Stay together for kids?

[Sky2059]

Hi there, advice please. Im a mum to twin boy & girls who are 2.5yrs. Its extremely tough & as a result husband & I constantly argue. He is a great dad, very hands on and really loves me but…. He is super anal, he gets extremely worked up over tiny insignificant issues. I am the polar opposite & am very chilled out & relaxed, dont sweat the small stuff. Eg, in a restaurant with the kids & our boy gets messy pizza on his new top, husband hits the roof & immediately blames me as I the piece I cut up for him was far too big for his small hands. All this stuff was never apparent before kids but now I feel like Im living with my father, constantly being told off. We’ve chatted but it never gets any better.
married for 8 yrs, mortgage etc. I know it sounds like a small reason for divorce but we’re currently on holiday & barely talking, Im not happy. If we split he would get 50% custody of kids & it would kill me not to be with them every day. Therefore do I just stay & live with it as the kids are my whole life. Sorry for such a long message xx

2.5 year old twins must be hard.

In the absence of abuse I would hang on in there and see if it improves. I found the toddler years really tough, now have a 6 year old and life is so so much easier

Thanks both. I assumed he would get 50% as there is no reason for me to say he cant see them x

Twin mum here. Twins do an absolute number on marriages – far more than singleton kids. They also do a number on their parents’ individual mental health. I would speak to your DH and encourage him to seek counselling for his stress levels. You could also attend marriage counselling to tackle how to unify your approach to parenting.

While things that you are mentioning look small and insignificant, they are the building blocks of something that will, over the years, become bigger and stronger. All this reminds me a lot of my exh. I stayed with him for twenty five years but at least fifteen were unhappy ones. I was in a very difficult situation, far away from my parents, low paid job and so I stayed. However, looking back now, I wish I had left sooner. This kind of life chips away at you, your confidence, your mental health, your ability to be happy, your relationship with your children, friends and other family members. It changes you, it bends you in a way a human being is not supposed to be bent, eventually it breaks you and you become just a faint shadow of your former self. I am now much happier and living quiet life with my now grown kids, but the light that i had in me is gone and I cannot get it back.

And btw, your husband, he does not love you. He may think he does and you may think he does, but he does not. A person that loves you would never do anything to make you feel sad, scared or small.

I very much disagree with the poster before me.
People can love each other very much, but in their own emotional turmoil and exhaustion we can absolutely cause our loved ones pain.
What distinguishes someone who loves you from someone who doesn't, is the willingness to look in the mirror and see the damage they are causing, and whether they have a willingness to take ownership and change for the better.

That being said, I had 2 kids 2 years apart and that's nowhere near as hard as having twins. It almost broke my wonderful marriage to my wonderful husband.
My kids are now 3 and 5 and we're just now starting to find each other again.

I'm a couples counselor and I know how many marriages break apart while the kids are young. So my husband and I jokingly decided that we wouldn't get divorced until our kids were over 6 years old. Because if we can hold on until then, probably most of our issues will have resolved themselves. And here we are, not even there and already much closer. We did go to therapy for a time to help us through the roughest bits.

If you were happy with your husband before and he's a good father like you say he is, then don't give up too soon. Maybe try therapy though?

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you seem to have married a version of your dad.

It’s a bad Idea to stay together for the sake of the kids. You have a choice re this man, your child does not. Whose sake are you staying for really because it is not theirs. It’s not easier to stay with someone like you describe and his behaviour could be seen as abusive. He is acting like some sort of sergeant major towards you and your boy. And why it is your fault that your son gets pizza on him?. Abusers always think it’s someone else’s fault and never their own.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none