Hello fellow mumsneters,
Not really sure what I'm looking for here, your honest opinion, advice, or perhaps just an opportunity to write it down to process it myself. So here it goes...
My husband and I have been together for 17 years (married for 13) with two young children. I would like to think that we were both sweet kind-hearted people, but in recent years, life has changed us and it is not rare for us to have bitter arguments and throw nasty words at each other. Yesterday, we had another huge argument and worse, in front of our kids, which we both regret, and that's what prompt me to sit down here to take a long and hard look at our relationship.
To put it simple, we don't feel loved, emotionally supported and respected by each other in this marriage. I can only come here to offer my side of the story : More and more so recently, I feel that I am just a tool in his life to make things move forward for him, and that makes me feel emotionally and physically drained.
All started with the pandemic. My husband was focusing on looking after our children due to sudden reduction of work and I was working from home day and night to support the family. I had a severe back pain back then, but by massaging my back, I managed to force myself to sit down to work long hours and luckily we managed okay as a family. On one of this stressful days at work, I went upstairs to speak to him, only to find out that he had his pants down, busy watching live porn. To me, recorded ones are fine, but watching live ones is different, and it's the ill timing that made me feel so sick about it - I was working hard downstairs (in order to do so, I kept massaging my back so much that I bruised myself), but my husband was busy watching another naked woman chatting live. The excuse he gave was 'I felt lonely'. I understand, but never accept that it can justify his action. I felt extremely hurt, and betrayed.
Long story short, we talked about this and tried to move on. But more issues, small ones, started to surface. He lied about searching for and following his ex on social media, repeatedly initiating chats with one specific female co-worker from 10+ years ago, speaking to another mum at school, joking (according to him) that his wife 'works too much and can't take her ass off the chair', wanting to staying for playdate with another mum at her house although home is only 3 minutes away, etc. etc. None of these are big issues, and no, I don't think he has had a physical affair, but little by little, those small things eroded my trust in him.
Emotional support wise... 1) in the past 3 years, I had a few health scares and went through numerous scans and checks. My husband was always ready to give me a lift to the appointments, but never (not once) asked about those consultations and test results. He was physically there for me, but I was left emotionally alone to deal with these. When I raised this issue with him, he blamed me for not being proactive in keeping him informed. 2) Before our big arguments this year about kids & school, he normally left everything school-related to me (apart from morning dropoffs), claiming that he was busy at work (occasionally true) but assuming that I, equally busy at work, would always find time to run the house, look after kids while providing a reliable income for us. If he cooked or checked kids homework, it's him HELPING me (as if it was supposed to be my job alone) and 'you should feel privileged that I work from home and can help out with the kids' were his words yesterday. 3) Regarding the 11+ journey we are currently going through, I have been informed yesterday that he wouldn't get involved as he was way too busy (despite having time for Netflix) and had no clue about 11+ (no, he doesn't know how to use Google search, and yes, I should know better although I'm from a different country).
I won't bore everyone with all the details. In short, I just feel that he has been emotionally logged out most of the time in the past few years, and I am just a person in his life to make things progress - children's education, family matters and provide financially when he keeps looking for jobs.
Yesterday, I couldn't hold back my tears in front the children, and he claimed that I was just acting sad to make him look back in kids' eyes (even laughed at the fact that I would often cry during arguments). He also called me a 'manipulative mum' in front of our kids (because kids were worried, and I told them that it's okay for mummy to cry as mummy is sad, and that I might need a hug from them). While I was breaking down in tears, he was busying searching through bank statements, trying to show me that I didn't contribute any money in one of the months last year (which turned it out not true; we each normally contributes to the joint account as much as we can, sometime he paid more, often it's me). So, yeah, it's painful to find out yesterday that he didn't respect me at all, and turned a blind eye on all the pressure (emotion and financial) and the work I have been put under.
I wondered if I was overreacting to all these, and even did a depression assessment online. I am also aware that that it has not been an easy few years for him, and that because I was so hurt by a number of his actions, I kept the intimate time out (not as punishment, just emotionally couldn't do it if it makes sense), which doesn't help with relationship.
So, I'm lost.
Am I being unreasonable to feel unloved and unappreciated? What is the way forward? Whatever your role is in your relationship, please offer your advise and your perspective. Criticism are welcome too. And thanks so much for reading my lengthy rant (I feel much better after letting it out).