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Original poster

To leave someone who loves you

18 replies

LaceyLou42 · 14/12/2024 08:56

Been with DH 15 years. Horrible to admit I don’t find him attractive anymore. I care about him deeply and of course he has a place in my heart. I’m at a crossroads because I haven’t been happy for the last 2.5 years as he hasn’t been very nice to me. He says he will change. I’m worried if I leave I may regret throwing away someone who loves me particularly if he’s going to work on his moods. But then that doesn’t solve the problem of not finding him physically attractive and fantasising about (and being tempted by) other men….

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 14/12/2024 08:57

I don't think someone who loves you would treat you badly which means that he doesn't love you at all. That should make it much easier to leave him.

Original poster
LaceyLou42 · 14/12/2024 09:04

healthybychristmas · 14/12/2024 08:57

I don't think someone who loves you would treat you badly which means that he doesn't love you at all. That should make it much easier to leave him.

I don’t doubt he loves me because he has (unaddressed) mental health issues and he has been in bits when I said I have thought about leaving

OP posts:
category12 · 14/12/2024 09:05

If he's killed your love for him by his behaviour you're not obliged to hang around for more, whatever promises he makes.

Presumably he's only offering change because you're on the edge of leaving, not because he wants to be a good partner.

I mean, crikey, it's not actually hard to treat someone you love well, because you should want to see them happy and like them. That he finds it hard to be nice to you means he mostly likes the utility of having a partner.

Is there a particular someone you're fantasising about instead?

Original poster
LaceyLou42 · 14/12/2024 09:05

category12 · 14/12/2024 09:05

If he's killed your love for him by his behaviour you're not obliged to hang around for more, whatever promises he makes.

Presumably he's only offering change because you're on the edge of leaving, not because he wants to be a good partner.

I mean, crikey, it's not actually hard to treat someone you love well, because you should want to see them happy and like them. That he finds it hard to be nice to you means he mostly likes the utility of having a partner.

Is there a particular someone you're fantasising about instead?

Yes there is :( it’s the old cliche of someone has been nice to me

OP posts:
RosemaryRabbit · 14/12/2024 09:06

I think you will find it easier than you think to leave him as you've moved on already in some ways. Not attracted to him, interested in other men. You may find it more of a relief than anything else.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/12/2024 09:07

I haven’t been happy for the last 2.5 years as he hasn’t been very nice to me. He says he will change

He's had 2.5 years to change. He hasn't. It's the actions that count, not the words.

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 09:09

'last 2.5 years as he hasn’t been very nice to me.'

In what shape or form does that show that he loves you?

What he means when he says he loves you is that he's a nasty useless lump who's ego will be dented if you dump his sad fat arse so he's going to manipulate you by tugging at your heart strings and making false promises.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/12/2024 09:09

I don’t doubt he loves me because he has (unaddressed) mental health issues and he has been in bits when I said I have thought about leaving

That's not love, that's fear of the unknown and stepping out of his comfort zone.

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 09:10

'I don’t doubt he loves me because he has (unaddressed) mental health issues and he has been in bits when I said I have thought about leaving'

That's truly insulting to all the people with mental health problems who treat their partners with respect and kindness.

Who's playing the mental health card to excuse his poor behaviour, you or him?

Original poster
LaceyLou42 · 14/12/2024 09:13

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 09:10

'I don’t doubt he loves me because he has (unaddressed) mental health issues and he has been in bits when I said I have thought about leaving'

That's truly insulting to all the people with mental health problems who treat their partners with respect and kindness.

Who's playing the mental health card to excuse his poor behaviour, you or him?

Probably both of us to be honest. He’s not happy which means he’s horrible to me which means I’m not happy and repeat. He’s said this will stop though

OP posts:
MarshmallowsOnToast · 14/12/2024 09:15

Do you have any children together?

Original poster
LaceyLou42 · 14/12/2024 09:15

MarshmallowsOnToast · 14/12/2024 09:15

Do you have any children together?

Yes one child

edit: the child is unaware of any negativity and I ensure it is kept that way before anybody shoots me down

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 14/12/2024 09:23

Leave him and stay on your own (with your child obvs) for a while before even thinking about another relationship.

Seaoftroubles · 14/12/2024 09:41

In what way is he horrible towards you OP? Is it emotional/ verbal? You are explaining it away by saying he has 'unaddressed mental health issues' but why has he not sought help for these or at least seen his G.P. It's not your job to fix him, or to pay the price of him treating you badly. Also you have a child with him, what is their relationship like?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/12/2024 10:16

He’s not happy which means he’s horrible to me which means I’m not happy and repeat. He’s said this will stop though

Again, when? When will it stop? It's been 2.5 years and he's still not stopped. How much longer are you giving him?

Jostuki · 14/12/2024 10:19

The problem is that the damage has already been done.

You have been hurt by his words and behaviour . During that time, you have lost respect for him, no longer find him attractive and your love for him has diminished..

If he does seek help for his alleged mental health problems and manages to become a loving and doting husband, who cherishes you and respects you, how will you deal with your feelings and emotions and not hold a grudge or feel able to forgive and forget his past behaviour?

ECJW98 · 14/12/2024 13:20

Just because someone is in bits when you threaten to leave doesn’t mean they love you OP. It’s more likely a manipulation technique to get you to stay, along with false promises of changing - trust me, I’ve been there. Also, MH issues aren’t an excuse to treat someone badly, I suffer from multiple MH issues but have never treated a partner of mine like that. You also say your child isn’t aware, kids pick up on more than they let on, believe me on that. Leave with your child and don’t look back. X

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