I'm struggling to decide whether I ever want a relationship again..

[sellotapedtogether]

Can you advise me please?

I'm 50, divorced for past five years and two of my three children live at home and will do so for the next four years.
I like the idea of a relationship .. the friendship, the connection, the shared values and experiences and of course the chemistry.
I don't like the idea of introducing someone into our lives and home as we had a lovely, easy and harmonious life now.

I've decided that I won't have a man living in my home until my children leave for uni. That's definite.

I see myself getting old and tired but love my space and my home. I have wonderful friends and family, a job that I love and a couple of past times.
My children are finally in a good place emotionally.

However, I'm struggling to decide whether I would actually like another relationship. I think that there may be an element of societal pressure but I am also aware that my children will have moved out and on in less than five years and perhaps that may be too late to start thinking about romance but would love that connection and relationship when my responsibilities are less and my home essentially empty mostly!

Does anyone have any experience in this area please?

I decided to not bother, I don't think it's worth the aggravation or compromise. When my circumstances allow, I shall get another dog, that's all the companionship I need.

A dog sounds like the ideal companion!

There's nothing wrong with being single. And if you decide in a couple of years that you do want a relationship, then you can start looking then.

Meanwhile, focus on building a support network of good friends and activities, if you don't already have that.

I'm blessed with great friends and a robust social life. I've always put in the effort and it really does pay dividends! I guess I'm worried about my age but then there is no age limit on romantic love by all accounts!

I'm 50 with a son living at home for at least 6 more years. I won't live with anyone until he's grown up, like you. I decided not to have another relationship but by chance met my partner at a music event and against all odds we've managed a part time long distance relationship for 3 years. It has brought me a lot of joy (some angst too). You never know what's ahead and I agree the most important thing to focus on friends and social life and doing things you enjoy.

In 4 years you will still be young enough to meet someone.

I would recommend getting on with life, focus on some activities away from your children and just see what life brings. However I think the challenge will be to meet someone, that you have a connection with, that is at similar life stage, in terms of children/finances.

It doesn't mean it won't happen but often people make too many compromises for the sake of having a partner (you don't seem like you will do that).

Why do you have to decide on forever now? It sounds like a lot of pressure to put on yourself to me. And also trying to decide in a vacuum whether in theory this is something that interests you - whereas the reality is you perhaps might be interested if you met someone you really liked.

I think If you’re not interested in a romantic relationship at the moment then don’t pursue one and don’t stress too much about the future. 50 is not much different to 55 really.

You can explore dating at any time with relatively minimal effort in today’s online dating age. And even then it wouldn’t need to be an “I have now decided to commit to finding a relationship” mentality, more of a dipping your toe in and seeing how you feel, who you meet and how that fits in with your life. But I think it’s a great thing that your life seems full and happy as is.

I'm not sure it's a decision you can necessarily make for future you right now.

I mean, you can decide you don't want one right now but you never know who you might meet in the future and that might change your mind.

But if you're not feeling it right now, don't look for it right now.

You don't have to make a long term decision about it - you can just not be bothered about a relationship right now, and if that changes you will review the situation.

I hadn’t intended to. Got divorced and was happy on my own (dog, cats, great friends). Sometimes life has other plans though and I am now with someone I met through mutual friends. Don’t make decisions about it op, go with the flow, live and enjoy your life.

You don't need to decide one way or another.
It's important that you build a secure and fulfilled single life with lots of friends and various hobbies and activities which bring you joy.
Then if you do meet someone you can decide at that point if you actually want a relationship with them and if you do, what sort of relationship it will be (ie. whether you will live together etc). Or you might decide you prefer to remain single.
I'm late 40s. When I split with my ex 5 years ago I wanted another relationship but somehow as time went on and I built up my own life, on my own, filled with things I want to do, I no longer wanted another relationship and now I don't look any more and I'm happy with that.
Perhaps things will change again in the future, but probably not.

Concentrate on being happy now and just see how you get on.

I'd say just go with the flow, you sound happy and content so there's no rush. You say you like the idea of a relationship but you can have one without moving in together. Don't make it hard work, just enjoy casual dating for now and see how it goes. You never know, you might meet someone you gel with and who fits in with your life.

Stay single.
Much, much better than getting hurt again.

I think about this a lot...until I realize how bloody wonderful it is not to have to answer to anyone ... and then I go back to loving being single.
I have a FWB for sex and a good circle of friends and adult kids are happy. I really don't want some needy man to come along and mess things up again.

I don't have any experience of this, as I'm still (happily) married at 53. But I have long been utterly certain that if I found myself single for some reason, I would definitely stay that way. I find the idea of beginning and navigating a new relationship totally unappealing! I wouldn't get another dog either (I have one who's getting on a bit). I would focus my energies on hobbies and walking and probably join things to meet new friends.

You’re going about it arse about face. Deciding you want a relationship then finding someone, you may well end up settling for the wrong person. What you should do is just go through life, and if you happen to meet someone, then you decide if you want a relationship with THEM.

If you met someone you like, you could date ....no need to live together ....in fact no need to EVER live together, if you don't want to

Or don't date at all

It's really about what you're happiest with

I didn't bother until my DC were older as I decided I didn't want to introduce anyone else into their lives. I split up with my partner when they were mid teens and stayed single until last year when they were 23 and 21 (I was single for 8 years).

As well as benefiting the kids. It's good to have time alone to really get to know yourself as a person. I am in a relationship now but it was unexpected, if the right person hadn't come along, I would happily have stayed single.

Younger and potentially much more naive, but from my experience the best love comes when you aren't looking/don't expect it. In other words, maybe it's just out of your hands... it may not happen or someone may pop up out of the blue with a life that aligns with yours perfectly.

I am also aware that my children will have moved out and on in less than five years and perhaps that may be too late to start thinking about romance

Why do you think it will be too late then?

Agree, it's definitely not going to be too late if you wait until your children have moved out. My dad found love again at 63, after being widowed at 59

Why struggling? If you don't want it right now then just reconsider if a potential relationship presents itself

Don't move anyone in when your children leave for uni. Their income will be part of the calculation for your child's loan amount.

I've been divorced 3 years. I'm very open to a LAT relationship as, like you, I don't want anyone in my space. I certainly don't want to go back to arguments about their mess and their smelly trainers.

I am in a similar situation although my empty nest is approaching faster. I’m not sure either - it all feels like a lot of effort and compromise for little reward. But I am worried about being lonely.

Being lonely is much preferable to being lumbered with another bloody man, imho.