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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like nothing about my relationship was real

10 replies

kittttt · 15/12/2024 07:16

I started dating this guy about a year and a half ago. He has supported he throughout some of the most challenging times of my life and it and helped me immensely. We had fights though and he'd always be very critical of me in those which has hurt me a lot but we got past all of that. Two months ago he began being distant to me and when i got anxious and questioned him he said he doesn't love me anymore and wants me to leave him alone. So I did and one week later he returned to talk with me seeming like the most changed caring man ever. There has never been any consistency in his behaviour. I won't say I am the best but his is just strange. Some days he'd act really clingy and shower with nice words and I love you's other days he'd be so distant won't even reply my text and when asked what's wrong he be like i am free to not talk if i want to and that I am too. I get the point but idk i usually don't bother him even when he is out with his friends and i know he's not going to respond. I am very respectful of that. He has a habit of substance abuse and says he doesn't want to quit it even though he knows that it's affecting him badly. Sometimes he says that he wants to but doesn't commit. Sometimes he says he'll change when i ask him to and even listens for a few days. Other days when I tell him to do it less he straight up says I can leave if I don't like it. Idk man. He just gives me anxiety a lot of times but other days he is the most calming person to be with. He got kicked out of his hostel because weed is illegal there and he and his friends got caught. He shifted to a new room. He said he won't take his habit there and didn't for a few days. Says he doesn't like his friends. Then after a few days he was smoking weed again there and when i reminded him that he said he won't this time he said if I don't like it I can leave. Maybe he doesn't care about me but at times when he says he does and even does so much for me I feel like he does. He says he loves me and sometime I feel like no one can love me like him. He helped me a lot when i dropped out of college because I was so down and I am really grateful for it. It is often harsh in his words but says that no matter what he says me i should know that he always loves me and is trying to change. He also seems depressed and i think that's why he can't get rid of the substance. He says it's due to the stress but it's hard of him to quit. The other day he got kicked out of the new room too. I didn't know that and ig he was feeling suicidal. I was talking about other petty stuff because i didn't know it was happening to him and ig it triggered him. He said i should leave him. I tried to talk to him but he never said anything just asked me to leave. He said he is a loser and that i deserve better. No matter how many times I called he wouldn't pick. Never answered any text. He said that he doesn't love me and I am confused because just one day back he was saying how much he loved me. I am confused and hurt. I think i should give him space and so I did. I agreed with the break up. I am very unsure about how this relationship was. If it was all true and just circumstances made him do it or if I was just played and he never had anything. Idk about the later because at times he did infact show his love. I want to talk to him to see how he is doing but he doesn't want me to. I think I will just wait and this time it seems like it has really ended.

OP posts:
Amsooverthis · 15/12/2024 07:20

He is a loser and you deserve better - he's right about that. This has disaster written all over it.

Jostuki · 15/12/2024 07:24

I got as far as this 'We had fights though' and then the rest of the post went into a haze of what a prat he is.

Don't be in a relationship where there are 'fights'. You're not compatible, your time is better spent in a peaceful and harmonious relationship .

WrylyAmused · 15/12/2024 07:39

Addicted to compulsive weed smoking
Gets kicked out of hostels repeatedly
Is emotionally unstable
Is unpleasant to you and has repeatedly told you he doesn't love you or care about you.

... are just a few of the reasons to be glad that it is now over, so please don't even think of contacting him, maybe spend some time to think about what minimum standards you would like for a future partner, and then move on with someone much more positive in your life.

gokartdillydilly · 15/12/2024 07:49

Yeah, you lost me at 'substance abuse'. This guy loves weed more than anything else. You cannot compete. You never did, you never will. He's done you a massive favour by ending it. Rather than trying to analyse what went on, consider it dead in the water, and move on. You really can do better than this.

Everintroverte · 15/12/2024 08:32

Why do you want to be with him? Sounds like he is treating you terribly.

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 08:34

Weed can cause deep depression and disjointed behaviour. He's an addict. And he doesn't want to stop. He is way too much hard work. He treated you like shit and played with your emotions. To him you were simply someone to do, to hang around with when he didn't have a better offer or when he wasn't stoned. You do deserve better!

kittttt · 15/12/2024 10:29

Is it also due to nicotine he is a massive smoker too like smokes every morning

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 15/12/2024 11:13

Don't let him move in with you, whatever you do.

GreyCarpet · 15/12/2024 13:50

OP, ypu knpw that thead that's running in AIBU at the moment about whether there are always red flags at the start of a shit relationship?

Those who say, "Yes, there are," are thinking about situations like this.

These are the red flags people are talking about.

A weed smoker, lives in hostels, gets kicked out of hostels because of his behaviour, fights with you, claims to be suicidal...

Do not pursue this man any more.

Even if you don't think you deserve more, you can't really want to be with him?

TwistedWonder · 15/12/2024 13:59

Honestly OP is this a man you really see a long term future with? Someone you’ll take to family parties and proudly introduce as your partner?

I suggest you search for the thread about ending a relationship with a suicidal person if you want an idea of your future staying with this man.

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