How do I actually do this?

[Dreamer1989]

Ex-husband left me 3 years ago, Ive been active on Bumble on and off, had a few dates which didnt go anywhere. I cant bring myself to go on any more dates - I am so worked up about putting myself out there - the anxiety/panic of physically meeting someone I have only text/messaged for a bit. I dont understand how I get over this. The first few dates (3 different guys) - I kind of ruined with utter anxiety. I couldnt hug or kiss them, I just wanted to run as fast as I could away.

I sort of feel like this reaction is because I am
not ready for this, but on the other hand, I am lonely, and how the hell else will I meet anyone? I am 35, time is slipping away.

There’s a psychological trick to this.

Anxiety and excitement cause the same reactions in the body.
Tell your brain repeatedly that you are excited and you cannot wait meet this person. It will trick your brain into accepting that explanation and switch of the anxiety. Do this repeatedly.

Channel all that energy into having a good time.

It works, try it.

Do you think the fear is because I am not ready? Last and only relationship was for 13 years before I found his cheating.

It might well be that you’re not ready.

You need to lift your spirits and self esteem by incorporating things that make you happy, whether that’s spending time with friends/family, exercise, improved diet, therapy… or an entirely new and wild thrilling hobby.

The world is your oyster, go have some fun! The rest will fall into place.

I have started swimming 4-5 times a week, really fallen for it. I am embarrassed to say I am just so scared, I cant imagine having someone over, letting someone back into my life. I have had lots of therapy but that was more about day to day survival, not about restarting a love life.

just keep doing it and you'll get used to it. Just tell yourself you're just meeting people, and that's good for you, regardless of what comes of it. You don't have to hug or kiss someone you've just met. All it is is meeting someone.
I didn't sleep before first date after 20 year marriage. It wore off, eventually.

There are lovely and amazing people out there who will be able to put you at ease and help you forget about your past. It’s just a matter of meeting the right people, we won’t be compatible with most, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong.

I felt similar to you and was able to feel again (even though it didn’t last), we don’t have to be held hostage to the damage done by previous lovers, we can heal and recover, especially with the help of kind souls. It’s amazing what a bit of strong chemistry can help you forget.

Thank you. Im going to go for one drink, see how it feels. I feel pressured and panicy but how else do I get out of this rut if I dont try.

A feeling of pressured and panicky might leave you vulnerable to disengenous unscrupulous people. I would hold off until I have shored up my strength a bit more.

Just treat dates as meeting new friend for a coffee or a couple of drinks. Don’t do dinner dates which put you under pressure to stay even if you’re not comfortable. And you don’t need to hug or kiss anyone until you feel it’s appropriate.

I get it. The first date I went on I was sitting in car park close to tears before I went in but he was a nice guy so I slowly relaxed. No spark sadly but I realised after that it wasn’t as horrendous as I’d built up in my head.

I have to agree… you don’t sound ready to me but very vulnerable and that’s ok! Maybe give yourself a couple of months away from the pressure and see how you feel then.

I have had 4 dates this year, not counting this one - and one of those was a second date. I havent tried since August - I am dressed and ready to go. Not meeting until 6pm. I think, for me mentally to be okay, I would be waiting forever. Part of me is still in love with my first love - this is why its so utterly painful to date.

Hope it goes better than expected!

It did! :D

Best advice I was given.
Regarding confidence fake it . Everyone is .O think you should come off the site for a while and add the gun to your list with swimming Maybe meet others there get chatting .

Id focus on you though and maybe you will find you are ready when you least expect it.
Don't let anyone push your boundaries stay true to yourself and definitely don’t be touched or kissed if you don’t want it. .

Have faith you will know when it feels right.
Maybe have some refresher therapy can’t do any harm