How do I get over this?

[ForgottenAtFuneral]

Yesterday was my father's funeral.

We had a difficult relationship for years. He was an awkward man, cold, distant, unaffectionate, as well as being racist, misogynist and homophobic. I am the only one who ever called him out on his behaviour. Everyone else tiptoed round him and let him get away with being rude and obnoxious to people. I never, ever felt important in his eyes, I was just a girl, nothing of relevance compared to my brothers. I got repeatedly dismissed and diminished by him over the years. He never treated my sons as being his grandsons, because they were his sons' sons. Whereas, their daughters could do no wrong because they are from the male line etc.

When the vicar started the service yesterday, he acknowledged my mother and my brothers, and their loss. I got missed out. He apologised afterwards, saying it was an oversight, he was mortified, worst moment of his career etc. But, for me, it completely encapsulated how irrelevant I was to my father, and why I had gone very low contact. Various family members have been telling me that I had got it wrong, that my father loved me, was proud of me etc.

He knew the vicar as a friend, and he was totally unaware my father had a daughter, I had never been mentioned by him. My brothers did most of the funeral planning for my mum, based on very specific instructions that my father left, and I was omitted from those instructions. So I have been focussing my energy on looking after my mum and doing other tasks to help her and the vicar therefore didn't get the chance to find out I existed.

On one hand I feel like it confirms everything I have always known about my father and that I shouldn't care, given how low contact we were. On the other hand, the humiliation of being overlooked at his funeral, the audible gasp from the congregation, the sense that even in death, he was able to inflict another blow.

I don't know where to begin to process how utterly devastated I feel. I had always harboured some hope that he did care, but was crap at telling me. That hope is now shattered. I feel utterly broken today.

This is really sad and I understand your pain. However this is not your burden to carry. The fault lies entirely entirely with your father. Just because they are our parents doesn’t mean they’re good people. Your father was a terrible dad to you. That’s on him. Not you.

Various family members have been telling me that I had got it wrong, that my father loved me, was proud of me etc.

People always say that sort of thing, either because they're trying to be comforting or the alternative doesn't fit with their idea of how things should be.

I don't think it's usually intended maliciously but it is effectively gaslighting.

I'm so sorry he did this.

This bit should say:
He never treated my sons as being his grandsons, because they were not his sons' sons. Whereas, their daughters could do no wrong because they are from the male line etc.

I had long since accepted he would never be the kind of father I wanted. But to not even be acknowledged at his funeral is a whole new level of pain.

I think I will try and talk with the vicar again. And go back to my counsellor that helped me unpick all my feelings about him previously.

I am so sorry to hear that, how awful you must have felt, my heart goes out to you.

You ask how do you get over this. Allow time for yourself to recognise this feeling or realisation to sink in first. The hard question is why he treated you this way, you’ll never hear from him. Maybe talk to your mother when she has had for her grief.

I have come to realise that people often don’t like people who hold a mirror up to their weaknesses. Nothing to do with the other person.

You can try to understand it but you may never get there. Perhaps just let it go because it was a fact and you can’t change facts. I am thinking as I write and I am rambling and I don’t know the answer. A kindred spirit here because my mother treated me like she wished she’d never had me. I tried for years and now I pretend I don’t care and tell myself I don’t. I am sometimes mean to her, as in won’t take her call or call her back (!). I interact on my own terms.

This too shall pass if you let it.

Thank you @BonneMaman77. Sadly, my mother is one of the worst for the whole 'he was so proud of you' BS. She decided to berate me earlier this week for having not visited in a year. I gently explained why, reminded her of some of the things he had said to me over the years. She doesn't understand, and I don't think ever will, because her own internalised misogyny is so strong. She is of an era where men are in charge, and women's lives are secondary.

I thought I had come to terms with it all. Clearly I haven't.

I am so very sad to hear this. However, I feel that the sadness is added to because you are still so hurt by this. This man was a terrible father to you and let you down badly. Maybe you need to move on by forgiving him, not saying what he did did not matter, it did and does, but that you will not allow him to hurt you any longer.

Focus on your self, think about your mum and your brothers if you wish to, but most of all know that none of this is your fault. Your father, for whatever reason, was a fool, who missed the most precious gift of a daughter. he made his mistake/s, he lived his life. Now, you can let him go, forgive him and move on. You are so very valuable and he was a fool to miss it.

