I could do with a bit of advice regarding my 3 year relationship. I am not too sure if some parts are what I want or if I am over thinking or being influenced by others. We met online and had different up bringing and family values. Background …
we are both mid 40s, both have our own homes, no kids ( he has adult son) and good but busy jobs. I live 250 miles from my family (only 3 of us) and him very close to. I speak to my family weekly and he is from a large family and never sees them much. We both have our own social life which is important to us.
he stays at my house 4/5 nights a week. I never go to his as it’s rural a both our works are close to me. I also live in a big city with lots going on. I have been and I lived with him for 6 months due to my house sell. We didn’t get on well and split up for 5 weeks when i got my keys. It came down to values. He is more traditional and thought I would do most chores as I wasn’t paying rent, despite us agreeing a split before I moved in. I also struggled to adjust to rural life and missed my friends being close. He didn’t include me in his life as it was his life and we ended up as roommates. Previous to this we laughed, went out etc. but hadn’t merged lives.
we have been back together for 7 months. We get on well, go out, but I have never been invited out with his family or friends. I feel hidden. We chatted and he said I don’t like his music and he doesn’t go out with family much. I love him, spend 75% of my week with him and we get on well. He will come out to some things I invite him to with my friends, but not reliable.
My doubts are creeping in. I am not sure if I am overthinking and comparing other lives. My parents did lots together and shared friends, same as my friends and partners. His parents divorced and never remarried and never shared friends. I want to be independent but also want him included. He is happy to do his own thing and can be introverted - he is always on the outside. We sort of got into a habit of organising things with friends and then fitting us in.
we have never spent a Christmas together. Our first Christmas I had a family death. Next Christmas he was working. This Christmas I am having my family and friends round for a party. He says he hates Christmas and would prefer to be us or alone. He is not coming to mine and decided to spend it with his dad and a brother.
We agreed to spend new year together instead and that would be just us. He has now decided he wants to go to a dance event with his friends (I would hate it). I said I would come with him but he says no. I don’t think he is going now. Said he will come at Christmas instead but I know he will be grumpy. I have said it’s not a negotiation as I have no plans at new year now as I was supposed to be out with him.
I feel an option. I feel I don’t have a partner to do family things with and invite out to couple events. My friends think it’s odd he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me. he says I am his priority he just wouldn’t enjoy some things I do.
basically I am in a relationship but with a partner that picks and chooses partner events for no reason that he probably won’t enjoy it. He will go to similar things with friends, but not me. Just the 2 of us it’s great, it’s the social element I am not too sure i can see a future with.
am I overthinking this? I don’t want to live in each others pockets, but I would also like my parter to want to spend time at social events and not be alone. Is this too different or more compromise needed.