Realising Childhood issues after parent has passed

[MNUSER123]

Hi Everyone,

My mum passed away last year and since then I have been reflecting on my childhood. It was triggered when I got to a point in life and I couldn’t recognise myself, who I was or what I wanted from life and I wanted to work out why I’m a classic over achiever who puts everyone’s needs above mine.

There were a lot of things that happened during my childhood, that at the time I thought was just a bit lazy parenting/ never being a priority but now I think that these things have conditioned me as a person and my life is a product of just going with the flow to not rock the boat.

The thing is that I’m not really sure what I can do to get closure now that mum has passed and I can’t simply ask why I was treated like this.

Some of the things were being told from a young age that if my siblings were rude or nasty I should just ignore it and they’ll get bored and stop, nothing was ever done to correct their behaviour, I was asked to adapt.

I was never taught in anyway how to take care of myself as a female, I wasn’t taught about periods but was told that I was unhygienic for leaving tampons in a bin wrapped in toilet paper, I should have taken these outside. I wasn’t taught to do my hair, or makeup or anything like that.

my mum missed major life events, she missed my high school and uni graduation, at the time I think she had felt uncomfortable to ask for the time off work, but she did make it to my siblings.

Mum never really helped with much when I moved out and would often cancel babysitting my kids in favour of my brothers.

sorry for the novel, but I’m hoping someone has advice on how to move past this now that it is too late to address.

Thanks for reading!

Tbh I don’t think any of these things are that awful. Missing your graduation really isn’t great, but as parents people are generally just trying to muddle through and do their best.

I used to hold a lot of anger towards my mother, for similar “parenting fails”, and I just had to work through it. Ultimately realising that she was just doing the best she could.

It might be worth speaking to a therapist, to come to terms with your feelings and loss.

I think the period after losing a period is a difficult one.
On the period care, there was a thread here some years back where the vast majority said their parents - some great mums, others not - never told them about periods and what to do/how to act. It came from a place of deep discomfort - the good news is that no-one was replicating this with their own daughters.
The other stuff is the type of thing that plays on your mind during grief. We are starting to process the loss and thinking about the relationship properly for the first time in years, bringing grudges and hurt to the surface. I suspect your siblings had a different view - mine say I was one parent’s favourite which I don’t think is true.
My advice is to be kind to yourself and accept the feelings for what they are - memories and feelings - but that your mum loved you.

I find it helpful to remember that times were different and our parents were often quite young themselves when making what we now consider to be mistakes. Families were larger and parenting styles more hands-off. Also all of this is determined by social attitudes, which are always evolving.

I think your mum should definitely have disciplined your brothers when they were being unkind to you, but I don’t think that teaching you to do hair and make up was an essential part of parenting? That is just personal style or taste and social attitudes towards makeup have changed a lot over the years. Today’s heavy makeup styles with false lashes etc would have been seen as very trashy when I was growing up in the nineties!

I had a similar childhood OP.

I look back and am astonished at stuff that went on.

The worst is that you have been conditioned to suck it up and for that alone, I think you would benefit from therapy.

I learned to say no by saying it immediately. I know this sounds a bit weird but if your gut is to say no, then by saying something like, "Good God, no" straight away, that is more respected somehow than if it looks like you have considered it before saying no. There is less come back on you.

The same goes for other phrases and this is literally how I started to say no to things I didn't want to do in life.

It was totally ingrained into me that I had to let my older sister have precedence over everything. This was because she was a nightmare and they could not be bothered dealing with her so she got her own way over everything.

Toxic as hell.

Are you a parent op?

I think you are right, my siblings were always “harder” than me so I took the brunt of it. I feel like I’m at the point where I really don’t have a personality because I’ve had to adapt it for so long to be “the good one”.

I absolutely know that this isn’t “abusive” behaviours but it just feels like I was unloved.

Mum would often be sensitive to any type of perceived criticism, I had one time where I had lent her a phone because hers broke and there was a message with my sister in law where I had said “We’ll be on our way soon, she’s just finishing getting ready” and mum saw it after going through my messages and wouldn’t speak to me for a week, which I then found out from my dad it was because I said “she” when I should have said mum.

Could it be possible that your mum was sexist/misogynist? There’s a tradition in most cultures in the world to expect girls to be good, work hard, suck up, cope, be seen and not heard, constantly criticised, etc, whereas boys are to be encouraged, championed, forgiven, served and empowered. Even though it’s patriarchal, it is often the mum’s who pass the tradition on most enthusiastically.

You have been the scapegoat and whipping post.

