What would you do in this situation

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Long term mumsnetter but have name changed for this.

Been with new partner for 6 months all going well until tonight when he casually drops into conversation, over dinner in a restaurant, that he contracted herpes from his ex-wife many years ago.
He just said it in a throw away comment and continued talking. I almost thought I must of misheard him.
Thankfully, it was the end of the meal and I wound things up pretty quickly and got home where I confronted him.
Asked him why he didn’t tell me before we had unprotected sex. He was just so incredibly dismissive, thinks he has done nothing wrong and insisted that nearly everybody has it anyway and what’s the problem.

AIBU to be furious, feel totally let down and feel that the trust is just gone?

Type one or type 2?
How long since he last had a break out? Chances are he's not been contagious since being with you but YANBU to think he should have told you at the start.

My ex did this to me too. At the time he told me I felt hopeless, like, well it’s already too late, I’ve probably already caught it. He also acted like I was making a big deal about nothing.

Time went on and I never showed any symptoms, which could mean that I was asymptomatic, but equally could mean that I hadn’t caught it. I get cold sores and apparently this does confer some immunity (not complete) and I later found out I also have a gene that makes you more resistant to HSV2 and HIV.

Both my pregnancies were stressful as acquiring herpes close to birth can be risky and/or necessitate a C-section, so my doctor advised no sex.

You might think that over time I would feel more confident that I had acquired it without symptoms or was kind of immune but actually it just became more stressful as I felt that all it would take was being run down and my “luck would run out.”

Many times I wished I had just left at the point he told me. Eventually we separated because he was verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. I wish I had seen his failure to tell me this important information in a timely manner and also his aggressive/unempathetic response to my shock as the massive red flags that they were.

Thanks for replying, when I asked him he said not for about 18 months. It’s the not telling me at the beginning that I have an issue with. That and the way he told me. He could have sat me down when we were alone together and told me. I feel so angry and don’t know how I can trust him again

You can still remain contagious even if it’s been a while
since a breakout. I’ve gone years where I’ve had no
cold sore and then had several over six months when I’ve been run down or stressed.

I’m so sorry you went through this too. I have ordered a blood test (and a full at home STI check). I have never had a cold sore before so I don’t know if I have the HSV1 strain . I guess I may and just be asymptomatic who knows but at least I will know one way or the other.
its the way he has told me and the total gaslighting and dismissive response that has really upset me. I just don’t think I can continue a relationship with someone like that.

End it, you deserve better. I hope you are ok. 💐

That is an incredibly thoughtful and considerste reply. You deserved to be told properly and in private, with an opportunity to talk it through and consider the situation. Six months on he tells you. I would be incandescent - and beyond disappointed in him. He has deceived you for many months.

Your STI test won't show up if you have HSV, just to let you know. It would be good to know from him if it's type one or two, unless he never had a swab and doesn't know. If it's type one then you shouldn't panic on your own account. 75% of people carry the HSV1 virus with half of them being asymptomatic. If you've got a history of snogging randoms in clubs then you've almost definitely already been exposed 😆 and if you carry the virus already then you won't have caught it from him.
If he has type 2 then it's less common and more serious. If you could ask him what the symptoms are like that would help you know which type it is if he doesn't know himself. Type two leads to large and painful sores and often brings flu symptoms on first infection. Type one brings small sores that are more like the ones on the face.

I wouldn’t tolerate that. I might seem OTT but there is a lot more wrong with what he has done than possibly infecting you, which is appalling in itself. It’s also a consent issue. You wouldn’t have consented had you known but he knew so took away your right to consent. Had he had AIDS rather than herpes what he did would have been a criminal offence (I think??). Herpes isn’t the death sentence that AIDS used to be and still can be, but it is still an incurable, limiting and embarrassing disease which he knowingly risked spreading. He has told you that he decides what happens to your body, what risks are ok for your body and what you should accept. And of course, he belittles your thoughts and feelings about what he has done.

what could possibly make a man like that attractive?

This is very underhand to have not disclosed his diagnosis with you until 6 months in.

I would be very angry if I were you.

I have genital herpes and I always inform people once I know that things are progressing and there's a potential of sex happening soon. I'm not gonna lie, it's an extremely difficult conversation to have and I do find it hard. However there's no way I'd put someone's sexual health in jeopardy so I don't have to avoid an awkward conversation.

