years ago and the last year particularly has been horrendous. Lots of physical symptoms but the worst has been absolute 1-100 in 2 seconds 'rage' and literally wanting to destroy myself and everything around me. The self loathing of hurting someone who is your world is undescribable.
Then the horror, shame, regret and guilt afterwards. My partner of five years mainly picked up the brunt of this and I thought I was losing my mind. I finished our relationship in July as I felt so low and felt he deserved better. It was terribly cruel and selfish of me to behave in this way and I know I caused him almost insufferable hurt.
Roll forward a few months when I finally started taking the right HRT and it has honestly transformed me back to the calm, happy, optimistic person I once was. The transformation has given me my body and mind back and I realise I am extremely lucky, although its been a long journey getting the HRT tailored correctly along with CBT.
I recently reached out to my ex with a full explanation (now I can look at things rationally) and profoundly apologised for the hurt that I caused and told him I love him with all my heart. He told me had recently started dating someone.
I am utterly devastated that I caused so much pain and destroyed the best thing in my life. Where do go now? x

Just a hug. You could be me a few years ago.
It was before the menopause was talked about at all. I was prescribed anti depressants & I thought I was insane.

A new Gp - hrt and I'm me again. But I hurt so many many people and lost so much.

That life is gone. You've done your best. Move on and try and find happy. Forgive yourself

Thank you Beachcitygirl x Unbelievable isn't it that menopause symptoms are so destructive!? :( I waited 20 months for an NHS appointment and knew deep down that I needed testosterone (the missing piece of the jigsaw for me personally).
It makes me very 'zen.' Having said that I have lost so much through the torture of, essentially, hormonally derived mental health issues :(

I'm so sorry that you weren't listened to and lost so much xx

Sounds like you've been through hell and I'm so sorry for how you have suffered. I found the relief when I was (finally) given HRT and it actually worked was enormous and I was able to look back from a place of relative calm to see and understand what I'd been through. And while I finally felt like 'me' again - actually I wasn't, I'd changed and had to leave some of my old self behind and start building a new version of me.

It must be absolutely devastating to feel like you ruined something good in your life - but remember it really was beyond your control. Too much water has passed under the bridge now for that relationship to ever have gone back to how it was before. Take heart in the fact you have fully apologised - he knows how you feel and hopefully can forgive you. Who knows what may happen in the future but try to make peace with what has happened so that you can move forward knowing you are back in control and can build good relationships with others going forward. ❤️

Thank you for responding x It's very strange that we can only see above and through the fog when we receive our correct hormone levels. There are, of course, many women who unfortunately don't receive the care and meds they need with disastrous results sometimes.
I had ridiculously low testosterone levels causing rage, self loathing, avoidance, shame...the list goes on.
But here we are now physiologically fixed but living in the aftermath of ruin.
Good luck to you xx

I'm 45, I think I'm at this stage and need to see a doctor. I use Alcohol to try and help and this causes all sorts of emotional trauma and my partner has reached the end of his tether with me but I'm too scared to say it might be perimenopause as that makes me feel old and broken 😞

Thanks maclen for reaching out x Do go to your doctor and see another if they are not sympathetic.
Alcohol is really not the answer and will just disturb your sleep further in perimenopause and increase anxiety.
Hope you start to feel better soon x

OP you have to forgive yourself, which I hope you have done. You didn't mean what you said/did, you were not in a good place mentally, and now you are.

I had kinda similar to you although my experience was with my lovely dad and also didn't involve me taking anything to see things clearly. Basically I was horrible due to extreme anxiety that had consumed me (at one point I threw food across the floor, and on another left my dad in tears). Seeing him get teary was shocking and left me completely numb. I couldn't believe I had upset him like that. I recall walking out of the room and staring at the ceiling. It was like a bucket of water over the face moment, as the penny dropped on how out of order I was behaving. That's over a decade ago and I have apologised profusely, but I had to stop beating myself over it too. I was extremely mentally unwell and luckily I didn't need intervention as many others would have done. My dad as I knew he would be was totally understanding (as I hope your ex is with you) as it was so out of character. What it really hit home to me was how complex the brain/body is that we can lose control of ourselves like that. Sometimes we are not the ones steering the ship which is pretty scary, but thankfully there are ways to get back at the wheel with a grip on our emotions, whether through hormone therapy, medication or just a great big wake up call.

Thank you ChessorBuckaroo xx I am so heartened you reached out and conveyed your story. Also I am so pleased that you reconciled with your dad.
I completely agree with how our bodies and minds can be so out of sync and can barely believe that we can punish people that are our whole world in a way that is unimaginable. And because, in essence, we are mentally unwell through severe hormone deficits.
I don't expect by ex to forgive me for what I have put him through. Maybe one day he will be able to but me being wrapped up in guilt isn't going to reverse the pain I caused. I wish you lots of happiness xx

I had exactly the same symptoms and told my now husband to leave many times to save himself from me, he didnt though but now he throws that back in my face every time we argue. I sometimes wish he had left when I told him to as its affected him so much.

the right HRT is absolutely amazing, I'm on everything they have to offer and I feel so much better, a new woman :)

hi tinseltitss x thank you for messaging x YES!! I think I told my now 'ex' that he deserved better than me... same as you really. You did what you felt was a real message to say at the time when you were so low and only thinking of them.
Often our best resolve is to attempt to protect others because we feel so bad.
Sending best wishes to you xx