Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what's going on

35 replies

Lucy Long Socks · 17/12/2024 01:48

Im so confused.
Recently my husband said he was out with the men. But I came to learn another woman had been there. I was confused as he specifically said just men. BTW this woman has joined the men lots of times before. I know her and its fine. So I ask him calmly why he specifically said men only. I said I was confused. He absolutely flew off the handle!. Shouting and swearing. Accused me of being controlling, jealous and having a trust issues. Then started saying maybe I was cheating because I have accused him. (I never said he was cheating) he went on saying many hurtful accusatory things to me. Im left in shock as to what he thinks about me.
Turns out in the end, it was crossed wires and he didn't on purpose mean she wasn't going and I 100% believe him. But I cant get over the accusations towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 17/12/2024 18:36

Octopies · 17/12/2024 06:18

I'd be wondering if he has a crush on this woman even if he's not actually cheated. If you both know her and it's completely platonic, there's no reason for him to be cagey and aggressive about her being there. It sounds like he's deliberately starting a row so you don't want to ask too many questions about who he's out with in the future.

I wonder if maybe he does now too. It's one thought that has crossed my mind. He has not reacted well to other things I've said in the past. In his mind, a perceived criticism will set him off. Not as bad as this though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 17/12/2024 18:43

SpryCat · 17/12/2024 09:05

He has anger issues and it was only because you had a panic attack that he ended the argument. He intimidated you and turned your question onto you having trust issues. He was gaslighting you so you never dare question him again.
Had he mentioned after a night out that one of his mates had brought along his wife/gf, you might of said to him “ you never mentioned Carol was going” and because it was no big deal he would of said “I didn’t know she’d be there” or “I must of forgot to mention it.” He might of said “ I knew she was going but I knew had I told you that you might’ve wanted to go and I just wanted to go on my own.” It wouldn’t have turned into him swearing and shouting at you.
The red flag is his reaction!
Has there been a death in the family?
Money problems?
What has changed in the last year or two that instead of being calm when you argue he blows up?
Does it coincide with the woman going out with them on nights out?

Edited

I agree. The reaction is the problem.
So yes, problems have happened to us the last couple of years. He was diagnosed with a couple of lifelong conditions. (Nothing deadly. But really not nice) A close family member who seems to be through it now, had tried to take their life several times. Also coincides with the woman too though, so hard to tell

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 18/12/2024 23:25

Seaoftroubles · 17/12/2024 09:11

This is not a normal row if he's usually a calm person. His accusations came from nowhere, so a massive over reaction which could well be deflection due to a guilty conscience. You are rushing to defend him when pps have pointed out that this should be setting off alarm bells for you. It doesn't look good OP and you'd be wise to acknowledge that something has triggered this. You had a a panic attack due to his verbally aggressive behaviour, and that's not acceptable.

I wouldn't say im defending him. I just don't think he's cheating. And I have got alarm bells. That's why I'm here.
You're right. Its not acceptable and it will not happen again

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 18/12/2024 23:31

Bookworm20 · 17/12/2024 11:15

That is definitely an OTT reaction to a simple misunderstanding.
No wonder you are wondering whats going on.
It doesn't mean he is cheating of course, but if you'd never accused him of antyhing like that, its a bit odd that that is where his brain jumped to.
And then to accuse you of cheating on your girls nights out. Thats just odd.
Could it be that he has perhaps participated in a bit of flirting and so thats where his brain is going?
This woman that 90% of the time joins their nights out, is she a partner of one of the other men, or a friend etc?

I think i'd be on high alert after the conclusion that jumped into his head. There may be some flirting going on with her? Theres definitely something amiss.
Because a normal reaction would be something like, 'oh yeah, claire was there aswell, sorry I forgot to mention her because shes just normally there and like one of the lads'. Not, 'don't accuse me of cheating, are you cheating?, you're controlling, have trust issues etc etc'.

Sounds a bit like he is ensuring you never ask him again to be honest.

He may have flirted. I don't know. He's really not the flirty type though.

Yeah, she's a friend of one of the other men.
His reaction is what got me here and he has had outbursts in the past (never this bad). He has a real chip on his shoulder if he feels someone is telling him he's wrong. He hates it.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 18/12/2024 23:40

Lucy Long Socks · 17/12/2024 07:45

No. Shouting is not a deal breaker. The things he said, I'm assuming as he said, he got mad because he thought I didn't trust him. He said I made him angry that he has to list every single person who is going out. He said that's controlling behaviour. He shouldn't have to do that.
I stay because it's normal to argue. If the whole country got divorced after an argument, there'd be nobody left married. We dont argue a lot. We normally get on great.
No the kids have never seen us argue because we rarely do.

Show quote history

Sorry this has happened. Arguments are all normal parts of relationships and it’s hilarious the amount of advice is to tell you to leave!! I’d park it and maybe try and have a nice Xmas and broach your concerns after your family have been and gone. His over reaction definitely needs more discussion as the recent swearing and shouting is covering up some resentment x ?

Seaoftroubles · 18/12/2024 23:44

OP, l'm glad you say you won't let such an unacceptable verbal outburst happen again butwhat measures can you take to prevent it? If he's reacted badly in then past when corrected or pulled up because of aggressive outbursts then it may well prove difficult. Could you suggest anger management to him?

Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 19/12/2024 00:30

SunflowerTed · 18/12/2024 23:40

Sorry this has happened. Arguments are all normal parts of relationships and it’s hilarious the amount of advice is to tell you to leave!! I’d park it and maybe try and have a nice Xmas and broach your concerns after your family have been and gone. His over reaction definitely needs more discussion as the recent swearing and shouting is covering up some resentment x ?

Show quote history

I know. Its crazy.

This is exactly what I intend to do. I think you are right. It needs investigation.
I had a marraige counciling session yesterday and he is having 1 after Christmas. Then we will have 1 together and see where we are.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 19/12/2024 00:40

Seaoftroubles · 18/12/2024 23:44

OP, l'm glad you say you won't let such an unacceptable verbal outburst happen again butwhat measures can you take to prevent it? If he's reacted badly in then past when corrected or pulled up because of aggressive outbursts then it may well prove difficult. Could you suggest anger management to him?

I suppose i will have to work it out situation dependent. But it will never. I am never going feel like that again because of him. When I feel its the right time, I will explain how his words have damaged me, and our relationship. I will stress it cannot happen again.

I am unsure about anger management as he's only shouted at me 3 times in our whole marraige (25 years). The other times he just gets arsy then grumps about all day.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 19/12/2024 20:50

OP, even so from what you say he doesn't react well to anyone opposing him. I think marriage counselling is a good idea and might help him regarding communication and managing conflict. Some individual counselling might be a good idea too.

Original poster
Lucy Long Socks · 20/12/2024 00:26

Seaoftroubles · 19/12/2024 20:50

OP, even so from what you say he doesn't react well to anyone opposing him. I think marriage counselling is a good idea and might help him regarding communication and managing conflict. Some individual counselling might be a good idea too.

Yes. I do too. I've already had my session. His is after Christmas. Then we will go together.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page