what happened to the thread about DH wanting divorce after difficult first birth/ DW pregnant again?

[postingforawhilenow]

seems to have disappeared...

anyone?

You mean this one?
Nothing about difficult birth, though.

Perhaps the OP asked for it to be deleted.

nope, not that one DaddyJ. Yes, I can only imagine a delete was requested. Shame as there were some really good posts it it (and I spent ages doing one for it!!!)

It was very interesting and very eloquent too...scared the crap out of me though (first baby due in August).

Hmmm. I seem to recall the OP getting rather more negative comments than she had anticipated so maybe she asked for it to be taken down.

thanks Cyteen.

Don't mean to fall into cliché (which clearly means I am going to!!) but it really is all worth the effort. Like I said yesterday, my respect for women has never been higher since I saw my DW give birth and I couldn't imagine going through it myself (we men don't do pain!) but the main thing is that I reckon 99.9% of the time the care receive at hospital (in spite of a lot of the scaremongering) is brilliant and the joy of being a mum and a parent really does make it all worth while...

Just enjoy these last 3 months of your pregnancy and don't "waste" time worrying about the birth. These really will be the last months before your life changes in ways that you may be rationalising now but which you simply cannot possibly imagine until it happens.

Enjoy your partner, outings, sleep... everything which you will be missing from August onwards

good luck

yeah, definitely worth the effort

very wise words from posting, I'm only 6 weeks in and it's been totally overwhelming in previously unimaginable ways.

I didn't have the birth I'd hoped for (but you very likely will, so don't get too worried, just find out as much as you can in advance) and I'm still recovering but I'm very happy and have no regrets.

the woman in question was pretty unusual in being so traumatised by her experience. I really hope she's able to get the help and support she needs to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy.

thanks very much skidoodle.

Congratulations on the new arrival. Isn't it funny how no matter how much we read, rationalise and intellectualise what is about to happen, until it actually does, we have no idea how it is really going to unfold and how we are going to feel.

When I look back and think about the things I was worrying about, I can't believe how silly I was being. And then I realise the things I had completely overlooked/underestimated and realise how naive I was being!!

I guess that's the way it has to be, because if we really knew what awaits us in those tough early months, we may never have kids and then the human race would die out!!!

"Enjoy your partner, outings, sleep... everything which you will be missing from August onwards" makes it sound like life as you know it ends!!!! These things will certainly NOT be missing from August onwards!!!

Just to point out, life changes yes, but all the good doesn't just drain out of it! Partner will still be there, outings will still happen and you may have a few weeks/months of broken/lack of sleep but that all settles too (not to denigrate the experience of sleep deprivation - I've been there too - but its important to remember its NOT forever). The wonder of becoming a parent makes everything so so so worthwhile and once the challenging first few weeks are out of the way it is WONDERFUL

It does annoy me when people harp on about how much things change to expectant mums, yes they do change but surely we should be supporting them and encouraging their excitement not filling them with trepidation...

very judgmental Pheebe.

Perhaps you didn't see my post in the original thread (the one which both Skidoodle and Cyteen compliment here)? If you had, you would not accuse me of not supporting expectant mums...

and you really cannot view this as supportive??

"Don't mean to fall into cliché (which clearly means I am going to!!) but it really is all worth the effort. Like I said yesterday, my respect for women has never been higher since I saw my DW give birth and I couldn't imagine going through it myself (we men don't do pain!) but the main thing is that I reckon 99.9% of the time the care receive at hospital (in spite of a lot of the scaremongering) is brilliant and the joy of being a mum and a parent really does make it all worth while..."

You're jumping to conclusions Posting, I didn't 'judge' you or 'accuse' you of not supporting expectant mums. In fact I didn't comment on you personally AT ALL, only on the statement you made and posted in a public forum. I simply expressed my opinion that its unhelpful in the extreme to harp on about how 'partners, outings, and sleep' disappear on the birth of a child'. They don't and it IS unhelpful in the extreme to say to expectant mothers that they do...IMO!

They do for some people, in the short term at least. I don't know anyone who comes home from the hospital, packs a bag and takes off for a long weekend in the Lake District! It's a HUGE change and, ime, it does 'ground' you for a bit. AND you don't get your full 8 hours sleep for yonks! Things get back to normal, but I don't think Posting was saying that you NEVER go out or have a full nights sleep ever ever again in your life. To me, it seemed more about the time immediately after the birth, not 10 yrs down the line! iyswim.

But I might be totally wrong.

