Positive stories of starting over

[Gewurztraminer]

I have just split with my abusive ex after years of emotional abuse and coercive control. I'm 34 and feel like I'm starting all over and might miss my chance for marriage kids etc. Going through with leaving is the hardest thing I've ever done through all the manipulation and having to leave my beloved pet behind. Please share your positive stories of starting over. Whether that's meeting someone else and everything falling into place or just creating a fab life for yourself.

Bumping for you in case someone else can help! I went through a really big breakup last year, whilst pregnant & it was devastating.

I'm happy now, but I'm still going through the motions & haven't essentially started over in the way I deem a 'success'. Still waiting for things to settle.

What I can tell you is that you will soon feel a lot better and your heartbreak will hurt a lot less soon. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Hi OP.

I left an abusive marriage nearly 4 years ago now. I also lost my dogs (who were rehomed having been fostered by a domestic abuse charity.) which was devastating, so I know how hard it is. I got nothing in my divorce, wasnt safe to pursue a financial order. I had to start from scratch essentially. Fortunately I had studied for my law degree remotely whilst with him ( wasn’t allowed to work). I left and within a few weeks I finished, got a 1:1, found a new flat, and started studying for the Bar. I had to sell almost everything I owned… but I got a distinction in that and my masters. A lot
of other stuff happened along the way, and I’ve been on the verge of bankruptcy at times, I had to cut my family out for various reasons. So I can’t lie, it was tough, but the necessary consequence of having to do a lot of work to ensure I wasn’t vulnerable to men like him again, and my whole life did a 180 because of it.

I now have a job I love as a Family lawyer and often get to help other women going through the same thing. I have a beautiful home with a sea view and two lovely housemates. My work colleagues are fab. I feel lonely at times but I can hand on heart say it gets better. And I was literally at breaking point on several occasions. My exH wouldn’t let me sleep and I legitimately thought I had gone insane.

I know you are worried about kids but please don’t rush into another relationship. It takes a LONG time to heal from this. I met someone very soon after leaving who also totally destroyed me, more than my husband in fact and three years on I am still recovering.

In terms of resources, the YouTube videos by Dr Ramani helped and I’m a big fan of Jordan Peterson which prevented me from falling into ‘victim’ mode. Yin yoga to help release stored trauma and lots of walking 🙂

I finally left my very abusive ex 16 years ago.
Over the years he had put me in hospital multiple times (emergency surgeries, broken bones etc) I’m not a weak woman, I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did. I lied to my family and friends for years. The end came when I found a bruise on our toddlers fingers-he admitted to purposely shutting his fingers in a door.
The period immediately after leaving is full of so much fear, guilt and self doubt-and you do honestly believe that you’ve wasted your best years.
But after a period of rebuilding mine and DCs lives (took out a restraining order and a prohibitive steps order, which made me feel much safer) I met my now DH.
DH was someone I knew way back when, there was nothing remotely romantic there at the time, didn’t find him at all attractive, then we lost touch for well over a decade.
We got back in touch completely by chance, and again, I had no romantic feelings for him whatsoever-until we met up-and then within about a week I was completely in love with him 🤣
Fast forward a few years and we had got married, then he adopted my DS.

Im now well into my 40s, and my life could not look anymore different to back then. My ex has been consigned to the history books my DS is now and adult and has absolutely no interest in the biology of his parentage-he adores DH and he’s the only Dad he’s interested in. Of course we’ve had our ups and downs (every relationship does) but I’ve never felt safer than I do with DH. He has never laid a finger on me and I know he never will-not even now, during my bitchy perimenopausal years (I am a complete horror show at times)

Thanks both that's really helpful. I've got myself a lovely place to live with a bit of help from family and luckily I have a good job which he has never impacted thankfully. So I feel thankful that I am on a good position and things could be so much worse. I am definitely feeling fearful but I know what my future would look like with my ex which is what has eventually led to me going through it despite how hard it all is

Hi
I was in an abusive relationship which I had help leaving when I was 33. It lasted five years. It took me three years to get over it during which he still tried to make contact.
I dated a lot after the break up but my heart wasn't in it.
I took the decision aged 39 to have children using a donor.
I now have 13 year old twins.
It's been hard at times- not least being a single parent during the pandemic - but I wouldn't change a thing now.
Good luck. You will be ok!

You will be ok! My abusive ex left when my DS was 6 months old. You've still got a great job and you can build on that. You will probably eventually met someone else.

I was left with nothing but I worked, got my degree and built a good life for us. It's not always been easy but I did it.