I remember if we were given dolls for example, I would get the uglier ones as they knew I wouldn't complain whereas my sister would make a day long issue of every damn thing that she didn't like or perceived to be a slight.

She's a nightmare adult now and I have been NC with her since 2006. I can't have her in my life.

I see her at funerals and she starts putting me down as soon as she gets within earshot so I am careful to stay near others that can hear it too as she does govern her tongue a bit around others.

She has no friends and cannot keep a job. I often wonder what she would have been like if she had been parented but they just let her do her own thing even though they must have seen I was being injured by it.

It's shit. Therapy. Even if it's just a chance for you to vent. You will feel better.

Thanks @EmotionalSupportCuttlefish , I think you are right.

Ive always felt like my achievements have been less valued so I have worked harder to prove myself and not be a problem. But now im in my 40’s I’ve been left exhausted and burnt out by the constant need to prove myself.

My relationship is reflective of this as well, I’ve always picked up the slack and done far more than I should. But a change is definitely coming to this.

Ive always assumed that I was the cause of any issue, its taking me a long time to not turn the blame inward

It doesn’t matter that she’s dead, OP, because talking her about it wouldn’t have brought you any kind of resolution, anyway. Id suggest therapy.

I don't understand why some people are trying to downplay your experience. As said upthread, you were clearly the scapegoat. Your brothers could do no wrong, and you were expected to go along with it all and fit in with everyone else. I can absolutely relate to your feeling of not even knowing who you really are - its an unsettling and very sad feeling

I was in therapy for a long time and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I would recommend psychodynamic therapy, which looks at how childhood and family experiences impact your life and feelings today. And generally taking good care of myself and trying to make sure I get what I need has been really helpful for healing too

I will write later on as just getting myself ready for work but I do empathise with you and your feelings are valid op

Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll have a look!

I would ignore the posters trying to minimise what you experienced, OP - I think they might be missing some of the nuance.

I'm sorry you grew up feeling unloved. Of course, it's subtler than outright abuse, but it can do a lot of damage. I agree with the poster who said it very likely wouldn't have helped to talk to your mum about it anyway. I would suggest talking to a therapist (find one you like and trust). It can help.

I think it can also help to distinguish between something that was an intentional, long-term pattern of behaviour and something where they simply made the wrong call.

With one of my parents I sometimes look back and wonder, what on earth they were thinking?! But I know that they were overall a good and loving parent. With the other parent, they engaged in negative patterns of behaviour that persisted throughout my childhood and into my adult life.

Wow. Society really isn’t ready to accept some parents are cruel and neglectful. Sounds like you’re at the start of your journey op. I saw my DParent 2 years before they died. After last incident of complete emotional assault I never saw them again. I’m glad. I never pursued any explanation from them.

Even the experts struggle to fully understand such parents although they know a spade is a spade. Your experiences you shared are terrible for a child to deal with let alone an adult and deeply wounding. That little child inside you is having some big feelings (which were always there) but you feel safer now maybe than at any other point in life.

Do you have any people in real life who are safe and supportive?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. One thing to bear in mind is that even if your mum was still alive it's quite unlikely that you would get the answers you'd most like to get. Most parents who haven't done a great job aren't able to recognise or face up to it - they will either say "oh so it's all my fault is it?" and take up the victim position, or they flat out don't accept your memories.

We might have a fantasy that our parents will accept the ways they let us down and apologise - but I'm afraid it's just a fantasy.

Sorry for your loss, OP, and the questions it's left you with. I'd definitely recommend seeing a therapist to have a good talk about it.

I think therapy might be the answer. I have close friends but I’m always too worried/embarrassed about being seen as a problem that I don’t think I could ever bring myself to discuss it with them.

Just make sure it's proper therapy like psychodynamic or psychotherapy, and not CBT.

Therapy could really help you to heal OP.
Emotional abuse IS abuse.

This. But you can find your own resolutions through therapy.

Your mother probably had an odd upbringing herself -if you can speak to anyone about it. We repeat what we think is the norm or perhaps she had a cruel parent or sibling. Not meaning to let her off the hook.
I would check out self help books though unfortunately I can’t offer any suggestions.
But I had emdr with a lovely psychologist which put some of my recurring difficult thoughts to sleep.

That’s really interesting, I know she didn’t get on well with her mother (although I loved my grandmother). I always thought they had a personality clash but I must admit I don’t know much about her upbringing.
My grandmother was always hands on with us and we would stay with her often and I don’t remember any issues. I was often told that my personality was much like my grandmothers so potentially there were a lot of factors at play.