Think my relationship is over but don’t know how to actually end it?

[JJ456]

Last night I realised that my relationship is neither salvageable nor worth saving, but practically speaking I have no idea how to end it. I don’t feel like I’ve got anyone I can talk to about this.

We have been together ten years. We own a hideously expensive house together (which I love) and we have a child coming up to 1.5y.

I don’t want to have to spoil everything by breaking us up but my partner has proven time and time again that she will not take responsibility for anything. Her behaviour has been arrogant and selfish. She shouts and swears at me. She does 0 waking nights with the little one. She is constantly critical of me and shows no compassion. That is all forgivable except whenever I try to have a mature conversation about things it becomes a conversation about how I am the only one at fault. There is no willingness to take any responsibility, make any changes or anything like that.

I don’t want to be like this anymore but I’ve no idea what to do really. I can’t afford to rent anywhere on my own. I have a friend I could stay with but not indefinitely, and they live in a different city so I’d have to pull the baby out of the nursery she loves and either put her through the trauma of starting a new one or find I can’t get a place and end up quitting my job and losing my career. Plus my partner has a right to see her child and wants to, so moving far away isn’t really a choice.

Suppose we could live in the same house but not together, but at that point what’s even the point in ending it?

I just don’t know what to do I never thought we’d be in this position. Last night I ended up in floods of tears while my partner shouted and swore about how it was all my fault, pull yourself together, woe is me having to live with you when you treat me like this etc. I’m sick at the thought of my perfect daughter living in this home.

Then you need to safeguard your child from this poisonous relationship and leave, find somewhere to live, and sell the house. As you describe it, your relationship is abusive, so leave for yourself too.

Leaving is a process. Don't stress yourself thinking you need to take 20 steps all at once. One at a time is good enough.

Start by figuring out your finances. You say you can't afford a place. Is that really true? Can you absolutely not afford a place, or would money just be tight?
If it is true and you absolutely can not afford to live alone, can you increase your income somehow? This may be a long-term plan, but at least you'd have perspective.

Are there any organisations that could help you financially? Are there any benefits you could apply for? Any housing projects with more affordable homes? Could you change your lifestyle? Anything you could cut down on? Smaller car, buy things second-hand? Cheaper groceries? Cutting on eating out, hobbies, trips?

Can you start saving money on a monthly basis? What amount do you need to get started?

You say you have a friend who you could possibly stay with. Examine that. Have the conversation with your friend. Is this really a possibility? What are their terms and expectations? Could you use that time to save up and work towards a new start? Could you sell your hideously expensive house while living there? Do you know what the house is worth and how much you will walk away with after a sale?

Be clear about childhood trauma. A 1.5 year-old leaving the nursury she loves isn't ideal. But I'm a psychologist myself. Do you think I get a lot of clients with unresolved trauma over changing nursery? No, I get clients every day who are damaged by witnessing their parents in an unhappy and toxic marriage, absolutely destroying each other and themselves.