Dating in middle age - expectations

[Elektra1]

I'm in my late 40s and recently divorced. We separated 18 months ago after my wife had an affair and left to be with the OW. I was devastated. Left it a year, had a lot of therapy. Then joined a dating app. First one I met, we had 4 dates after which I called it off because she was so intense. She reacted badly and there were a lot of middle of the night calls, letters, etc.

Gave up for a while and tried again 3 months later. Have met someone I really like, seems to be going well. We've had 4 dates. We both have kids and full on jobs so I thought she'd "get it". This week she texted me one night at midnight (I was asleep) and because I had a busy morning when I woke up, I didn't go to reply till about 10am, by which time I had another text asking if I wasn't interested in her. This is someone about my age, not younger.

It's left me feeling a bit perplexed about how I'm going to be able to date anyone, if this is the level of expectation after a few dates. We're not in a full on relationship, but I'm also not seeing anyone else. I just have a busy life.

I was with my ex a long time so I don't know if this is a lesbian thing, or just "a thing", or if perhaps I should just retire from dating because I don't want to jump headlong into an intense relationship quickly. I don't want casual sex either, I'd just like to get to know someone well before having to devote all my time and attention to them.

I think it's just a thing, tbh.

The people whose experiences I'm most familiar with are son's (26); my friend (57m).and another friend (35f). All looking for relationships with women.

They've all had experience of intensity and declarations of love after a few dates; accusations of being flakey because they didn't respond to texts immediately (but did within a few hours); being dumped for the toxic ex they'd recently.ended a relationship with etc.

People are quite accurately critical of some of the men found on online dating but, from what I've seen, there are similar, equally poor, patterns of behaviour in some of the women too.

Are you hoping to meet women? It's a very different experience from trying to meet men.

I think there are some people who seem to have high expectations about just how much attention you. Not all of us can access our phones during the working day, but I had one guy messaging, "why aren't you responding to me?" even after I had pointed out I had a very busy work day, and wouldn't be able to use my phone before the evening. I pointed this message back at him, then blocked him.

The thing about dating is you are there to find out about a lot of people. The online bit is where you are chatting to someone at the bar, and a lot you will end up thinking, " nice person, but not for me, and "dear god, what a nutter, no way," as well "okay, I'd like to meet this one and see where it goes." I think there are those who want to fast forward the getting to know each other stage. You (and they) might want a serious relationship, but you can't get through that stage instantly. Some relationships aren't going to get to the serious stage - that is actually the whole point of dating. People might match on paper/screen, but in person, over time, you just aren't going to work out. It's okay. But it can get disheartening. If you're not enjoying it, take a break and get back to it.

I have a rule thst existing activities (evening class, exercise classes,) and existing friends come first. I don't cancel them in favour of a dare, unless it's for something really special (I would cancel yoga for a friend's birthday or a big concert for a favourite band, for example,) and that rule has been a good one. Dates may come and go (I hope the current one is staying,) but friends and the rest of my life are all still there and all still important.

I’m mid 40s, divorced, my experience that most of the men that are half decent on paper are actually still in a relationship or not yet officially divorced. Waste of time in my experience.

I think women are naturally more intense in many cases and there is the whole lesbian thing about moving very fast. Her reaction seems ott but a lot of people have baggage and not everyone will have dealt with it through therapy or personal development. Not hearing from you may have been disproportionately upsetting.

could you let your date know what you put above? I think you’ve worded it clearly and it’s a reasonable expectation to go slowly as you’re both busy. Maybe reassure her you’re interested too, everyone likes to feel wanted and the lesbian dating game can be ruthless!

I guess I'll have a chat with her about where we are and what level of communication/seeing each other is achievable. Completely agree with PP who said not to cancel normal plans in favour of the new date - that's something I would have done in the past and just don't want to do now. I need my regular things with friends in order to feel like someone who has a good life and support network so that dating is to find someone I want to be with, not someone I need to be with.