The person who infected me didn't disclose it to me, and I'd never want someone else to go through that.

This shows the type of person he is, cowardly and putting his own selfish needs before your health. I'd be ending things.

He took your choice away from you. I'd be bloody furious and I'd never trust him again.

I would be absolutely livid and wouldn't see him again. The reason he didn't tell you was because he thought you wouldn't want to go out with him. He deliberately took your choice away from you. It's stealthing, really.

He has approached this really underhandedly. He could have had the difficult conversation and/or at the least insisted on using condoms. I have a good knowledge of genital herpes and still believe he should have given you the choice of whether to have unprotected (any) sex from an informed stance.

I don't think that the severity or level of transmissibility of an incurable STI changes whether it is right to disclose it. Nobody is owed sex.

Hi, this is rape. You consented to sex with him because you made the reasonable assumption that he was clean. He didn't inform you of his STD - i.e. you consented to sex with someone who was clean, you didn't consent to sex with someone with an STD. I'm really sorry that he did this to you.

Did he not want to use condoms, or does that not help in preventing the spread of it?

I don't think he should be trusted again. He should have told you upfront.
Not only has he put your sexual health at risk, and taken away your choice, but he's totally dismissing your very valid reasons to be upset, concerned and betrayed right now. Don't let him gaslight and invalidate you. What he done was morally wrong, and put your health at risk.
He doesn't sound emotionally mature enough for a healthy relationship. Someone emotionally mature would have had that difficult conversation upfront and addressed all your concerns in a safe way, and they 100% would never have duped you into a relationship where your health was unknowingly put at risk, by him!
Take some time to actually process the enormity of his behaviour. He is not worthy of another chance. He's already betrayed you and put your health at risk without consent. Whether you've already contracted it or not, he has still put you at harm. I wouldn't feel safe in a relationship with someone like that.

It isn't rape (presuming OP consented to sex).

There are cases where charges of GBH have been brought when an STI has been knowingly passed on but the CPS says that having an STI doesn't vitiate consent to the sex itself.

Plenty of people have HSV without ever knowing unless they show symptoms and it isn't usually covered by blood tests or swabs. Therefore this man wasn't honest but HSV is still a risk to those having unprotected sex. It's not really a 'reasonable assumption' that anyone wouldn't have it.

As I said earlier, he was wrong and should have disclosed what he knew before having unprotected sex but that doesn't make it rape.

Condoms don't protect against herpes

This is rotten, he should have told you he had this virus before sleeping with you.

But

It is NOT the social horror that it was once thought to be. One in 3 of us had been exposed to herpes simplex virus. 2 in 3 who have it will experience 1-3 outbreaks before their immune system clears it.

Once it's dormant it is generally harmless,
The outbreaks usually occur as a result of stress or lowered immune system.

There are medications that will help it on its way out.

If you are only 6 months in, it’s not that hard to walk away. You aren’t breaking up a family. I don’t think I could ever really trust him again.

its not having a condition that could be transferred, its not sharing. He should have given you all the information and let you make a choice. You also would have become an active partner in watching for outbreak signs and that would have helped keep you safe.

I would dump him.

Old but informative article from
Pamela Stephenson Connolly -

mg.co.za/article/2011-06-24-mind-my-herpes-please/

When should you tell?
Sexual etiquette as our parents understood it is no longer relevant, and owning up to having an STI involves breaking one of the earlier cardinal rules of “nice behaviour” — bringing up something highly unpleasant. But ethicists advocate initiating that vital conversation the moment you think sex might be on the cards (long before you are in bed together). For instance, try saying: “I’d love to be intimate with you, but first you ought to know that I have herpes.”
Disclosing this information to a potential sexual partner means they can give informed consent, but some people think they have done their duty if they stop lovemaking just short of intercourse. In fact, unprotected oral sex carries certain risks, and so does kissing. Leaving disclosure to the last minute is inappropriate for many reasons. It is sensible and fair to leave the other person some processing time. It is just plain rude to ask someone who is already naked: “By the way, I’m positive . . . got a condom?” Safety aside, allowing one’s partner the opportunity to withdraw gracefully is a nicety I believe anyone with an STI should practice.

It must have been an awful shock for you and it's aways going to dwell on your mind that he withheld important information until after you became intimate.