Early giddy head

[OchreHedgehog]

I’m middle aged and have had many previous relationships so I am not wet behind the ears. But they've all failed so clearly I am shit at this so need your advice!!

I’ve been happily single for the last couple of years but met a new guy about a month ago. I’m really enjoying the giddiness of this new thing. It’s all very light - nice texts, general chat at dinner - getting to know you stuff.

I would really like to have a serious conversation about what each of us wants. He recently broke up with an ex so I’d like to find out why his previous relationships didn’t work, if he’s just on the rebound, what he’s looking for in a partner. I might not be averse to a casual fling, but would prefer to know if that’s the case.

I’m really struggling to bring this up for some reason. I suppose I’m afraid to be a buzz kill or seem desperate asking about the future so soon.

Am I overthinking - should I just enjoy the moment? When is a good time to have a conversation about expectations and how the hell do you initiate it when it’s not coming naturally?

I absolutely agree with you. I don’t think there should be a set time to ask these questions. I also like to ask those questions early on so as not to waste my time, but when im enjoying the conversation, chats etc i tend to delay it🙈 Trust me when i say the moment you start asking such questions, those aren’t serious and are looking for casual flings will disappear. I have one who hasn’t responded for a few days now. Will i love for him to absolutely! But if he doesn’t i guess it’s good as im not one for casual flings and it’ll take me much less time to move on.

It's always best to find out that you are on the same page so that you don't make assumptions and are then disappointed. After a month l think it's fair enough to establish what he's looking for, its not desperate, it's just common sense. Just bring it up naturally and ask him that so you have some clarity. If a simple question puts him off then you have your answer.

Thanks! Yes I suppose you are both right - I should just ask and if he takes the hump, well that’s an answer in itself. Early relationships are lovely, but also a bloomin minefield of overthink and fuzzy headed idiocy, trying to balance being in the moment with avoiding yet another heartbreak!

Him having not long ended a relationship might be your conversation starting point. Maybe, “What are your thoughts on the view that people should wait x months before beginning a new relationship?”

That doesn’t imply you have a view for or against, if you keep your tone neutral, and doesn’t allow a simple yes or no answer.

Thank you all for the helpful, level headed advice!

It's only been a month. I don't think you need to start questioning in this way so soon. You don't really know him and vice versa. Just take it easy and enjoy these early stages.