Severed ties with family today

[packitinagain]

Hi - I don't know where to put this. But today I reached my limit with my family. Parents and sibling. I have had the worst few years of my life circumstances and mental health breakdown. Divorce, children, you name it, I've had it.

It has led to me not coping and barely getting by. I've been gaslit by so many people and professionals and deeply traumatised by it all.

My family only support me in the way that they know how which is to pretend to everything is fine and stay away when I am not. I'm angry, so angry. A lifetime of suffering and being ignored when I needed help. This year in particular - I could count on one hand the times I have seen them. I've few friends to rely on now and I feel so alone.

I have asked for accountability for some of the hideous things that have been done or said in recent times. But all I get is "we love you very much" and a few texts a week going "everything ok?". It's not ok. I can't cope with them or their lack of genuine empathy or support. The straw broke when they offered to take my sons to pantomime and I said we could all go. And then they hey asked me to pay half. And then went on holiday. I don't have any money.

My whole life has been affected by them. Their friends, their inability to see a deeply traumatised child who needed to be moved from a school. They blame me for the loss of their business and financial collapse.

And now I have my own. My sibling bankrolls them. He too is zero help to me. Just sends me ridiculous messages saying chin up. That is as much as I can expect. I haven't seen him in years.

I feel like as alone as I am, I need to build a life I can cope with. I'm stuck in a marriage, despite separation we have had to back pedal. My children have been my sole focus and trying to separate as best I could, but it has floored me in every way possible.

All I know is that I cannot continue to "be ok" around family members who just want me to perform.

I haven't had birthday presents or Xmas presents in years. I don't care about that. But the lack of accountability and care - genuine presence in my life - not panicky messages wanting info - just makes it worse. I want peace. And I don't have it.

I have to plan a house move in weeks as we have been evicted. I can't work and my mental health is on the floor.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such an awful situation with such horrible family members through no fault of your own.

'm so sorry OP.
I really sympathise with you.
I eventually went no contact with my family after a life time of " not counting" . I wasn't supposed to have feelings. And there was absolutely no acknowledgement from them that their behaviour was unkind and unreasonable and harmful.
I wish I'd gone no contact with my family years and years ago but it has given me a sense of relief. I hope that cutting ties with yours takes a bit of burden away from you.
It sounds as though you have an awful lot going on in your life to have to cope with.
You will find the strength to rebuild your life OP. Things will get better. Best wishes to you.

Hi OP. My heart goes out to you, I really feel the extent of your suffering.

I want you to know two important things. The first is that you are not alone. There are many, many of us out here with similar family dynamics. Go read the Stately Homes thread on here, it's full of people with similar family members and struggles. This is so important to feel because your childhood and then adulthood as a consequence has been so isolating, fraught with feelings of aloneness and lack of belonging. Knowing that you are just a human suffering from deeply unfair family circumstances and one of so so many, who struggle, survive and build lives of their own, is so critical to feel. It supports healing. Go luck up Kirstin Neff's work on self compassion, listen to her meditations as often as possible.

And secondly. None of this neglectful failed parenting is a reflection on you. You were just unfortunate to be born into a family that didn't know how to love their children. It's likely continued on both your parent's sides for generations. They were victims too, and their learned behaviour is emotional neglect, silent treatment, avoiding intimacy and critical communication. That's not an excuse, but understanding can help you to heal longer term. Your feelings are valid and your pain has fed into your life circumstances because we repeat what we know. But it's all part of a chain that you can break now.

I take my role as a cycle breaker incredibly seriously. It requires to have strong boundaries with the people that do me great harm, it requires regular therapy, daily meditation, self talk, self care, walking away from abuse where ever I see it. I will never NOT have a mother wound or a hole in my heart for not feeling loved by the people that were most responsible to me. I will never NOT be angry for their total absence and lack of care for me.

But it's in the rear view mirror now. My life and future isn't defined by it. All the aforementioned continues to help me to keep that in mind. They are not significant people in my life now, and that's a really important thing for me.

OP, however much you try now, or in future, you will never, ever discipline anyone into an apology you will be content with. Not your parents, siblings or anyone who may have wronged you.

Whatever you say, or however you try and rephrase things to get to the bottom of things, to make things better, or to improve things, a family dynamic like that is not going to change. Only you can.

Its so hard when you realise that the family unit just isnt there. I have a family that is really dysfunctional, they have done unforgiveable things. I sought answers, explanation, forgiveness, but I never got it, and I never will. It broke me. I get it what you are saying, and its so painful.

Trying to understand why someone chooses to abuse is hard, really tough, so all you can do is take care of your own self, treat yourself the way you want to be treated, and not wait for anyone to do that for you. Behaviour is a language, and rather than hearing what they are saying to you, or behind your back, take notice of how they are behaving. And remember, nothing you do will change things. Only you can change things for you. Know your worth and be kind to you.

I am gray rock on some family members. I no longer make myself available to things I know will hurt me. I allow myself to distance myself and I am kind to me.

Seeing christmas is around the corner I appreciate it is easier said than done.