I am physically ill with stress because I am all over the place. I’ll try and explain this as simple as possible.
Been with my now husband a total of 15 years. We have a 4 year old boy. I’ve been unhappy the last 2.5 years. I think I may have started experiencing emotional abuse since June 2022. I’ll give some examples… my DH appears to have these “meltdowns” which occur almost weekly where he will tell me how much he hates his life, how bored he is with me, how I’m a burden, I make him miserable, and he wants to be on his own. He will start saying these things for no reason at all then the next day he says the opposite. Because it’s been going on for 2.5 years I’ve felt like I never know where I stand with him which has been highly unsettling. Like I don’t know which version of him is the real one.
I have felt so low I thought about taking my own life in October last year. Since November last year I’ve found myself looking at other men in a way I never have before.
For the last few months I’ve been talking to a guy from work. He is kind and we flirt. I don’t have feelings for him, neither him for me but we have sexual chemistry and have almost planned going to a hotel. I am extremely tempted by it and can’t stop thinking about it. It could definitely happen.
DH had another meltdown just last weekend. I told him that will be the last time and that I’m not happy and I think I want to leave him. Since then he’s been in tears saying he is sorry and he is going to stop. He said the reason he does what he does is because he doesn’t feel wanted and he wants a reaction. Basically when he’s telling me to go away he wants me to cuddle him. No I don’t understand it either!
The problem is other than the ups and downs we have a very comfortable life. He earns a lot more than me. I have financial security here. He wants another child. So I feel if I left I’d be throwing away someone who says he loves me, as well as all that time invested, and “family life”. What if I regretted it, especially if he is going to change. The grass isn’t always greener.
But at the same time he irritates me so bad that I feel like I’m suffocating. I love him but I feel like I don’t love him romantically, more like a friend. I don’t find him attractive at all anymore. Which I know can just be a normal result of a long term relationship???
We’re both in our early 30s and i keep dreaming about freedom to do what I want to do. I just don’t want to make the wrong choice and regret it later.
I have even considered staying and cheating behind his back for my own sexual gratification so I have the best of both worlds. Which is horrendous and I doubt I could do that and live with myself. Please don’t judge me.
I am not looking for an excuse to cheat. I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing or going to do. All I know is I’m not happy but I have a child to consider. I feel like no matter what path i choose it’s going to be hard. If I stay I risk never being happy because the damage has been done. If I go I risk being alone for the rest of my life or regretting leaving. If I cheat I risk not being able to live with myself. There doesnt seem to be a right answer.