My dad died, can't I breathe

[1dontunderstand]

I am 47. He has made no effort to contact me or my siblings for 35 years.

Relative contacted late last week to say he is dying, regular updates. He died at about 9pm tonight

I cannot stop crying, on the verge of a panic attack.

I’m so sorry you are grieving. Take a moment to breathe. Is there anyone who can support you in real life?

I am sorry for your loss.

You can breathe. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Take it one breath at a time. You’ve got this, and you will get through this.

One breath at a time.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I'm so very sorry, OP. Could you ring the Samaritans if you don't have anyone nearby in real life who can sit with you? Sending hugs.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sorry you didn't have the father you deserved and that he didn't ever make that up to you and now he can't. That will be a lot to get past. Time will help you in the end but day by day for now.

I am so lucky that I have a sister and best friend that are supporting me.

Every time I think or try to think of it I have a melt
Down

You’re mourning the loss of what he could have and should have been. I know exactly how you feel as the same situation has happened to me. I mourned the loss of a chance for him to step up. None of this is your fault, remember that.

It is the loss of what could have been. Thank you all for reaching out

One breath at a time doesn't help when you can't breathe

I meant that in the possible way

So sorry for your loss. You’re likely grieving the idea of him, as well as the lack of that ideal version of him in your life. I’m sorry that you haven’t had a kind dad with you all of this time. Try not to take it on board all at once. They say it can be harder grief when the relationship was complicated. Go easy on yourself.

Aaaw it's shock. It is so very hard when you have had a difficult relationship with a parent (I had this with my mum but not as bad as your case by the sounds of it). I still grieved the relationship we never had and hoped would get, It is 14 yrs now and it getss easier.. Please remember it was not you that caused the no contact. He was the parent after all. Deep breaths counting, perhaps look online for guided breathing. If you are panicking worth speaking to a medical.professional. Can you speak to any of your siblings may be best to share feelings. Sending you some calm , you will be OK. Sorry for your loss.

The damage caused by feckless parents abandoning their children is dreadful. I'm so sorry OP.

I so sorry OP. I understand why you are upset. His death must be bringing up so many emotions.
I'm glad you have your sister and friend to support you.

I'm so sorry. 💐💐💐

It's so frightening and frustrating. I'm sorry for the pain he caused you as a little girl through today. It's difficult to think about what might have been.

Just hang in there. Every day will be a little bit less painful.

@1dontunderstand
I am dealing with a similar situation although it’s affecting me in a different way. Hard to describe but I’m both furious and in shock.the night it happened (3 nights ago) I lay awake for hours, realised at times I was crying but not consciously. Please feel free to pm if it might help no pressure either way x

@Radionowhere that is such an insightful comment really found it helpful.

My DH died a week ago, very suddenly. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m allowing myself to cry and to take one day at a time. I’m told it gets easier.

My dad died under similar circumstances. I had the opposite reaction. Convinced myself I felt nothing, went in to autopilot.

I now recognise I was angry at him. He was not a father to me, did nothing for me except cause people in my life pain. I was angry at him for that and for what could have been. It didn’t need to be like that. He could have been in my life. Sadly he didn’t care enough - I’m sure he would say otherwise and plenty of people told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to be in my life. His actions didn’t fit in with this narrative. And I felt angry about that.

It's really, really sad @1dontunderstand. It’s ok to grieve, to feel a sense of loss. Just do what you have to do for now.

But please know - none of this is your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about and you should not feel any responsibility for his actions and the choices that he made.

Sending love to you through my post.

This will pass.

Itay not feel like it right now, but tomorrow will be easier than today, and the day after that easier again. And then the day after that might be harder, but overall you will learn to cope, you'll incorporate the grief into yourself, and learn to live with this new facet of yourself.

Right now, you feel like you can't breathe. But you will keep breathing.