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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My family are really distant & it hurts

20 replies

HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 21:37

Hi, I'm 30, female. I have a 1 year old baby (13 months old)

So my mum and dad split when I was about 16. My mum and dad use to argue alot & me and my siblings were always aware of this when we were younger. My dad was quite verbally abusive towards my mother. Never physically just verbally.

Since mum and dad split my relationship with both of them has been great. My mum and dad are both very supportive. I'd go as far as saying my relationship with them both is much better since they've been split up

My problem is with my siblings, I have 3 brothers. When we were kids we were very close, got along amazing. Since my mum and dad split my 2 brothers inpaticular have distanced themselves from everyone, not just me but everyone. They haven't fallen out with anyone, they just make absolutley no effort to see or reach out to any of us. My 1 other brother does bother and keep in touch tho

There has been big things in some of our lives which normally family members would congratulate you on, or tell you we'll done on, but they just don't seem to care.

For instance when I had my daughter, it took the one brother 10 weeks to meet her. He lives a 5 minuite drive away!

The most recent thing to happen is my dad's mother recently passed away. Me and my 1 brother have supported my dad threw this aswell as eachother. The other 2 brothers haven't even gave my dad as much as a text of support, or to see how he is. He was the one who found his mother dead aswell which I can't imagine how that must feel.

And they deffinately know about their own nan passing as me & other brother told them both threw phone call/messages

It sickens me the lack of care and support from the both of them. I think I'm at a point where I want to cut them both out of my life. As I don't even feel they are a part of it anyways!

This isn't even a question but I feel so upset with the lack of support shown from both of them! Especially towards my dad and what he's been threw

Has anyone been threw similar or have family like this. I think xmas coming up makes it worst! It hurts seeing happy family's when yours treat you like you are invisible.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 21:40

If your dad was verbally abusive to your mum they may not want to be around him.

It's also possible he was verbally or physically abusive to them specifically.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 21:43

Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 21:40

If your dad was verbally abusive to your mum they may not want to be around him.

It's also possible he was verbally or physically abusive to them specifically.

That could be their reason for my dad

I don't understand why they are distant towards me, my mum & other brother

OP posts:
DancingLions · 16/12/2024 21:45

What I've learnt from my own family is that each sibling can have a very different dynamic with the parents.

Your relationship with your mum and dad might be great. Doesn't mean theirs is.

My sister and I think of our mum and dad in vastly different terms. Its not really your place to judge how you think they should act.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 21:48

DancingLions · 16/12/2024 21:45

What I've learnt from my own family is that each sibling can have a very different dynamic with the parents.

Your relationship with your mum and dad might be great. Doesn't mean theirs is.

My sister and I think of our mum and dad in vastly different terms. Its not really your place to judge how you think they should act.

I do understand this

I guess I just see how my mum and dad no longer even have a problem with eachother anymore, so I don't get why they would have a problem with any of us

What I'm trying to say is if my mum and dad can now be civil what's everyone else's problem

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 21:57

Your dad used to verbally abuse your mum,

You, your mum and your dad are all now okay with it.

They may have memories of being terrified and not able to go to sleep because of the rows going in downstairs.

They may even have tried to protect your mum and got a verbal lashing from your dad.

It's a lot to ask to forgive an abuser.
You are being very very unreasonable

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/12/2024 22:02

Maybe they feel disappointed that you and others are just sweeping everything under the carpet.

DancingLions · 16/12/2024 22:04

For some people family bonds are strong. For others, not so much. The fact there was no big falling out says to me that they just decided, for whatever reason, that they're not that fussed about maintaining a close relationship.

I understand that is hurtful to you. But you can't make people live up to your expectations. You really kind of have to accept them as they are or just not bother with them. That choice is within your control. How they behave is not.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 22:06

DancingLions · 16/12/2024 22:04

For some people family bonds are strong. For others, not so much. The fact there was no big falling out says to me that they just decided, for whatever reason, that they're not that fussed about maintaining a close relationship.

I understand that is hurtful to you. But you can't make people live up to your expectations. You really kind of have to accept them as they are or just not bother with them. That choice is within your control. How they behave is not.

You're right, and I think I'm at that point where I am going to just take a step back from now on

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 22:07

Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 21:57

Your dad used to verbally abuse your mum,

You, your mum and your dad are all now okay with it.

They may have memories of being terrified and not able to go to sleep because of the rows going in downstairs.

