Hi there,
Sorry, this post will be quite long, but I'm just looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. I also really need to rant. I'm a FTM to a 7 month old baby boy. He's the first grandchild on both sides of our family. The situation pertains my MIL. When I was pregnant she would say that she and FIL would help us after the baby was born, that they could help with housework or cooking etc. She must have said this like ten times over my pregnancy. She would say these things voluntarily, DH and I weren't asking for help yet as being first time parents we didn't know what we will need help with. She even said that they'd help before I was even pregnant.
We were going to have a home birth, but we had complications, so I had to have an emergency C-section and our baby had to be in the NICU for 5 days. Our hospital didn't allow visitors, so my parents in law didn't see our baby until the day after we came home from hospital. Note - at my baby shower a few months before our baby was born I casually told MIL that we would like a couple of days for just resting and bonding for the three of us after he was born. She didn't say much to that, but I thought she was okay with it. However, some time after this she spoke to DH and I found out that she was extremely upset by it as she wanted to see her grandson like the same day or next day after he was born. We reduced the amount of days we wanted to have alone after the birth. Even though she was so upset by this she didn't speak to me about it and seemed to be friendly to me. She would even call me and ask how I'm feeling etc. around and after the due date, so she seemed to want to be involved. The reason why I described this is that my DH thought that could have been the reason why she behaved the way she did after our baby's birth (see below). This and the fact that we asked everybody not to kiss DS for the first two months (for his own good!). DH said that MIL thought we had "too many rules" (we literally only had one in the end). Also, she did kiss DS defiantly in front of DH during one of her first visits...
Fast forward to the day after we brought our baby home. My parents in law came to see him. They brought a gift, sat down and waited for DH to bring them cups of tea, biscuits.. They didn't bring food or even ask if we needed help. The apartment was a mess because I laboured at home for hours and after we were rushed to the hospital DH didn't have much time to tidy. I was sitting on the couch holding our son. They held him, took pictures and just sat on the couches. I told them about the labour and C-section (it was pretty traumatic so I got a bit upset and teary). DH said he'll need to go to the supermarket as we needed some food. His father started saying something that they could go to the supermarket for us, but his mother literally nearly snapped at him and said that they need to go/get on the road or something like that. She was quite cold - thinking about it I'm still quite taken back at how cold she was. (She did something similar a couple of weeks later where FIL asked DH how he is and she snapped and said "he's fine"). After that she didn't check in with us for a good few days until DH called her and confronted her and said that she promised to help. (I think she said "Ah you know, I say a lot of things" or something like that). She was really upset about DH confronting her like this to the point that she called DH's brother and said she's never been so angry with DH. Eventually it was agreed that she'd cook us a certain meal and bring it once a week, but then that stopped after a short time. Ever since then she just wiggles out of everything eventually and when DH says something to her she comes up with excuses. She came maybe twice and helped by cleaning our bathroom. When our son was 2 months old after DH said something to her, she sent a voice message saying they we're into our third month now and we don't really need her help anymore and that she'd just like to come for a chat and a cup of tea. She came for a chat and a cup of tea for some time every fortnight or so and I met her either in the local shopping centre or at our place. I prefer to meet her at the shopping centre because the last time she came here, she didn't even wash her cup and left it at the sink with her biscuit wrapper for me to clean. She's supposed to come every fortnight again from January onwards, but I don't really want to be having cups of tea and chats with her tbh. I actually recently texted her and asked her myself for the first time whether she could look after/take DS for a walk for like 2 hours when she comes every fortnight. She said she would, but I don't know how long that'll last.. I'm just tired of this. She always says things like "I care about you" etc., but there isn't much to show for it. I'm a tired FTM, and I also have postpartum thyroiditis and some other health issues - I just need a hand. Don't get me wrong, I know that nobody has to help us, but I'm just fed up with her behaviour. It's just promises promises and then nothing. She promised all this stuff when I was pregnant and then nothing, then she even suggested she'll help me move things around in our living room to make more space and never mentioned it again. Even before DS was born she agreed to clean our second hand buggy (they have a house so have space to dry it, whereas we live in an apartment) and when time came for her and FIL to bring it over to us DH asked her if she cleaned it, she said she forgot and got annoyed at him after which she very grumpily cleaned the pram. It seems to be always like that - she promises something and then expects us to forget about it and act like she never promised it... I don't really believe any word she says now. She always says these things and then doesn't follow up and expects us to forget about it.
She was never very welcoming when we came to visit and also likes to talk about her problems a lot. I often found some things that she did quite frustrating, but I could kind of put up with them. We would always get along and we still get along now, but I just feel so hurt and annoyed because of the way she's been since our son was born. DH and I feel that she's not even interested enough in her grandson.. Surely she should want to spend more time with him? And again, I know nobody is obliged to help us, not even family, but it's sad that we can't count on family for a bit of help when we need it. My own family is in no way perfect, but my mum did come for some weekends to give us a hand after our baby was born even though she lives further away and works full time. My MIL doesn't work and lives closer. I'm just so tired of this situation. Was/is anyone in a similar situation and do you have any advice on how to handle this? I've gotten to a point that I just feel irritated when I even think about her and I obviously don't want to feel this way. I wish I could just accept this and not care about it...