Maybe some counselling would help you to shake off the coldness he has left on you. He was wrong, do not carry thing any longer than you need to.
XXXXXXX

"Sadly, my mother is one of the worst for the whole 'he was so proud of you' BS. She decided to berate me earlier this week for having not visited in a year. I gently explained why, reminded her of some of the things he had said to me over the years. She doesn't understand, and I don't think ever will, because her own internalised misogyny is so strong. She is of an era where men are in charge, and women's lives are secondary."

Your mum, very sadly, did not pull your dad up on his shit behaviour so she really does not get to berate you as an adult.

Focus on yourself, please. You have realised you are not over it, which is the first step to getting over it. Do not allow his wrong doing to affect your future.

This is appalling. Not only were you treated like that by your father, but your brothers and mother have let you down very badly.

Good idea to talk to the vicar. If he’s mortified perhaps he can learn from this.

OP, things are very raw at the moment but if you are open to moving on and working on acceptance you can have a good future.
You cannot change your father or the past.
It is what it is.
He deserves to be pitied in his ugliness.
You are his legacy.
How he treated you, is his legacy.
This is your life and you can choose not to be defined by him and your relationship with him.

See a lot less of your mother.
She chose to allow you to be treated poorly.
Please focus on yourself and your family.
Leave your mother to her misogyny and your brothers.

On the other hand, the humiliation of being overlooked at his funeral, the audible gasp from the congregation

Remember that the gasp is humiliation for him, not you. It's really nothing to do with you. You could be the best person in the whole world but because you're a woman, he couldn't see you. That's what the gasp is. Shock at his behaviour.

Do go back to the counsellor. You may need to unpick your relationship with your mother as well. I know someone whose abusive relationship with his dad ended up causing him to assess his relation in with his mother. She kept you in that place.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Oh op, I am so sorry. This is so sad to read. Your father was in the wrong, and so, sadly was your mother in allowing this. And where the hell were your brothers in all this. They should be ashamed of themselves if they didn’t stand up for you. Please seek more counselling and take some time to yourself to work through this. Your father’s behaviour was unforgivable, you did nothing wrong.

Everyone there should've been ashamed of themselves. Not you though, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Did the vicar write his own piece? Surely he spoke to some of the other children or your mum as well?

I'm really sorry Op, that must have been a very difficult thing to go through, even if you knew your DF didn't value you as his daughter it's still hugely hurtful and uncalled for to omit you from his funeral plans.
As your brothers probably saw your DF in a different way, plus your Mother can't admit how he ignored you, I'd be ducking out of any family Christmas plans. It won't make you feel any better listening to them saying how sad they are and expecting you to join in.

Thank you all. A lot of you are validating what my husband has said about my family over the years. I always thought he was being too harsh, because it is the only normal I know.

My mother definitely enabled him over the years. But, she has also been a victim of his treatment of her. She was only 20 when she married, never worked after marriage etc. She tried to leave him 30 years ago, when she would have been in her 50s, after one of his worst periods of emotional abuse of me as a young adult. I got blamed by him for that too, and we didn't speak at all for about 4 years because he held me responsible for 'breaking up the family'. She got too scared to though.

My brothers were horrified and apologetic, both spoke to the vicar after the service, as did my husband. They had not realised he didn't know there was a daughter. I honestly thought the poor vicar was going to cry when he found out My brothers are also victims, in different ways. Their experience of growing up with him was very different to mine, different treatment and expectations.

My brother wrote and gave the eulogy and he did talk about me. The oversight was in the welcome at the beginning of the service.

It's good to hear that your DBs were upset by you being omitted Op. Sadly women like your DM were conditioned to think their Husband and marriage were the be all and end all, even if he was a bad husband the idea of breaking up the marriage was too much for her. I always hope that more women now know abuse when they see it and won't stay in a bad marriage, I hope I'm right because it means what happened to you won't happen to another generation of children

I feel sad when I read how your Dad's funeral had gone. Be gentle on yourself. Can you sort out some treats for yourself.? It sounds like you need something lined up that you can look forward to .I send you hugs OP and my best wishes.