Advice please - relationship

[Dee200]

Hey, please don’t judge I would like to know what you would do in this situation.

i am 30 years old and he is 33

I have been seeing a guy for 3 years 10. Months regularly I don’t want a full blown relationship which I made clear at the start, it was suppose to just be fun I haven’t been with anyone else for 6 years so 2 years and a bit before I met him.

I feel I am getting attached to him now and I really feel i need to break things off but a part of me doesn’t want to because I don’t want to not have him in my life because he’s the only man I see and have sex with when we both want. I try to keep a separation of 2 weeks between each encounter.

I know he sleeps with other women and that’s ok as long as they know it’s just sex between them but if they thought it was a relationship and he was selling them dreams then I made it very clear from the start that I’d never see him again because I would never sleep with someone’s man like that if it was an actual relationship plus he’d be lying to me also which he doesn’t do he’s very honest with everything which is what I really like about him.

The reason I’m ok with this situation is because I do not want to be in a full blown relationship due to a past relationship that was traumatic for me and I don’t want to have to deal with being cheated on etc so therefore I can’t expect him to just sleep with me. I choose to only sleep with him because I wouldn’t want to be sleeping with or giving myself to more than one person.

At the start me and him was just suppose to be fun with no real strings attached just sex and friendship.

When we are together it’s the perfect relationship vibe we cuddle for hours, have amazing sex and just genuinely enjoy each others company, all loved up basically just without the commitment.

As I said this has been fine for years but now I feel I’m bonding to much with him and now I’m thinking about other women he’s sleeping with etc and is he doing the same we do together with them. which I never thought would happen because I usually can detach from situations easily and because of this it’s scaring me so what do I do?

Continue to see him for the benefits such as company, laughs, sex etc or do I finish it for good?

I wont ever put myself in a situation like this ever again I didn’t plan on it lasting so long and now I feel upset thinking about finishing it and therefore not having him in my life anymore but at the same time I feel it’s something I need to do now rather than later.

Did you ever deal with your trauma as it sounds like you didn't? It may be helpful to you to do that if you feel able. It might help you gain clarity on the way forward with your current situation too.

It sounds like a one way relationship with your blessing for him to sleep around rather than a casual relationship, he's always had this freedom with you, I'd be surprised if he would want to commit. Personally I think it's better to have a fresh start with someone new than training him into commitment.

Op how about you tell him you feel ready for more so you are going to start dating again and this may lead to sleeping with others too .

This may sound sneaky but I don’t want you going in full steam ahead telling him
how you feel and he leads you on and still sleeps with others.

This will trigger a reaction from Him And a convo for you both.
You really don’t want to get in deeper and he meets someone else. That will be harder

I suppose after that relationship I struggled to give people (men) my trust I was with a narcissist that had 2 personality one was kind one was horrible. I had to get injunctions on him because he was basically obsessed with me and wouldn’t leave me alone also stalked me waiting for me after work etc. I was a lot younger then but it has made me be wary of people and to not let them into my life fully incase the same situation arises, I’m completley aware that not everyone is the same and people should individually be given a chance but this is why I wouldn’t want a full blown relationship with Someone on top of this I don’t have the time for it or able to keep to the consistency that a relationship would require.

Yes I could do this, I have recently told him I Don’t think I want to see him anymore I haven’t told him why I just said I think it’s the best thing to do and his reply was to basically stop being silly because of how well we get on etc and I shouldn’t just end things with him because he wants me to remain in his life but if he can’t have me around him the way that I am then he couldn’t just be friends with me and not actually see me in person. I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else and if I do finish things I won’t be looking for a relationship with anyone for a long while. If I’m honest i haven’t got to know anyone but him so maybe it’s just because he’s there to give me comfort and attention and sec etc when I want it maybe I would feel the same if I met someone else, it’s defo not love that I feel it’s more lust although I do care deeply for him because of how often we see each other. Last year I hadn’t seen him for 6 months he was messaging me every weekend to go and see him but I just wanted time away because I get distant sometimes which is another reason I wouldn’t want a full blown relationship because I don’t want to commit to one, so he deffo knows I have the capability to disappear for good.

yes I agree, tbh if I had it in me to see someone else at the same time (casual relationship) then I don’t think I’d even be asking for advice because I’m guessing the situation would be a whole lot different, but I don’t want to be sleeping around like that so I just have him when I want but he does what he wants which is of course going to be fine for him.

I don’t want to train him into commitment because I don’t want a full time relationship so if he did commit fully I wouldn’t but now I’ve started to get attached more and more to the situation and I am thinking it’s better to just leave than continue it on and get deeper in. Although nearly 4 years of being with no one else except him is going to feel quite lonely when I finish things if that makes sense because all communication will then stop. Which is why I’m asking do I continue or just stop it whilst I can. I think it’s best I just leave the situation too but I’m doubting the decision as once I do there’s no going bk for me, I’m sure he would still want me regardless but I wouldn’t out of pride.

He does not know the way I’m feeling because I’ve never voiced it although I’m sure he’s aware when we are together and appearing “Loved up”

In your situation I would tell him how I feel. He might run or he may feel the same. But the issue is trust because if you were together would you trust him. Have you considered therapy op? Because it seems like you care for him and want to let him in but can’t quite do it. For him he probably can’t believe his luck. He gets the couple stuff without commitment.

He does not know the way I’m feeling because I’ve never voiced it although I’m sure he’s aware when we are together and appearing “Loved up”

Using someone as a sex object and comfort toy, without divulging to them what is going on… at best you have serious attachment issues, and at worst you have a broken right / wrong meter. Or just a good old fashioned garden variety narcissist. So tedious.

I hope you’ve gravely underestimated this man and he shows you the door.

I find it difficult to have sympathy for users.

I do NOT use him it is a mutual agreement, he sleeps with other women and gets to sleep with me also and spend time with me which I’m sure he does the others. The only difference is that I do not sleep with anyone else me feeling attached to him isn’t about using him.