They may even have tried to protect your mum and got a verbal lashing from your dad.

It's a lot to ask to forgive an abuser.
You are being very very unreasonable

If that's both of their reasons then okay

I don't understand what me my brother & mother have done tho

OP posts:
Petrasings · 16/12/2024 22:39

Maybe because you are pretending it’s all fine now? It’s not fine because their childhood was probably ruined by the abuse. Just because your parents have ‘got over it’, doesn’t mean to say a helpless child witnessing that day after day will get over it.

I would hate the pretence at playing happy families to be honest, and find it dishonest and jarring. So maybe they have taken a big step back because they can’t pretend like you are doing.

I would be kind, respectful of their choice and continue to keep communication open. It’s not their fault op. This on your parents.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 22:44

Petrasings · 16/12/2024 22:39

Maybe because you are pretending it’s all fine now? It’s not fine because their childhood was probably ruined by the abuse. Just because your parents have ‘got over it’, doesn’t mean to say a helpless child witnessing that day after day will get over it.

I would hate the pretence at playing happy families to be honest, and find it dishonest and jarring. So maybe they have taken a big step back because they can’t pretend like you are doing.

I would be kind, respectful of their choice and continue to keep communication open. It’s not their fault op. This on your parents.

Edited

I wouldn't say I'm pretending, I genuinely have no problem with anyone in my family

But I will respect their decisions & just take it as it comes I guess

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 16/12/2024 22:50

It is completely normal for siblings to drift apart in adult life. Everyone has different experiences and interests - just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have anything in common. Concentrate on your friends, OP - they are the people who will stick with you throughout your life.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 16/12/2024 23:00

Cynic17 · 16/12/2024 22:50

It is completely normal for siblings to drift apart in adult life. Everyone has different experiences and interests - just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have anything in common. Concentrate on your friends, OP - they are the people who will stick with you throughout your life.

You're right, it's just sad when you always expected more

It is what it is I suppose

OP posts:
Nothanks17 · 17/12/2024 09:00

DancingLions · 16/12/2024 22:04

For some people family bonds are strong. For others, not so much. The fact there was no big falling out says to me that they just decided, for whatever reason, that they're not that fussed about maintaining a close relationship.

I understand that is hurtful to you. But you can't make people live up to your expectations. You really kind of have to accept them as they are or just not bother with them. That choice is within your control. How they behave is not.

This^

AnnaMagnani · 17/12/2024 09:15

Even in very functional families, adult siblings aren't always close. You grow up, have your own lives and interests.

Doesn't mean they don't love you but a normal adult sibling relationship can be any thing from close friends living 5 mins away to getting in touch a couple of times a year.

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 17/12/2024 09:20

AnnaMagnani · 17/12/2024 09:15

Even in very functional families, adult siblings aren't always close. You grow up, have your own lives and interests.

Doesn't mean they don't love you but a normal adult sibling relationship can be any thing from close friends living 5 mins away to getting in touch a couple of times a year.

I guess you and everyone else are right

It just hurts this time of year seeing how close everyone else is with their family's. And seeing everyone else's family members make a fuss over their babies, when noone comes to see mine (apart from my mum and dad, separately)

OP posts:
Petrasings · 17/12/2024 15:59

HazelBalonz · 17/12/2024 09:20

I guess you and everyone else are right

It just hurts this time of year seeing how close everyone else is with their family's. And seeing everyone else's family members make a fuss over their babies, when noone comes to see mine (apart from my mum and dad, separately)

Show quote history

Don’t believe the hype and the adverts op. Most families have their issues. Even the one that are playing along will struggle. Try to not attach child like fairy tales to a commercial day that is basically about food and presents.

Newgirls · 17/12/2024 16:12

Agree with others. Your siblings have their reasons and might be unable to tell you or might want to protect you by not telling you. In your siblings eyes you might be the ‘golden child’ - you can read about this on other threads. They might think that you will act as a ‘flying monkey’ and try and get you all to hang out as a happy family.

they will have reasons for not getting on with your parents - maybe see them on their own and build your own relationship with them without any parents coming along - you are allowed to do this and don’t have to tie in with old or traditional patterns of big family gatherings

Original poster
HazelBalonz · 17/12/2024 20:16

Okay thanks everyone

Time to just leave everyone be

OP posts:
Pinkmoonshine · 17/12/2024 20:25

Yes, let them be however they want. Don’t react to that with anger and pulling away further.

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