Rude and demanding sister in law

[Rightgroove]

I am having SIL issues that I think might be marriage issues really, and would love an outside perspective.

I find my SIL rude and overbearing. As a result I have distanced myself from her as much as possible but am still frustrated by the way she speaks to my husband and the demands she seems to feel entitled to make of him.

Today she has asked for his help moving heavy furniture (after being rude earlier in the week over a minor Christmas present issue). He is looking after our two young children, one of whom is a baby and told her he is not available. She pushed back and he is now considering going to help and leaving the kids in the car at her request.

My issue is that I feel DH accepts her shoddy behaviour, never calls her out on it, and then does what she asks even if it isn't convenient. She would never, ever put herself out for us and this has caused issues and arguments between my husband and I. Should I just stay out of it completely? I feel like if he continues to help despite her behaviour it will never change and she will continue to make unreasonable demands. I find myself feeling incredibly stressed and anxious about any contact from her because the relationship feels so unbalanced and unfair. If I had my way I would never speak to her again, but I want to stay civil for DH.

Yes. Keep out of it entirely. It’s his choice to be a mug.

I'd put my foot down at him wanting to go and help and leave the kids in the car. That's reckless.

Frequently this issue causes rows between us and he feels I am being controlling. I just find it so hard to have to maintain a relationship with someone who is so rude and entitled.

So he'd leave the kids in a car unsupervised ! That would be a hard no from me

Tell him he can't leave the kids in the car. It isn't safe. If he is willing to put his sister's needs above those of his small children, he isn't fit to be a father.

He’s going to leave your kids in the car alone? Is he drunk?

So I asked about this specifically and he said that's what she suggested but of course he wouldn't do that. He's an excellent dad and I believe him, but just pissed off that she feels entitled to ask these things. She is his only family where we live and I think that means he is willing to go above and beyond to keep the relationship positive. Whereas she is someone who falls out with people regularly and has no issues being rude to him (or asserting her boundaries as she would put it)

Stay out of it as far as possible. If he wants to be a mug so be it. Obvs putting the kids at any risk is where you do step in and put your foot down. If he’s willing to put them in danger to keep the peace with her, that’s your real problem right there..

We spend a lot of time with my family so I feel guilty that things are not balanced in that way. But my family also provide us with a huge amount of help so the relationships are very different

Nah, stay out of it.

If your husband stopped lying down, people couldn't wipe their feet on him.

I really love him so this is quite painful to see. And we have small kids so our lives are very entwined with one another juggling childcare etc. DH and me I mean

A sister asking her brother to help move heavy furniture is perfectly normal.

Having a hissy fit becausse he's not availble on the day she wants and suggesting a batshit approach to managing small children isn't

But its his job to manage her

I would stay out of it. His family and his relationship to sort out. Bite your lip!

I had a very push SIL once (divorced her along with the DH), but my advice is only get involved if it directly impacts you or your kids: fortunately this does both. As a mother, you can remind him in a text copied in to them both that he has responsibility for your young children on that day and therefore cannot help as leaving them in the car is not an acceptable, responsible or safe childcare solution. A group chat means that she can't work on him behind your back. You have a voice in this as a mother. Go for it.

Thanks for the comments everyone. DH's response tends to be that I should let it go and let him manage the relationship himself. I just wish he'd stand up to her! He's very passive with her but seems to have no issue arguing with me over this.

I also accept I need to get better at biting my tongue, so thanks for that feedback too

The marriage issues aren’t because he’s cheating with her are they? That’s the only reason I can see for him to do this kind of shit. Why does he dance to her tune? Tell him you will call the police and let them know he has abandoned his kids if he leaves them in the car. Dickhead.

The more i think about this the more I think the real issue is with his passivity which makes me feel quite threatened by her requests - I don't feel like he will stand up to her and so I feel very vulnerable to her demands. This all stemmed from a terrible Christmas a few years ago where her behaviour was pretty terrible and he has never really addressed it with her. So I'm still resentful and he's frustrated that I can't let it go

Cheating with his sister?

Yeah think best to ignore that...

I get it's painful but unless he wants to change, nothing else will.

And it simply hasn't occurred to him that she's the one doing the controlling?

It seems to be easier to just blame me

Surely your DH is concerned about how his sister views his children? You say that obviously he would never leave them alone in the car, but she expects him to do this. She doesn't sound a safe person to be around your children.