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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas family dilemmas!

5 replies

Beautiful123 · 15/12/2024 15:57

Help! Can anyone relate?

I can't wait for the big day to come and go as it's making me anxious and depressed. I'll try to keep it short and if you do read to the end then thank you.
So ..... this year my husband and I are going to my eldests for Christmas dinner along with the rest of the siblings and partners. I've cooked for everyone for the last few years so this is something I was looking forward to. He's their step dad and has an elderly mother who relies on him. I have 2 small boisterous grandchildren who will also be at the meal which MIL would find too much.
So today it's been decided (pushed by me) that he should have dinner with his mother on Christmas Day and join us later. Sounds a perfect solution all round. I've yet to tell my daughter that he won't be there till later in the day which I know won't go down well at all.
Add to that my other daughter who was going to stay with us for a couple of nights with her partner and dog are staying elsewhere with friends as apparently my house is too small and my husband (stepdad) snores. So I don't have my husband with me for Christmas dinner and I don't have my daughter with us now either. I'm probably feeling sorry for myself atm but i feel that I'm always the one manoeuvring situations to keep everyone happy. Just wanted to vent here in a safe space.
Thank you for reading and I would love to hear your dilemmas too x

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/12/2024 16:02

It’s a minefield, I hate Christmas. I always get upset, fraught and end up traumatised. Hangover from childhood and crap ex marriage. Won’t be seeing my kids this year on the day, they will be abroad. No pressure on me this year so I’m running with that feeling. I haven’t even got any tree or decorations up yet! Maybe I won’t!! I’ve realised for the first time ever it doesn’t bloody matter, my kids are adults and they hate the stress too, mostly coming from me. Stay low key and seriously only do what you actually want to do.

mistification · 15/12/2024 16:05

I feel the same as you OP.

It's always me bending over backwards to meet everyone else's needs and make sure they all have a lovely day, even when it's not what I want to do.

This year I've upset the entire family because I've refused to cook for everyone, since I've done it the last two years and it's an industrial operation.

I've got both adult dc coming plus their partners and I know they'll fall out over something or other. I'll be glad when it's done with too!

Siarli · 01/12/2025 23:47

Look just be realistic, you want to please everyone and you also want to play happy families and gather everyone together. Now the dynamics won't work with that. The elderly mother in law is not your children's Grandparent she's your husband's elderly mother, nope she will find your very excited boisterous grandchildren too much. Its absolutely fine for your husband to share his time. She won't be around too many years more. You see him later in the afternoon. Your one child decides to stay elsewhere with her family because the house is too small. Less stress, thats fine, they want some space. You are seeing your family, you have a husband, a mother In law you dont need to apologise, its all about management. It's less stressful and keeps the peace. Just calm down, dont over plan, dont seek to control, dont compare to some idyllic myth and compromise. It's just 2 days. Some people get very stressed, there are more family rows..yes even violent ones that happen at Christmas than at any other time,throw alcohol into the mix and it all boils over. Go with the flow and keep things simple and listen to your family and accept what they want to do.

Cat1504 · 01/12/2025 23:50

Siarli · 01/12/2025 23:47

Look just be realistic, you want to please everyone and you also want to play happy families and gather everyone together. Now the dynamics won't work with that. The elderly mother in law is not your children's Grandparent she's your husband's elderly mother, nope she will find your very excited boisterous grandchildren too much. Its absolutely fine for your husband to share his time. She won't be around too many years more. You see him later in the afternoon. Your one child decides to stay elsewhere with her family because the house is too small. Less stress, thats fine, they want some space. You are seeing your family, you have a husband, a mother In law you dont need to apologise, its all about management. It's less stressful and keeps the peace. Just calm down, dont over plan, dont seek to control, dont compare to some idyllic myth and compromise. It's just 2 days. Some people get very stressed, there are more family rows..yes even violent ones that happen at Christmas than at any other time,throw alcohol into the mix and it all boils over. Go with the flow and keep things simple and listen to your family and accept what they want to do.

You are a year too late with your advice🙄

Siarli · 01/12/2025 23:56

I also notice that you are going to your eldest daughters. Have a word with her, say that your Mum in Law is having the dinner with your husband , she's elderly and tired and won't cope with all the excitement but hell be along later. Perhaps he could leave from your daughter's after the present opening as it seems you live relatively nearby. Your other daughter is not staying with you so you all get some space. Say you feel this will all work.out well. I think you'll find your daughter will support you.

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