My wife makes issues up to cause harm

[middleoptimist]

I am really struggling with how my wife has changed over the last 3 years. We have two teenage children, but she refuses to do anything as a family. I think this has something to do with the fact that she didn't experience a positive family environment when she was young (parents divorced and she did not have a good role model mother).
She has been taking advice and treatment from a 'healer' who has the ability to look into physical, mental and spiritual problems remotely and release the pain or problem from the individual. These treatments can be 3-4 times per month and clearly have a cost to them.
I worry that this person is perpetuating a negative environment and driving a serious decline in our relationship - she does not want to talk about anything at all.
I know that some of our problems will be caused by my own actions, but i really do worry that my wife has become brain washed and controlled by this woman.
Does anyone have any suggestions please?

The healer is highly problematic. I would be very concerned she is being scammed and manipulated. Try having a family intervention where you and the children ask her to be more engaged with family life. She needs to be willing to wean herself from the healer. Give her something to move towards.

The healer sounds problematic, but I'd be more concerned about why your wife was so unhappy she went that route in the first place? Are there things you think she needs to address or that are problematic for her?

Also, what do you mean by 'kmake things up to cause harm"

Making what up? What actions did you choose to do to cause marriage problems?
If she refuses to talk to you the marriage is over, anyway.

LTB

There's quite a lot of detail missing from your post. What issues is she making up? What kind of changes in her are you struggling with? What kind of 'healer' is this? Is it possible your wife was already unhappy with her life and is simply trying to understand why and perhaps find a way to liberate herself?

Oh, and what were the 'actions' of yours that caused problems?

She's been seeing the healer for three years? That must have cost a fortune if it's been once a week.

The healer can't be any good if there's been no positive breakthrough.

You obviously need to have a conversation with your wife and find out what's going on. Is she depressed? Why has she isolated herself?

If she won't communicate then you need to make sure your children are being looked after. Perhaps separate and move them in with you until she comes through this.

There is nothing in your post that expands on, or even mentions, the subject of your dramatic thread title.

Exactly what is your wife making up that causes harm? Without that information we can't formulate a sensible response.

Apologies, this was the first time i have posted.
Things that have been made up

• claiming that i have talked badly about her to our daughter. despite the fact that she is often rude, i have always made certain that i never bad mouth either her actions or approach to parenting or her in any other way
• reasons we made certain life decisions such as moving out of london - the narrative has changed entirely from what happened at the time (a mix of exhaustion and need to change pace)

Actions that i have made:

• I am quite black and white and always looking for a solution
• expressing regret that we let our all consuming approach to looking after the children (i don't begrudge that investment of time) meant that there was no investment in our relationship. My wife always said that this would return after the kids grow up (i didn't agree that you can put such an investment on hold for 12 yrs or more)

These are some of the points.

Can you suggest actual couples therapy. This healer is a con who’s exploiting your wife.

The healer is laughing all the way to the bank.

Yes that healer definately sounds like a con merchant.

Id be doing everything I could to stop it to be honest.

From your update I'd suggest couples counselling. I would hazard a guess that the healer is a red herring. She may be wasting money on this, but I don't think it's likely to be the cause of her unhappiness and withdrawal from family life. Sounds like the relationship has been neglected for a long time and maybe that your black and white thinking has led to her feeling unheard. Go to couples counselling and really listen to each other with someone neutral to facilitate.

That's good advice.