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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To be having a wobble about leaving (don’t find him attractive & emotional abuse)

13 replies

LaceyLou42 · 16/12/2024 21:39

Emotional abuse for the last 2.5 years has lead me to almost cheating. I was ready to leave this time last week. He reckons it’s been the wake up call he’s needed and he can turn it around and tonight for the first time in ages I felt relaxed around him and we have actually had a nice evening. Which is now making me question everything all over again. I’ll be throwing a lot away… financial security… family life… possibility of giving my child a sibling… 15 year long relationship. But the other problem I’ve had is I don’t find him attractive anymore. If he changes we could be okay but then that doesn’t stop the fact I don’t fancy him and I feel like I’m missing out (I’m early 30s)

OP posts:
FuriousPoodle · 16/12/2024 21:45

Don’t stay with an abuser.

Mumlaplomb · 16/12/2024 21:50

An emotional abuser doesn’t just change overnight. You know this really and that is most likely why he is no longer attractive to you

justforthisnow · 16/12/2024 21:53

He's got an inkling you're thinking of going so he's laying it on thick, you'll get reeled back in and the whole shit show will start again. But worse.

Mum2jenny · 16/12/2024 21:55

I’d just leave and find separate accommodation, you can still be friends if you want. But you will be totally independent.

TipsyJoker · 16/12/2024 22:04

He’s abusive. He won’t change. They never change. This is the cycle of abuse. Abusive, nice to reel you back in then slowly start ramping up the abuse again. Then repeat.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

Have a read of this book.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

please make plans to leave without telling him. Contact women’s aid for support to make an exit plan. You can do this. And for goodness sake! DO NOT have a child with him.

What is the Cycle of Abuse?

Domestic abuse often follows a four-stage Cycle of Abuse, but victims don’t have to stay trapped.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

Girlmom35 · 17/12/2024 14:48

An abuser will not change because they have realised you're unhappy.
An abuser will change because you leaving may threaten their comfortable life. And he will only change for as long as it takes to reel you back in and get you attached to him again. A new pregnancy would be the perfect way to do that, so beware of him saying he wants to try for another child.

I wouldn't stay. He's only being nice because it's more convenient for him if you don't leave.

Redrubys · 17/12/2024 14:51

Are you married, OP?

tinycaravan · 17/12/2024 17:01

It didnt work for me. I loved a lot about my ex and had similarconcerns- long relationship, a child and wanted another one, ,money worries- but he couldn't stop having tantrums at me and dd cyclically and he let himself go, I couldn't even bear to kiss him. As soon as he knew I was done, he got really cold and nasty- that's the real him. It has been an incredibly hard road but I still know it was right. People dont change. You are early 30s and can meet somebody else, I already have and we are talking about having a dc next year (I'm mid 30s). Go through the temporary grief to get to the rainbow.

burntheleaves · 17/12/2024 18:51

You don't fund him attractive. There is only one choice here

Opentooffers · 17/12/2024 19:11

So now you know he choses to be abusive towards you and is quite capable of turning the charm on when it's in his own interest. Or with other people in general life probably, just saving the abuse for you.
You don't need another man to go straight to to leave him. In fact you are more likely to end up with another abuser that way. Leave and take some time out for yourself. This OM has served a purpose if its helped you to see your partner for who he is and its given you the ick, but forget about him beyond that. You should not consider dating until you are apart and settled into a routine with your DC. Having a DC by someone abusive is a very bad plan, abuse tends to ramp up during pregnancy.

LaceyLou42 · 17/12/2024 20:39

Redrubys · 17/12/2024 14:51

Are you married, OP?

Yes

more fool me. He threatened to call the wedding off countless times. That was before I realised what he was doing

OP posts:
theallotmentqueen · 17/12/2024 20:56

LaceyLou42 · 16/12/2024 21:39

Emotional abuse for the last 2.5 years has lead me to almost cheating. I was ready to leave this time last week. He reckons it’s been the wake up call he’s needed and he can turn it around and tonight for the first time in ages I felt relaxed around him and we have actually had a nice evening. Which is now making me question everything all over again. I’ll be throwing a lot away… financial security… family life… possibility of giving my child a sibling… 15 year long relationship. But the other problem I’ve had is I don’t find him attractive anymore. If he changes we could be okay but then that doesn’t stop the fact I don’t fancy him and I feel like I’m missing out (I’m early 30s)

classic lovebombing cycle. He can't change that fast from abusive person into not abusing you. Abusive people can change, but it takes an amazing amount of internal work and time. He needs to go to therapy to figure out why he acts like this and work on not enacting his trauma/feelings onto other people. In the time he's doing that work, he's not a safe person for you to be around and you need to get away from him for your own safety. I'll also remind you that it's not like you'll just lose things when you leave, and keep things if you stay. If you leave, you gain a lot (not living with an abusive person, for one), and if you stay, you lose a lot (living with someone who mistreats you).

I will also say this as someone who grew up with an abusive father: my parents divorce was traumatic, but as soon as my father left the house, I began to get better. I didn't realise because i was so young, but my father being in the house and witnessing him abuse my mother really messed me up. It was terrible and has left me with a lot of trauma still, and has left me with really fucked up understandings of what love looks like. The divorce was hard and painful, but it wasn't half as painful as living with an abusive man as a child. He never 'technically' abused me or my sister, but he didn't have to - watching him being cruel to our mother was traumatic enough. If you don't want to leave for you, leave for your kid. By leaving, you teach your child that they shouldn't accept mistreatment in abusive relationships: in staying, you model that it's ok for them to hurt their future partner, or for their future partner to hurt them.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, and I am really and truly sending you and your child support and good luck.

strawberry2017 · 17/12/2024 21:16

He's shown you who he is BELIEVE HIM!
He will not change, people that can repeat the same behaviour for 2.5 years know exactly what they are doing and will go back to this behaviour. Get out now.

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