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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to tell DC - absent father

2 replies

Lemon7299 · 16/12/2024 21:09

I’d really appreciate any advice on this. I have one child (now 8) with my ex-partner, who has always been an uninvolved and unreliable parent. When our child was younger, he would go weeks or even months without seeing him. He also has an older child, a few years older than ours, whom he hasn’t been consistently involved with either.

I’ve always tried to facilitate contact because I believe my child has the right to know his father. However, this year in particular, his dad has only made the effort to see him about three times, the last being in the summer. Now that my child is older, he’s started to pick up on this and has been asking questions.

Does anyone have advice on how to navigate this and best support him? Since his dad was never consistently involved, it’s not like he had a close relationship and then suddenly disappeared - it’s always been this way, with poor parenting and little effort on his part.

For context, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that he has limited contact with his dad. My ex is not a nice person - he was emotionally abusive towards me and didn’t make much effort to spend quality time with our child during the rare occasions he did see him. He’s short-tempered and grumpy, and honestly, not enjoyable for my child to be around. He has also been involved with the police before for things like getting into drunken fights. He’s an unpleasant person and a poor role model.

That said, I know this situation will still have an emotional impact on my son, so I want to do my best to support him through it. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 16/12/2024 21:19

Just explain to him in an age appropriate way that Dad is just an unreliable person and it’s not your son’s fault. Explain he’s the same with his older child too and he has never really been very consistent. Ask your child how he feels about it. Talking to him is key. Let him express his feelings and hold a safe space for him. Reassure him that he’s an awesome little guy and it’s his Dads loss.

Girlmom35 · 17/12/2024 15:11

Your focus should be mostly:

  • Your dad being an unreliable dad has nothing to do with you. It's who he is. He was this way before you were born. He's this way with everyone. You could be an absolutely perfect child - which you are - and your dad still wouldn't be reliable. This is all about your dads shortcomings.
  • Carrying his emotions with him. This will make him sad, angry, insecure and many other things. You are there to carry these emotions with him. He's not alone. You will never abandon him.
  • Helping him figure out what he wants to do about this. Does he want to just wait for his dad to remember he has a son and show up whenever it suits him? Does he want to enjoy the moments he has with his dad? Does he want to take back control by limiting his contact with his dad even further? This is his choice and he'll need someone to navigate these options with him.
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