You're quite right hecate for some people they do and they did for me too certainly after ds1 arrived. But I do think part of that was due to the unhelfpul comments on here and in rl just like the comment from posting that created an expectation about how awful life would be. Its the kind of comments that 'all this will be missing' that I objected to, they create an expectation that life as you know it ends. Yes things will be different and 'outings' take more logisital arrangement etc. DS2 arrived last november and frankly things couldn't be more different. We have been 'out' more in the last 6 months than in the whole first year of ds1s life, ds2 is far more relaxed content and happy (partly his personalty of course) but so are we because we know now that life doesn't END it just changes and requires more preparation.

I agree that life doesn't end - in fact, for me, it feels like life began when I had the kids. It's like my existence before my family was grey and - just not real, certainly meaningless. I certainly didn't ever feel anything was 'missing' from my life as a result of having children. Far from it.

But I still interpret Posting as talking not about life ending as in having kids is a terrible thing that wrecks your whole existence, but as him talking about life changes and practicalities and priorities. I think, anyway. I might be wrong.

Life isn't awful after kids at all. But it is tiring! You do need to get up in the night, you do worry more and the days of waking up, turning round and saying "Get in the car, let's go somewhere for the weekend" getting dressed and being out the house in 10 minutes (can you tell I used to do that? ) are gone for most people. (not all, I bet)

But that's no loss, imo. Just a change. You adjust and life carries on. I think it's good to prepare people for the realities, because life does change. It doesn't end but it does change. I think we're all agreeing on that, really.

Well you might not interpret it that way but the statement was:

"Enjoy your partner, outings, sleep... everything which you will be missing from August onwards"

Doesn't say, it changes or these things go for a bit or that they're more difficult, it says they will be missing from August onwards

I'm not and haven't disagreed with anything else you've said. My original post was to raise an objection to unhelpful statements such as postings that are bandied about quite often on mn and in rl. That was all

Hmmm, I don't really think that kind of statement is unhelpful, maybe pointless but certainly kindly meant.

Lots of people told me before DD arrived to relish those kinds of things. Of course, I didn't because I was so used to the way my life was and I couldn't really imagine how it would be.

I also don't think that saying you will miss certain things once you have a baby in any way implies that there won't be other things to make up for it.

As I said above, my DD is 6 weeks old. I'm just getting to the stage where outings and things are starting to be possible for me again (I'm sure it is different for everyone) but I am just not arsed at the moment. My DD, DH and I have our own weird little rhythm going and for now I'm happy with my totally different and really quite limited life.

And also, I'm not sure my life ever will go "back to normal" and certainly it does feel to me as though life as I knew it did end and this is a new phase with different rewards and way more responsibility.

thanks posting - maybe a week after DD was born I was talking to my Dad about this and he was saying how nothing he could have said to me could really have prepared me for how it would be. He said having more children would be a change, but not as big as the one between not being a parent and being a parent.

I found it really terrifying at first but actually it was coming to terms with the fact that things would never go back to how they were before and that THIS is the new normal that made be gradually feel more at ease with the whole thing.

i really like the way you put it, Skidoodle.

Like you say, some things will have to go but then other things come it their place.

I have a friend who refuses to settle down because he says he is worried he has not lived enough. I say to him that I don't regret what I didn't do before becoming a dad because now I have a whole new life to lead (and a new life to watch too!). I guess what I am trying to say is that when I became a dad, all the things I thought I should have done became an irrelevance. It's like a whole new start.

Weird little rhythm is very aposite. It's certainly weird compared to how it was before. And is certainly weird to anyone who doesn't have (or hasn't had) a baby.

I see your point pheebe but i think you may have misread me slightly. The original post was about a difficult childbirth experience and Cyteen was referring to this when she said it scared the crap out of her. That's why I chose to suggest she focuses on the wonderful time that is being pregnant, instead of worrying too much yet about the birth itself. That's where I was coming from on that comment. And whatever one's experience after birth is, there is no doubt that things do change and it is nice to enjoy being with your partner, doing things together etc before the baby comes. NOT because they cannot happen after a baby comes, just that the circumstances will be slightly different and a bit more planning will have to be used in order to do similar things to before.

well if you didn't intend to say

"Enjoy your partner, outings, sleep... everything which you will be missing from August onwards"

then perhaps you should have read your post through before posting it. It isn't for the reader to interpret or read between the lines on a public forum such as this. Mine was a genuine response to something I have both personal experience of and feel strongly about

darn...here's the rest of that post...

If I did misunderstand your point, my apologies but I am glad you've acknowledged you can see my point based on your post, thanks.

in truth Pheebe, I think we are both saying much the same thing, or at least both coming from a positive standpoint. I certainly don't disagree with your experience of the early days and I suspect you don't disagree with mine. Like I said, I was mainly reassuring Cyteen. Glad we cleared it up.