Is this emotional abuse?

[LaceyLou42]

Me again. Been with DH 15 years. Have one child. Here’s what’s been happening:

Past 2.5 years have been very tough. I’ve felt unsettled, like I don’t know where I stand, like I don’t know which version of DH is the real one. He’s always kind of dropped the odd nasty comment since the beginning but it was quite rare. Since June 2022 it’s been occurring more frequently.. infact I’d say this year weekly. Particularly weekends when we are together so I have hated weekends and preferred being at work!!

He will start having what I call a meltdown over seemingly nothing. I never argue back or do anything to try and upset him. He’ll start saying he’s sick of his life, I’m a burden, telling me to go away and never come back, I’m a misery, I’m lazy, I’ve got nothing going for me, he doesn’t want to live with me anymore, he wants to be on his own. Things like that, then the next day he’s saying the opposite!

Things have come to a head recently because I have nearly cheated as I’ve been so unhappy so I thought to myself the next time he starts I’ll leave him. So it happened again last week and I said I want to split up but since I’ve told him that he said it’s been a reality check for him and he’s going to stop. He went on to explain the reason he does it is because he wants a reaction. He hasn’t felt wanted and does it to get my attention. Obviously it’s not working and is having the opposite effect now. When it first started happening I blamed myself and tried to change to become “better”. But as times gone on I’ve realised it’s him with the issues not me.

Now I don’t know what to do. He’s been in tears all week and I would be throwing so much away. He said he understands now why I’ve not been giving him the attention he craves so he thinks it’s repairable.

I feel like I don’t love him like I used to. And now I’m finding other men attractive.

Do I give him the opportunity to change?

Just split up, this is not a healthy relationship, and nor is it ok for your child to be exposed to this.

Not healthy

Plus you have clearly grown apart and are ready for a new better life and relationship

This not how you want to live for the rest of your life is it so time to move on

I don't understand why you haven't stood up for yourself. This could have been nipped in the bud years ago.

Of course it's him with the problem. He's a bully.

I can understand why you've gone off him as he's been belittling you for years. However OP it's your responsibility to teach people how to treat you and you've been putting up with this disrespect.

If you really want the relationship to work tell him to cut it out. If he doesn't then move on.

I’ve told him when it’s happened this year im not happy and he can’t talk to me like that and I feel unsettled and like it’s messing me up. He’s only understanding it now though

He's crying for himself.
This is a toxic environment for your child.
Leave this awful man but do not rush into another relationship.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build boundaries to protect yourself from awful men and spot red flags.

He’s abusive. It’s not ok to abuse someone because you enjoy the reaction. He sounds like a narcissist, they feed on people’s emotions and will create baseless arguments to get a hit

I’m a burden, telling me to go away and never come back, I’m a misery, I’m lazy, I’ve got nothing going for me, he doesn’t want to live with me anymore, he wants to be on his own.
This is what he really feels. He's crying because it means he's going to have less money and will have to do more, ie cook his own food, wash his own clothes. He's NOT crying because of you, but what you represent (servant). Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality you have been hiding yourself from.

He might change, but that will only be for a few weeks and then he will slip back into the real him. The one who doesn't like you but likes what you do for him.

It's time OP. Find what little self respect he has left you and start planning a lovely and bright future for yourself. You deserve better. Do you really want another twenty years of what you've already had?

Yes it is emotional abuse. Make plans to end the relationship.

Have a read of this book.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

His tears are crocodile tears. He will never change. He will only get worse with time, (as you’ve already experienced). That book will make things much clearer for you and help you understand that there is nothing you could do, be or say to stop him being abusive. It’s a choice he’s making every time he does it to control you and get what he wants from you.

There’s a better life for you than this. Don’t cheat. End the relationship and then as someone else said, do the freedom programme before entering into any other kind of relationship.

But he's not just understanding it now.
There is nothing difficult to understand about: "hey, those comments are making me feel horrible, please stop doing that".
He has always understood. And he's always chosen to keep behaving this way, knowing very well how it's making you feel.

And now he wants to change. Do you know why? Because now he's at risk losing something. He could lose his family, his wife, his comfortable life.
Back when you were hurting and he wasn't losing anything, he didn't care how it made you feel.
He's not going to change or stop because of your happiness. He's only doing it to preserve his own.

Just leave and live your life properly