Abusive husband

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I've been married for 25 years - together 30.
I've met someone in last two who I feel there is a huge connection with. He feels the same .
No sex but we messaged over the last couple of months . / I'm fully aware that it is an affair and we have tried very hard not to get involved with each other but it's very hard and we have tried to walk away .
I have no idea if he is my happy ever after - I don't look at it like that - neither does he - we just know we need to talk to each other.

I've chosen to ignore and 'get on' with so many things about my husband.
I'm not perfect - I have mental Health problems . But I have been feeling lost in our marriage since my 50th birthday and I started taking HRT . I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep . The other man has just helped to 'rouse' me .

Over last 20 odd years husband has :

Overspends and gets us into huge debt
Had to remortgage over £50k to pay off debt
Spent whatever he wants and never gives me money
Childcare, costs , clothing etc all my responsibility
I Had two miscarriages and never comforted me or supported me
When I did get pregnant with baby he decided to work a way for whole pregnancy - from 8 weeks pregnant
Made it clear only wanted 1 child after saying didn’t know he wanted any at all.
Household chores , life admin , bill paying my responsibility
Lent female friend money and lied to me
Had afffair when his brother died - my mother was ill and I didn’t support him enough and so blamed myself .
Affair lead to him being obsessed with her and she put in a work complaint about him. He had to resign so they didn’t sack him
In last 2 years has had 6 jobs because of his aggression
Started working in London though I didn’t really want him too
Is work obsessed and puts more value in work than us. Lost job last year and had nervous breakdown.
Speaks down to me
Has always flirted with other woman to point a woman wanted to have an affair with him

I should know what abuse is ! I work in this field but in this abuse to me? Or is it just what happens in life .

Yes your husband sounds abusive. He sounds financially and emotionally abusive.

I'm wondering why you put up with it . He doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't financially contribute, doesn't comfort you, got you into huge debt, had an affair, and is going from job to job making you financially insecure.

It rings alarm bells that you want to immediately get involved with someone else. You should leave your husband because he's so disrespectful and treats you like crap. You shouldn't leave him because you've met someone else.

I'd be concerned that without doing the necessary work on your assertiveness and self esteem, you would find yourself in a similar relationship.

I would get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation and get some support. Also do the Freedom Programme so you can learn about healthy relationships. I would also do counselling to process this and work on your self esteem.

Yes.
How the hell do I ever leave
I have no money (I do have a good job)
My son is 16- I don't want him to hate me
If I left I my husband would fall to pieces .
He drinks too much already and I fear that he may even be suicidal
My only thoughts on this is to play the long game . Save money and wait for my son to older

He is an alcoholic and asks for sex acts to that I don’t want but give into

Everyone of our friends think we are the most amazing couple and we are so in love

I do love him

You leave a step at a time.

Gather all financial information and see a family law solicitor. There's also lots of info on wikivorce.

After the consultation, you'll have a better idea of where you stand financially and what you can afford.

Then discuss it with your husband.

If he threatens suicide, then call an ambulance.

Gingerbread has a good helpline regarding co parenting, finances and other essential information.

You can try BACP for a therapist if you think that would be helpful.

ETA I've only just seen the added post. Don't do anything sexually you don't want to do. I would contact a domestic abuse organisation for further support.

We are nowhere near leaving spouses for each other
We have actually waited 2 years to even be at this stage and he has waited even longer than that
I have no idea if he would leave his wife and I know that leaving my husband for him would be a bad idea
Other man is very lovely - he is terrified of the way he feels - as Am I
No one is rushing anything
He is in a complicated marriage that he needs to sort out to
I think I need counselling

The sad thing is I always thought he was my hero . I have an abusive family

I'd have left your dh for the affair alone. Yes he's abusive. You don't need to answer to anyone, people always think everyone will be so shocked etc when they divorce but the truth is that it's very common and people don't really think about it for longer than 5 mins! Your ds is old enough to understand and I'm sure he's seen the problems in the marriage even if you think he hasn't.

Why don't you have any money if you have a really good job?

We have some savings but our finances are such now that we have to combine them so that I can deal with them

He takes no responsibility for money at all / if he has £50 he would spend £500

I have no personal savings and leaving a husband and finding somewhere else to live costs money

So get to saving.
You know you're in an unhappy and even abusive marriage.
You know you're better off leaving.
If you're not ready to leave now, then get ready. Start taking the steps. Talking about how you're not ready isn't going to change anything. Actively putting money aside each month will. Setting a deadline for yourself will. Decide how much money you need. Decide how to gather it. And then work towards it.

Yes you are right
I've tried going on some DA sites today but none of them have what I want in terms of the freedom programme
I don't think I could talk to anyone
I should have a bonus from work next year so that may be the target
Plus what else I can save
I need help

You're making excuses. You will have control over your own money if you leave, rather than your husband continually getting into debt and spending the money you earn as well as his.

If you read above I am trying to make a plan .
I'm glad you think it's easy to just leave someone

Just said that I think we should work on things and that we should see a councillor
He has gone off on one
So maybe splitting up sooner

What's laugh .told me I have no burden and that I shouldn't compare myself . I should be grateful
No help needed because I have done is make him feel shit
He deserves all he gets

Your son will get over it but not if it’s for another man.

He would fall to pieces - not your problem

suicidal - big assumption. He seems to have done ok so far and again not your problem.

How old would your son need to be? There is never a good time.

if you have a good job then you can do it.

I often read on here that you must never have counselling with an abusive man. You need to leave as quietly as possible, if he finds out he will ramp up the abuse.

I've just agreed with him because there is no point
I have no intention of leaving him for another man . If I leave I leave for me
The other man has his own problems which are not mine

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Saving money is good but that takes time and gives him
more opportunities to abuse you and in turn your son. Knowledge here is power so seek advice to leave safely from Womens Aid. I would also make an appointment with a solicitor asap to discuss all aspects of separation and divorce.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and joint counselling with your abuser is never recommended. Abuse is about power and control and your H wants absolute over you here.

The abuse that happened to you is not your fault. Your own abusive childhood set you up into having an abusive marriage. Noone ever bothered with you or to show you what a mutually respectful marriage is like and this certainly is not. I would also assume you are mixing up love with being codependent in this relationship.

You are not safe enough to undergo such sessions with him. He would also likely manipulate the counsellor into taking his side.

I feel for your child in all this because he knows what is going on even if he is not in the same room. He picks up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and his dad, you have a choice re this man and your child does not.

Your son does not hate you but likely wonders why you are still with his drunken and abusive father. He won’t hate you for leaving his dad, he will thank you for doing so. Be the parent that neither your own mum and dad are and actively plan you exit from this abusive marriage. Your son will also thank you for doing that.

I will think it all through.
I don't know what I am going to do.
I need to be in the right place to make decisions and for me that mess. financially I have to be self sufficient
I have nowhere to go - no family, and I'm not putting myself on friends temporary or otherwise
I'm not going into a shelter either