How to find the strength to leave

[CatAdvice101]

Just to say firstly that I am a long time lurker but have never posted about my relationship before. I've benefitted from reading a lot of good advice on here and was hoping to get some advice specific to my situation.

I've been with my DH for over 20 years. For 19 of those years he was emotionally abusive and controlling. He completely shattered my self esteem and made me feel worthless, but 2 years ago, I found the strength to leave him after spending a lot of time on Mumsnet and understanding what a healthy relationship should look like. There was an incident where I reached breaking point and I just couldn't take it any more. I sought counselling, and decided to go back to him after a few months apart, but if I'm honest with myself, I did it for him and not for me.

He promised that he would change, and for all intents and purposes he has changed his behaviour towards me and treats me with the kind of care and respect that he has never shown for me before. However, I've come to realise that I don't think I can ever truly forget what he has done in the past. And I feel terrible about this, given that he has done his very best to change.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to find the strength to leave when he's now treating me the way that I've always wanted him to treat me? I feel like a terrible person for wanting to tear his life apart when he's worked hard to change

You left once, you can do it again.

He's treated you like shit for nearly 20 years, do not under any circumstances trust that he's suddenly changed (especially with no therapy or understanding of why he acts the way he does). He's in his calm phase and once this new honeymoon period is up he'll start up again.

Do you think he felt like a terrible person when he was emotionally abusing and controlling you? Do you think he gave much thought to how he was tearing your life apart when he made you feel debased and worthless?

Has he expressed that he really understands what he did to you for all those years? Does he recognise why he did it and what needs of his own his behaviour was meeting? Or is he paying lip service and going through the motions so as to save something valuable that he wants to retain?

There is a lot of emphasis in your post about his feelings. Ultimately however it is your feelings about your life and choices that matters most. You have been on a long and arduous journey to reach this point and it is totally valid to decide that your horizons have shifted and your needs have altered.

You cannot live your life in the service of someone else's needs. It would be denying a fundamental part of yourself to settle for being with him when you no longer want to be. That would be corrosive to your happiness and self-respect in the longer term and you deserve better.

He may have sincerely and thoroughly changed; if so, good for him. You have done him an invaluable service thus far by investing your time and your love and supporting him to grow emotionally. He is now free to use that personal growth to move on into the next phase of his life, as are you.

I hope you thrive!

Thank you so much for your kind words and insight, it's great advice and I'm going to keep reading it to stay strong.