Pregnant And Breakup

[CryptoPrincess]

Hi all, advice needed here - have been 'seeing' someone from work for a few months now. I'm divorced (7 years) and When we got together back in February, he was going through a separation with his partner (her choice). They have one kid, house together but not married. We weren't ever definite or commited, but were making plans for the future etc. They were in the process of putting the house on the market, telling people they were splitting up. After 3 months or so, he suddenly announces that she is unexpectantly 4 months pregnant! He still claims they're going to break up, but that the house sale etc is on hold until after the baby comes.

Since then we've been speaking every day and still talking about things we're going to do together, but not meeting up except seeing each other occasionally at work (when nothing happens). he says they're still not getting on, she doesn't want to be with him etc.

The baby has just been born today, which has made it all hit home, and got me thinking. Obviously the baby is making me feel super excluded from his life and "am i being taken for a ride here?" Part of me now assumes that having a baby together is going to bring them close again and i'll just get sidelined.
What' you guys think? Should i just walk away or hang on in there?

Yes you are being taken for a ride.
My advice would be to run a mile away from this mess.
He's probably lying and even if he isn't, you don't need that drama in your life.

Have you spoken with her or anyone who knows her? Have you stalked her Facebook?

He is probably lying to you and if you can see her social media you may have a better idea of what's actually happening.

Sounds like he hasn't split with her at all and you are the ow

I’d have walked as soon as the pregnancy was announced. Too messy. Why would you want to get embroiled in a new separation involving two children, one of which is a newborn. Euuugh, no. Life’s too short. Also, there’s obviously still feelings there, they were still sleeping together right before they announced a ‘separation’.

You haven't dumped him already? FFS have some self respect.

I know they were definitely on the verge of breaking up, as friends and colleagues have confirmed they were told the same (by her and him).

But yeah, they definitely slept together after they had 'broken' up. I guess that happens, but before the pregnancy i could see things working out. Now there's a baby, I guess separating is harder to do.

I did try to pull back when the pregnancy was accounced but we just got on so well, and have been talking (texting) 10-15 times a day, every day for 6 months since! So confusing.

You are the OW. He’s a rat. I’d tell his partner he’s been cheating on her whilst she was pregnant. If I was her I’d want to know.

Seriously? He is living with his pregnant partner.
And you're still desperately hanging on.

We haven't been sleeping together. it's been a lot more like an emotional affair. But that makes it all the more confusing. Does he mean the things he says? Why would he continue with me if he didnt? :/

Are you saying you have never slept with him? Even if you haven’t, he’s texting you 10-15 times a day. That’s an emotional affair. That’s him focusing his attention on you, the OW when he should be focusing on his relationship with the mother of his child or breaking up with her. Either way, he’s cheating. I would tell her.

Now is the best time for me to walk away i guess. They'll be busy with the new baby and i can just stop communicating. Sounds like i've been led a merry dance :/

It felt so real for me, that it hurts to give up the hope.

Sorry ...were you seeing him when they slept together in order to create this baby!?!

What's confusing? He's in a relationship and he's having an affair with you! There is nothing confusing about what you've just stated.

Nope, that probably happened a few weeks before we hooked up for the first time. he's told me they're not sharing a bed since, but i've got no way of verifying that.

"A few weeks before" they were sleeping together!? Yeah...that really sounds like they were on the verge of breaking up ...come on seriously, open your eyes!

He's a liar.

There is a series on channel 5 about women duper by men. It's more extreme, but it shows how easy it is for arseholes to 'play' you.

Apart from the woman who threatened a man with revenge porn in Dubai - she annoyed me.

He lead you on and he’s cheated on his partner, whilst she was pregnant no less. He’s vile. Be glad you found out the truth and that he’s a scumbag who uses women. You should feel really sorry for his partner. It’s a terrible thing to do to another woman and you don’t seem to care about that at all, only about yourself. You should tell her the truth.

Hold on - she initiated the breakup with him, they were on the verge of separating. I'm not sure he's cheated on her, considering she was wanting out and they were mutually moving on.

If he's lied about everything then fair enough - but there's every chance it's exactly as he says and the pregnancy was unexpected and a 'mistake'. people break up and have drunken sex. If he was under the impression they were finished, initiated by her, that doesn't make him 'vile' and someone who's been cheating and leading others on.

You are in some serious denial because you just don’t want to face the facts. He’s told you exactly what you needed to hear to get into your knickers. He’s lied and told you he was in the process of splitting up, (whatever the fuck that means) and that she was the one who initiated it, (he’s such a poor victim of his mean half split up with ex) and then she, “accidentally” fallen pregnant. He’s been stringing you along the whole time and he’s still texting you every day to keep you on the hook so he can come back when he feels like it for a quick shag. All the while, he’s playing happy families with that poor woman who thinks he’s her long term partner and who’s the father of her child. She thinks they’re a family. You don’t like what I’m saying but don’t give me your anger. Direct it where it belongs and tell this woman her man is a rat. Any man who cheats on his pregnant partner is vile. If you want to keep being played for a mug, carry on. Or you could wise up and see the reality of this situation here. It’s so cliche everything he’s fed you. It’s a shame you fell for it but now you know he’s been future faking you and feeding you absolute bullshit. So what are you going to do about it?

I'm sure the connection you had / wavelength you were on together was genuine in its ease and mutual enjoyability.

So it was real in that sense.

And completely real for you in an uncomplicated way.

But for him, he's not free to build that bond with you. He is father to a new life and if he's got any decency left he will be doing everything in his power to give that child a good life, likely that means you on the back burner.

There's a good chance you've largely been a lovely outlet for him, a bubble he could step into when things were rough/tense at home, a nice pressure valve and way to feel like his old self free of the effort of keeping the relationship embers burning (even when things aren't easy), a mental holiday - back to the good old days pre mortgage pre parent days if you will...

It's a cowardly way to handle the adult requirements of a long term committed relationship, but he won't be the first or last man to use that either in a temporary way, or for the even worse kind, an escape route...

Either way, you can know, that yes, you did really get on and he did really like you... But he's not yours, can't be yours and you should be grateful for that because actually he doesn't have the spine it takes to be a real partner, the kind you can count on through thick and thin, stand shoulder too shoulder with against the world... He's more the fair weather friend variety.

His circumstances prior to the pregnancy should of been a huge red flag and enough to make you walk away

The minute he announced the pregnancy you should of found your self respect and ran a mile

Why have you been back stage waiting for him to decide what he wants to do or how he will feel when this baby arrives?

Sounds like everyone here has the same opinion and i need to make a break of it all. It'll be heartbreaking to let go of him, as i really thought it would work out in the long run.

For the record, i don't believe he's lied about anything - is just very torn to try and do the right thing. Obviously some people believe the worst, and that may be possible, but i'm prepared to give him the beneift of the doubt and take what he tells me at face value.